Monday, June 1, 2015

Lost

This is a letter to someone I thought I knew.

There is a specific feeling when you get your heart broken. I don't have a lot of evidence to back this up, but I'm sure it feels different for everyone. For me...My heart contracts and pain shoots down my arms and legs. I ache and burn. A giant weight settles in the pit of my stomach and I feel like I can't breathe.

I think of what I want out of life. What I want to accomplish. I have so much that I think I would love to do. I've had so much failure and so much success. It's weird to think that I'm an adult. It's weird to think that I could go my whole life without feeling love on a romantic level again. Or that I could spend my life not making the difference I always thought I would.

I've had three friends get engaged in the last couple weeks. I am incredibly happy for each of them. They all deserve so much happiness, and I am so glad they've all found it. However, it makes me feel the sting of loneliness just a little keener as I help them plan for their big days. I'm not complaining at all. I just thought I would be at a different place in life at this point.

What is the next step if you want to be on a different path? Do you wander out into the wilderness and hope you find the path you want to be on? Don't they always say that if you're lost, you should stay put until someone comes and finds you? I feel like I've been waiting for someone to come find me for too long, and now I'm just forgotten.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. I feel like my life is detonating one room at a time. I feel like I'm losing touch with what it means to be me. Or who I want to be. When you lose place of who you are, who helps you to find it again?

I thought I was done with so many things in life.

I thought I was done with you.

Why not me? Why didn't you choose me?

I want to be the priority in someone's life. I want to find someone that chooses me first...that makes me feel special and beautiful and loved everyday. Someone that can help remind me of who I am when I lose track of it.

Stop haunting me. I need to move on.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Clarity


You know, I think I've spent most of my life trying to avoid feeling any negative emotion. It's weird to think that I've gone so long only wanting to feel happy, or excited, or joy, or wonder… I think it's normal to want to avoid sadness. It's normal to want to avoid pain. But feeling  every emotion is what makes us human. 

Avoiding the negative doesn't make us feel more positive. If anything it makes positivity fade. I have been feeling that my like is...boring. Blasé. Tasteless. I didn't understand why until now. 

Of course it feels bad to be sad, depressed, heartbroken, angry... I don't like to feel negativity. However, what is that old saying? You can't recognize light unless you see dark. 

How can I change my life without facing the things I try to bury and ignore? How can I feel joy or love without knowing sadness and heartbreak or loss?

My life is pretty amazing. I am so grateful for everything I have and all the people I love. But I am also grateful for my rough points in life. They make me who I am...and instead of running from it, it's time to face it.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Judgmental

I try to be as nonjudgmental of people as possible.
I don't always succeed. I am an imperfect being. Surprise! Haha

But for the most part I try not to be judgmental. TBH, it's pretty easy if you don't care what people do. Which...for the most part is true of how I look at society. You want to walk around only dressed in sequins? Go for it. You want to go three years without showering? I could not care less. It's your life. It's your choice. As long as I am not directly affected by your actions in a negative way--you do you.

I live my life from day to day, and most of the time I don't get it right. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. I make mistakes...pretty much hourly. Haha. There isn't a blueprint for life, and even if there were, I have never quite fit into what people consider "traditional" or normal. I dance to the beat of my own drum, and luckily people think it's pretty great.

However, I don't always meet my own requirements of making the people around me feel loved and accepted...in whatever state they happen to be in. You see, even though I don't care about random strangers, I do care deeply for my friends and family. This is normally a GREAT, AMAZING, and SUPER AWESOME thing. But, it can also be a burden. Not only for me, but for the people I care about too. That might sound weird, so I'll try to explain.

I've lived most of my life loving the people around me with as much strength and conviction that I can. There was a time where I didn't care about anyone or anything...including myself. #alcoholism but for the most part, I have had a deep abiding love for my family and the family I choose--my friends.

I was talking to a friend of mine, and they said something to me. They said, "there is no such thing as unconditional love within the realm of mortal existence." Of course, being a hopeless romantic--I started to argue the point. After a long discussion, I came to realize their point to be true.

