Cyclical Thinking.

Do you ever feel like you're stuck in a loop in your head? Or think about a situation and go through every detail until you have burned every moment into your soul? Where you relive things over and over to see what you did wrong... or to try to see if there was something you could have done different or better... and ultimately hate yourself for not making the "right" choice or making "stupid" mistakes? Or your heart hurts over decisions that someone else made that affect you, and now you're stuck in a situation that you are trying to think yourself out of, but since you have no control, you have no effect on the outcome... no matter how hard you try or want to push. And ultimately you come to the conclusion that it's better to just to never try and that you couldn't have been that happy... and that you didn't deserve it anyway... and that it's better to just curl up around your broken heart and cradle the pieces, and just hope that eventually, the pain goes away?

And then someone comes along and makes you feel like you might be worth someone's time, and that you might be worthy of care and consideration and love. And you decide to let them touch your heart, and you allow them space in your mind, and you show them the pieces of your heart, and they tell you you're not broken. That you are just human and allowed to make mistakes... so you give them more of you and trust them to sometimes share the burdens on your heart. And you have deep conversations, and you talk about your past heartbreaks and dreams for the future. And you share intimate moments, and laughs and kisses... 

And then all of a sudden it isn't enough... and you start trying to think of why things are different. And you start thinking about the conversations you've had and all the moments you've shared, and you try to figure out what you did wrong... and you go through every detail until every moment you've shared is burned into your soul... and You start to relive things over and over to try to find out what you did wrong... and start beating the shit out of yourself because you obviously didn't say the right thing, and you made a stupid mistake... and every song you've shared that made your heart soar, now make it break... but you listen to it anyway because you're trying to recapture what is slipping between your fingers...

No? Yeah... me neither.

What You Invest In

I've been thinking a lot about what I've been investing my time in... and if I've correctly judged what I place importance upon in my life. I do this pretty regularly because as someone who regularly swings between chaotic good, chaotic neutral alignment (if you need an explanation of alignments, click here. Also... oh, you sweet summer child. Haha), I can't always trust that what I'm doing is GOOD. I can only see that it brings me the freedom I want/need. I can't always see if it is good for ME either.

Let me explain it if you're a little confused. When I graduated from high school, I was DONE with school. So, I decided that I was going to not go to college (even though I was accepted by like 4 colleges, and had a scholarship). I didn't see that this decision would set back my actual life plans or that having nothing to focus on would only fuel my already burgeoning alcoholism. I didn't see or even care that if I didn't take advantage of my scholarship, that I would lose it... I didn't even care that It's actually HARD for a lot of people to get into college. I only saw that I was tired of being told what to do and feeling controlled.

When something comes along in my life and it feels BIG or that it might change the balance of anything, I kind of freak out a little. Sometimes those freakouts look like me isolating myself, or lashing out at people, or running away, or fighting. (I'm working on it. :) ) SO, as I've gotten older and more used to the weaknesses that my particular energy levels, personality, alignments, and basically the nuances of being me bring, I've developed a type of system test to make sure that I'm on the right path. Since I 'can't see the forest for the trees' most of the time, anything that upsets the balance of my life just obliterates everything. It's like that game, Perfection. IDK if you remember that game... there's a board on a timer and you have to put all the pieces in the right slots and if the timer runs out, the board pops all the pieces out (Here's an old commercial about it: COMMERCIAL). So to short circuit that, I have become an overthinker. I try to weigh things rationally, removing emotion (if I can) from the equation to see where I stand, and then look at what emotions I'm having and where they stem from and decide on whether or not to include them in choosing if I allow someone or something into my life.

Obviously, this isn't the most optimal solution... and is flawed at best, but it has worked for me thus far. I'm tired of things in my life exploding out of balance. Every time that happens, I have to take everything that I've made decisions about and look at them objectively to see if I'm good or... for lack of better phrasing if I fucked things up. Because I can't always see if what I'm doing is hurting the people around me... or if they are negatively impacted by what I'm doing or choosing. Overthinking has become a way of life for me. Before I will befriend someone, I watch them to see if I can handle bringing them into my life. Before I make that big purchase, I research every type of thing and make sure it's exactly what I want. I overthink everything all the time... and it's EXHAUSTING.

