A Year (and a bit) Later...

My Pops

Well, hello!

I just read my last post, and... MAN! So much can happen in a year... or even a few days. My Dad passed away just a few days after I posted that blog. I guess when you know, you know. This past year has been the hardest and probably one of the most rewarding years of my life.

Grief is such a unique emotion... and everyone (and I MEAN everyone) processes it differently. Even just within our little family, everyone reacted differently, and the loss has changed them. I've learned that grief hits us all differently, and although there may be less intrusive or destructive or more considerate ways to handle the situation, that there is no right or wrong, and that we're all just here living life the best we can.

I haven't really written a lot about my Dad, and I guess the reason is that he was such a HUGE part of my life. Like how do you articulate that kind of love or loss? I watched my Dad wither away, and it was heartbreaking. Thinking about it now still brings tears to my eyes. He wasn't perfect, but he was my Dad. I've long since put behind us the hurts and growing pains of childhood, and we've forgiven each other for the wrongs perceived or otherwise.

It is/was the HUGEST blessing of my life to have my parents live with me, and doubly so when Dad got sick. Me and Mom-- who up to this point I didn't really have a positive relationship with-- have been able to grow our relationship, and I can honestly say she is now one of my best friends, and I don't know where I'd be without her.  We have grown together so much over the past year as well, and I'm so grateful for her love and strength and compassion. She is an amazing woman, and I'm lucky to be her daughter.

The new pupper--Ella

Since Dad's memorial, my Mom and I have been basically just trying to get our lives back in order. I did start therapy again, and so did Mom. We've been working through a lot of our stuff, and although there is more to deal with, we are in a pretty stable place right now. We got a great dane. She's CRAZY, and such a blessing in our lives. Really, although things have been a rollercoaster, we have also been so blessed.

If there's anything that I have learned from the past few years, it has been to cherish your time with the people you love. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS except love. Love of God, Love of your family, Love of yourself, and Love of your friends.

In my last post, I talked about the hole in my heart... through a lot of therapy and introspection I've found out a lot of things. When I was younger a lot of bad stuff happened to me. As a result of those things (that I had no control over), I created a void in my heart to protect myself. I would hide there, not knowing it was a void because it felt like nothing... and nothing felt better than all the "somethings" that were floating around. As I grew older, I started noticing the void, but not WANTING to understand what it was, I would try to fill it with things... like friends, unhealthy relationships, food, and alcohol. When a "something" would float towards the void and touch me, I would lash out at anyone or anything in my way, and try to bury myself deeper and deeper.

When I hit rock bottom, I tried to start digging myself out, but the people I was surrounded by wanted to keep me in the dark. SO, I moved away and made new friends and new relationships. They were SO MUCH BETTER than the ones I left behind! So, I took the majorly amazing people in my life and used them to close the void. Their hearts were SO BIG that they filled it up, and for a while, I was really happy. But life moved forward, and one by one, they were moving on. To me, it felt like a betrayal, because they were supposed to fill the void... not leave me! I was unfairly relying on them for my happiness and hiding from my problems instead of fixing them. They weren't abandoning me, they were moving forward with life, and I needed to as well.

Luckily, I had started learning from my friends and had been growing and moving forward too (albeit slowly and painfully). I learned that even though people leave, they don't have to leave your heart, and you can still love them no matter where they are. Happiness is within you if you take the time to find it.

Life can be rough sometimes. It can beat the garbage out of you and leave you hurting in the dark, but it can also be beautiful and wonderful and worth every moment of pain. I am still mourning my Dad, and know I will always miss him. Every day I see or hear or experience something that reminds me of him, and I'll feel a twinge in my heart and a tear in my eye. But I feel his influence in my life and know that I'll be able to see him again one day.

So, now it's just me and Mom... working towards trying to find out who we are and what makes us really happy. And if I'm completely honest, it's hard to remember a time where I've felt this free to discover myself. It's a process, but I'm learning and growing and hopefully will be able to move forward from the hurt and pain and anger. It takes time... and luckily that's something that I have spades in as of this moment.