I do believe in love, but most love in this life is conditional. It has to be, because we are all prone to making mistakes. We cheat, we lie, we hurt the ones we love. Why? Because we are imperfect. There isn't a blueprint for life. There are guidelines. We can pattern our lives after other people's lives, but there isn't anything saying: Karyn will get her PhD in Psychology on this day and time and will marry John Smith on this day at this time, and they will love each other forever and always and have 2.5 children and will be healthy and happy, amen. I WISH THAT WAS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED. Haha! Of course we all know it doesn't. Well, it hasn't for me. If that happens for you, tell me what I'm doing wrong! (If you want to see a movie where this sort of happens, watch the movie TiMER. Super interesting.)

Anyway--back on to my point. I completely love my friends and family, but sometimes I condition my love on whether or not their choices or life path is concurrent with what I think it should be.

That sounds SUPER douchey and controlling, but I think we all do that to some degree. Look at the "unhappy married couple." If you ask one of them what the issue is, they will spout off stuff like, "he doesn't love me the way he used to" or "she just isn't attractive to me anymore" or "they have lost the 'fun' part of themselves" or "they bore me now. I need someone more exciting!" (These are all actual excuses I have heard from people, btw.) Each of these people have an image of who their partner has to be in order for them to be happy. At one point in time, their significant other was EXACTLY what they wanted. However, over time--as each person grows and matures, they change. This change can determine whether or not they continue to give love to their significant other.

I fall prey to that "conditional" love thing. Luckily I can catch myself most of the time, take a step back and adjust my mindset. That doesn't always happen though. Sometimes, I will say and do terrible things to the people I love. Sometimes, I will "advice vomit" all over people and make them feel like garbage. I recognize that I have extremely high and oftentimes unrealistic expectations of the people I love, and if I see them going down a path that I know will result in unhappiness--I will do everything within my power to stop them. To my own detriment and often the detriment of the relationship.

Is that judgment?

Is it hypocritical for me to tell my friends to go to church, or to pray, or to read their scriptures, or to not drink alcohol or WHATEVER when I struggle with most if not all of those things daily? I don't know. We all try to do our best with the time and life we're given...and (at least in my case) most of the time, we fail. Where does that leave me? or all of us?

Despite what everyone thinks (including myself sometimes)--I don't have all the answers. I don't know whether or not we'll all find happiness, or whether or not we'll be successful, or that tomorrow will be better than today. What I do know is that as long as we all keep trying...as long as we all endeavor to love each other and try be a little better every day... I think we'll make it.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

False alarm

I think I have mentioned on here that it takes me a while to process and sort through my emotions. With that said, let me tell you a story.

So, for the last 6 months or so We have been expecting my grandma to die. I know. It sounds weird to say that. To sum up--her pacemaker battery was dying and she opted to not replace it. I understand where she's coming from. Her husband is dead and being on the caregiver side of things, she didn't want to suffer unnecessarily. Totally legit, right?

Well, after a SUPER crazy weekend, she ended up getting a new battery in her pacemaker and will be alive for another 10-15 years. :)

Pretty great, right??? I'm so happy she is okay now and is going to be around for a long time. She is really one of my best friends, and I'm glad that she's sticking around.

I am happy about life, but I am in a super weird funk right now. I think a part of it is my pent up sadness that is now no longer going to be expressed. I think a part of it is some personal crap that I am just needing to deal with and be done with, and I think a part of it is my birthday coming up.

Maybe I just need a good cry? Maybe I need to punch someone in the face? Maybe I need a RNCMO? Who knows. Haha!

Anywho--I am SUPER hungry right now. I need like a burrito or a giant ceasar salad. (Is that how you spell it???)

Adios!

Thursday, March 12, 2015

What's next

There is a lot going on with me. I feel like I've been busier in the past month that I was in my 20s! Hahaha!

This is my birth month. I'm officially over the hill on the 29th. Pretty crazy, huh? Hahaha! I guess it's all downhill from here??? Maybe? I don't know honestly. I still feel REALLY young. I'm not sure if that ever goes away...but I hope it doesn't.