BUT because I have that chaotic energy too... I will also make decisions without thinking at all. It's never anything I foresee being a big deal, but sometimes it ends up being a big thing... and I have to do damage control. Hahahaha. I can hear you shake your head. Haha. I'm a complicated woman, what can I say? 

Anyway, I've made a few big decisions over the past few weeks, and it's throwing my entire life into chaos again, and I can hear the timer running out... and I'm just trying to see if everything is "okay" or if I need to make any alterations to the particular set of rules that I live my life by.

That sounds insane... even in my head haha. But, again, it's my process, and I am trying to mitigate imminent damage.

I'm hoping that I haven't made the wrong decisions, or am actively hurting the people I care about, or that when I start down this new path... that I'm enough to make shit happen... but if I'm honest, I'm also super excited to see where it will take me and to test my mettle. Also, I trust my gut feelings. I might not take the straightest, easiest way, but it's always interesting and entertaining.

Anyway, wish me luck! Let's hope that at the end of it, the people I'm dragging along with me (and I) will be where I can visualize us to be. That everything will shake out for the best, and that I can reset the game and be happy where the pieces go. ;)

It's a talent

I don't know a lot about everything, but I do know a lot about the part of everything that I know, which is people.

So I have this thing... some may call it intuition, or say I'm an empath... some may even say that it's just an ability to read minute physiological reactions--that it's an adaptive evolution of senses. To be honest, I don't really think a lot about it because it's like an innate talent. I have the ability to look into someone and see and discover not only what their motivations are, but to also really see into a person. To know what makes them tick, to see potential... to see if they are worth my time... or if they are dangerous.

I just know... when someone is sad. When they are angry. When they need help. When I need to step away... when I need to run. I know when someone needs to talk. I can see when someone is ready to snap. And I also have the skill to unwind their tension. Make them feel at ease. To feed whatever needs nourishment in their soul, and help them to take a step forward.

And lucky for the people I love and/or keep close... it only gets better the more I know you. Actually, I guess that's subjective because it can be kind of hard to hide things from me. I can tell... even if my friends or family don't say anything, I know when something isn't right. And being who I am I dig into things until I get to the heart of it... for better or worse.

I feel very fortunate to have this talent. Unfortunately in the past, I used it for manipulation and deceit. I hurt a lot of people... and did things I'm not proud of. That is one negative side effect... I know exactly how to lie to everyone around me. For a long time, my entire world was fabricated of lie after lie... until I didn't know what was real anymore. I never let anyone close because I feared they would see me for who I really was, and hate me... or worse, expose me.

Luckily I got the help I needed and use my superpowers for (mostly) good now days. After living in the shadows of chicanery, I demand honesty not only from myself, but the people around me. It can be hard for people to do. I get a lot of half truths... or blatant lies. I understand people can have a hard time living in a world of blunt, unfiltered truth. There is a saying about the truth of things being hard to take. I can say from experience that a web of lies is worse than any hard truth. The truth may cut to your core, but you can heal and move on from it. Lies will slowly surround you and suffocate you to death.

Despite that burning need for truth, I do try to keep my talents in check... to respect people and their space. I understand people need to have secrets. Without sounding more conceited than I probably already do, I am probably the least judgmental person you'll meet. I try to accept people exactly as they are. But the secrets people keep--especially people I care about--still hurt. Not so much the need to have them, but I think it's mostly knowing that they feel they have to keep something from me. It feels like I'm not good enough... like I'm failing at being a friend or sister or daughter, etc.

So who the hell cares? Haha. I guess it doesn't matter. I just have been thinking a lot lately about my life, where it's headed, and where I want to be. I used to be so afraid of people knowing the real me. Of seeing who I am. I needed lies to control my narrative. There is a true freedom of erasing that fear and stepping into the light where you can be yourself unapologetically. Is it still scary? Totally, but it isn't lasting. In fact, the more vulnerable you are with the people around you, the more they will open up and embrace you... no matter how broken or different you feel.

What does it all mean? What's the point? Sounds like that's for you to figure out. Until then, if you need someone to lend an ear, I'm here...