Friday, September 14, 2012

Look Who Finally Showed Up!!!

I've been thinking a lot about the purpose of life. Not in a general sense, but for me personally. My brothers keep telling me that being single makes me self-centered. ;) I don't know if that is true or not, but this is my blog. I think I'm allowed to focus on me. :D


I was watching the Holstee Manifesto again wondering to myself, what is my passion? What do I love to do? Why am I here?

Sometimes I feel like there was a class on how to live life that I somehow missed. You know when you feel unmotivated and do the bare minimum just to get through? I feel like that has been me for the past 10 years.

How do you discover your passion?

And of course while I ponder things about life, it comes to love. When will I find love? People say that I just need to stop looking and things will happen on their own. That manifesto says that once I start doing the things I love, that love will come looking for me. What if I don't know how to do that?

You know, I blame my parents a lot in this blog for my issues. But I was thinking about it the other night, and my parents aren't really to blame. I mean... I know that there are some things that I am still trying to work out with them. However, most of my emotional damage has come from abusive "friends" (using the term loosely) that I allowed to treat me terribly. One group of people in particular seems to be at the root of my issues, and instead of leaving it in the past (where it belongs), I perpetuate it through current friends...even if it isn't in their nature to be that way.

I was reading This Article that my friend posted on his facebook wall (Be aware, it swears a lot...). I was so surprised at how many of these habits apply to me. The funny thing is that very little of my issues stem from my parents. Most of it is from those abusive relationships with associations with extended family and" friends."

I didn't fully realize this until I talked to one of my brothers about it. He and I talked for a while, and he said that although he understood my issues, he couldn't relate. That's when it all came together. My issues aren't from the family I was born into. They come from the family I chose.

That really hurts to admit...because for all those years...for all that time...I chose to be in those relationships. I chose to be insulted, belittled, stepped on, and basically made to think I wasn't worth anything. I chose to feel that way. Yes, those people took every advantage they could over me to make me feel bad, but I stood there and took it.

Why do people do that? Why to we stay in abusive relationships? Even in the aftermath of everything that went down, I still can't answer that question. What I do know is that I'm ready to put an end to it.

Yesterday I was reading a blog post over on Fat Girl PhD, and she said something that stuck with me: "when things are all good on the inside, it’s obvious on the outside too." I don't think that I have been "all good" in a long time, but it's about time I changed that.

I deserve to be happy.

I deserve to be healthy.

I deserve to be successful.

And most of all, I deserve to be loved.

It has taken me a LONG time to come to this point mentally and emotionally, but it will all work out.  I know now that I have to make it happen. It won't be easy, but I know that I'm ready for a change. I'm going to take it one step at a time. It's about time for a Karyn Comeback.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Ohio & Dysfunctional Families

****Realized I never published this...not really sure where my head was at when I posted it, but I figured I should post it. :)****

It's so funny to see how relationships change over time… and by funny I mostly mean sad and confusing.

Oh, I guess I should let you know that when I have emotional instability, I laugh. I just find it easier to hide my emotions under a smile. People don't bother you if you are smiling and laughing. I can deal with my issues and I don't have to bother people with my problems.

Well, I guess you all don't get that luxury…since I have decided that I need to vent all of my frustrations and well… everything else on this blog.

Lucky you!!! :)

Anywho… I have been ruminating on my friendships this week, and it feels like most of them are in a stage of dissolution. It's pretty sad…especially with all of the HUGE changes that are happening in my life, but I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles. The ebbs and tides of life are so interesting and often times confusing. I ask myself why I care, but the truth is that I am compelled to care. I love my friends, and I want them to be happy.

I came across an article today about dysfunctional families and the effect they have on people.

Here is the article…although I must warn you that it swears a lot.

As I read it, I felt like someone was talking about all of my problems and telling me why I act the way I act and do the things I do. It was scary…and truthfully, it made me feel relieved. I'm not as crazy as I thought. There are reasons why I am the way I am. It's an interesting article, and I encourage you to read it. It has made me realize that I need to break the patterns of dysfunction and be better…not only for me, but for my future family.

Since I'm blogging, I may as well do the next challenge day, so here it is.

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

Hmm. That is tough. I think the hardest thing I have been though as of this moment was what happened with my mission call. It took all I had to pull myself back together, and I'm not 100% sure I'm entirely over it. I try everyday though, and I think that is what counts.

Anyway. I'll keep you all updated on developments in my life. Thanks for caring…and for reading. :)