Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
This is sort of complicated and hard to talk about.
When I was...22-ish, I decided that I would pray and see if going on a mission was the right thing for me. I didn't really think that I would get an answer. I didn't think that that answer would be yes.
Well, I was wrong. I did, and it was. Not only was it a yes, but it was a RESOUNDING, SOUL SHAKING yes. I had never gotten an answer like that to a prayer before. Then more than anytime in my life, I KNEW God was REAL. I had never felt that way before. I knew what I had to do...and I would never feel complete until I did it. I was going on a mission.
So, I did what I had to do and got ready for it and sent in my papers.
I can't even tell you how elated I was. I knew that I was supposed to go on a mission.
Then came the day where my bishop...who at the time was my dad, got a letter about it. About me. The First Presidency had sent him a letter. I needed to be healthier. They were concerned about my weight. They were worried that I would struggle out in the field.
My dad called me in and told me. At first I laughed it off. Of course they would bring up the ONE thing that I have struggled with my entire life. The one thing that I have never been able to control. But then my dad stood up and hugged me.
You think that after having the heartbreaks I have, that I would be prepared for what happened next. I have since learned that some things can cut you deeper than small things like heartbreak.
My entire world shattered. I was sad... and then I got mad. More than mad. I was PISSED. How dare they question what I knew? How could they turn ME away.
Of course I completely overlooked the part where they asked me to lose weight as a call to action. As a test to prove that this is what I wanted.
***I feel I need to interject for a little bit here and explain something. I have always been bigger than all the girls around me. It has been something of a sensitive subject for me, and I have built my entire personality around the fact that I know people will judge me for being a large woman. So, I developed a loud, apathetic personality to compensate for the hurtful things that are said and done to me. I think that is why I reacted the way I did. Okay. On to the story.***
I saw it as an attack on ME. They didn't want me to serve. They were questioning my ability to receive revelation...it spiraled out from here to a lot of assumptions and irrational thoughts that turned me into a bitter and angry person.
It lasted for a long time. I stopped trying. I stopped caring.
Only recently have I been able to move past it and realize that what I felt was still real, and I was the one who chose to turn my back on the Lord. He never left me.
So... to answer today's question...I wish I didn't doubt the Lord when he asked me to prove my faith. I wish I had listened to my family when they offered their help, and practically begged me to soften my heart.
I wish I could go back. I wish I didn't still feel the hurt and anger from that moment. I want to forgive myself for that moment...
Maybe one day I will.
---
I hate blog posts that make me cry.
Just to pay this blog post back, I will leave you with lyrics that make me happy. :)
So there blog post. There.
Green Light
by: John Legend, featuring Andre 3000
[John Legend:]
Give me the Green light
Give me just one night
I'm ready to go right now
I'm ready to go right now
I'm ready to go right now
I'm ready to go right now
I see you move, I'm checking your smile
Working your back like it's going out of style
Shake just a little bit faster
Shake just a little now girl
Dying to meet you, so let's mess around
I've got an obsession of us getting down
Come just a little bit closer
I just need permission so just...
Give me the green light
Give me just one night
I'm ready to go right now
I'm ready to go right now
We can go all night
Give me the green light
I'm ready to go right now
I'm ready to go right now
I want your green green light
But if it's what it seems like
Then we can get it moving baby
Cause we know it's gonna be right
I'm ready to go right now
I'm ready to go right now
[Andre 3000:]
I want your green red light
I wanna see what you dance like
But if I can be your buddy
Help you study and get your head right
[John Legend:]
I'm ready to go right now
I'm ready to go right now
Do I have a girlfriend... technically no.
If you'll be my girlfriend then I'll make it so
You'll be my only true lover
No competition, no others
Baby it's just the thrill of the chase
But I've got a feeling that I'm winning this race!
Baby I'm in much closer
I just need permission so...
[John Legend:]
Give me the green light...
Give me just one night.
I'm ready to go right now!
I'm ready to go right now
We can go all night
Give me the green light
I'm ready to go right now
I'm ready to go right now
[Andre 3000:]
I want your green green light
But if it's what it seems like
Then we can get it moving baby
Cause we know it's gonna be right
[John Legend:]
I'm ready to go right now
I'm ready to go right now
[Andre 3000:]
I want your green red light
I wanna see what you dance like
But if I can be your buddy
Help you study and get your head right
[Andre 3000:]
So I went hard like Medusa staring at me
I told her let's go, let's blow this lame nigga factory
She said, What type of girl do you think I are
The kind that you meet in a bar
You think you can get whatever you want cause you some kinda star
No I'm a comet
I just want you woman
Hey, If I were you then It would be me that I go home with
3, the one and only
One thing you ain't considered
I heard you when you told your girl "ooo he can get it"
Admit it
You did it
Let's hop a cab and split it
I'm kiddin
We both going to where you livin
HA, I got you gigglin like I'm piglet
Oh that's the ticket
I hope you are more like anita baker than robin givens
No, I don't know that lady so let me quit it
I'm just style freein, freestylin with ya'll soundin you
That's just what I'm telling you
Should be in bed with you
Like I've been in jail for two
Years and then they let me loose
[Chorus]
[Andre 3000:]
You got you one legend
Sometimes you gotta step from behind the piano
And let em know what's going on
Even Stevie Wonder got down sometimes
I'm ready to go
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