When I was 15--there were a lot of things that I thought I would be doing right now. Oh, small, innocent version of me. When I was 15 I thought I would be an EXTREMELY well-to-do veterinarian with my own practice and a giant ranch filled with animals. I thought I would be married and deliriously happy and in love with my husband. I was never sure about having kids, but we would have them eventually. I also first conceptualized the "808 Skate" around that age.

There are so many things I thought I would be...and honestly, I'm not sure where I'm at right now with my life dreams. Is this version of my existence what I want? I know there is more....more for me to discover and experience. I have let fear rule my life for a long time.

Fear of my own potential mostly. I might sound arrogant or cocky to some people reading this post, but I know what I am phenomenal at. I also know what I need to work on. I am amazing. I know I am amazing, but I need to figure out how to harness that and mold it into something that makes me happy and feel fulfilled.

I know what I don't want out of life. I know that I don't want to look back and feel regret or disappointment. I read an article a while ago about the top 25 regrets people have. Here it is for those who are interested. I don't regret a lot in this life, but most of my regrets have to do with love. I was watching this today, and it pretty much sums up what I am feeling right now when it comes to love:



I have a pretty amazing life...and I am so grateful for that every single day. The real question is, as Prince Derek says (admittedly a regret I am sure he carries with him) in Swan Princess, "What else is there?"

Well, that is the real question isn't it. What's next? I have no idea... but I do know that I'm done having regrets. It only took me 30 years to figure that one out. Haha.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

The best

You know what's the best?

The freaking 90s were the best. Are the best. I look back and think...man the 90s were awesome. The music was great, the economy was awesome, the president was a cool guy that cheated on his wife and played the saxophone...it was good times man.

I had a great time in the 90s. I was in elementary school and middle school in the 90s. I have a lot of fond memories of that time. The toys, the TV shoes, the music. Man...The 90s were a special time.

I have nothing else to say.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Pontificate is a weird word

I have been pontificating on the meaning of my life and what I really want out of life. Like a lot. You want to know what the answer is?

I want to be happy.

That may not seem like a lot to some of you. In fact, it may seem like I am shooting below where a lot of you think I should. It's a good thing that I really don't care. Haha.

You see, it probably takes more to make me happy than most people. Not because I am impossible to please, or because I have impossibly high standards, or whatever. I don't have a specific life plan for happiness, but I know that the road to happiness takes a few things. It takes hard work. It takes humility. It takes gratitude...it also takes love. Let's talk about that. :)

I was born into a family that values hard work. I've been doing hard work pretty much all of my life. I am not a "delicate flower" that has never dug a trench or cut her own firewood. I know how to build a house, I know how to build a wall out of just rock so that it will stand for eons. I know what hard work is. I have my parents to thank for that. They are two of the hardest working people I know. Anything worth getting in life takes hard work and dedication. I never understood the "newer" generations complaining about having to "work" or do things they don't want to do. It's called work for a reason idiot.

I am a prideful person. I know I am. Humility is not something that has been easy for me to learn, and I'm still learning. I don't have a lot to say about humility because...well, I am super terrible at it. However, I read a quote once that says, "Pride is concerned about who is right. Humility is concerned about what is right." Or something to that effect. I try to remember that when I am being stubborn. :)

Gratitude. Gosh. One thing I have learned in life is that NOTHING is guaranteed, and everything in your life can be taken away from you...and at some point probably will be. Hitting rock bottom isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy. However, hitting rock bottom is helpful when you want to see what you are made of. It is also a good thing when you want to see who your true friends are...which leads me to the last topic in this happiness seminar.

Love. Love is a weird thing. It feels impossible to fall in love right now for me...but it also feels scarily easy at the same time. I am surrounded by some great men. Men that it would be SO easy to fall in love with. But...well...that's a conversation for another time. Romantic love is something that I'm trying not to focus on at this moment, because I'm learning to love myself. I think that learning to love YOU, no matter what you look like, what your job is...what you've done in the past...THAT is what is important. Anyone can be happy when they are with the love of their life. What about when you are alone? Can you find happiness in the quiet, lonely moments? I'm working on that for me. Love is something that can bring profound happiness to the people around you. If you just love the people around you...without reservation or judgement...life is just BETTER.

Happiness! That's the goal for 2015!

Okay. I'm done. I want some peanut butter now.