Saturday, December 22, 2007


its christmas time again. i think this is actually the first time that ive spent christmas away from any friends i havent known for more than a year. its really sad but nice at the same time. sad because i miss them alot, but nice because i really like my friends here. ;) lol... i only have a few, but theyre really awesome.

so i need to vent... im not mad, just confused and... i dont really know what else. im trying to figure out how relationships work... well, not how they work but how they can work out.... like end well... every relationship (and un-relationship) ive been in has OBVIOUSLY ended badly. is there something that i missed? was there a 'how to have a successful relationship' class that i missed? i have to say that i have the friendship thing down. i think im a good friend... well, i try to be... but somehow that never translates into my romantic relationships. i feel like other people have figured out some cosmic secret that i seem to have missed.

okay... so i guess i should explain a little about myself. or at least the relationship side of me. ive tried about every type of relationship there is to try... (well, at least in the LEGAL heterosexual sense) [is that sad that i have to define that??? i think so...] anyway. ive been burned... a lot. and i have to say that i have developed a unique and EXTREMELY challenging way to start a relationship. i have to have know them for a long time, and i have to go on the first few dates in a 'group'. now, my friend susi told me that its impossible to get into a serious relationship if i dont 'single date'. im not saying that i dont single date... its just that i like to know the guy pretty well before i go out alone with him. ive been stuck in situations before that were not only scary but extremely uncomfortable... anyways...

okay, im done with explaining my romantic self. but yeah... i feel like i havent found the right guy as of yet.... but why cant i be friends with any of my ex's? and when i am friends with them its like this enormous elephant follows us around and i end up getting hurt. do you think its because i throw myself under the bus everytime i sense something is going wrong? i try to keep them from getting hurt... and in turn i hurt myself and ruin the relationship. is it possible to sacrifice too much? i never thought so... but maybe it is. idk... im rambling... comments would be good for some insight...

Monday, December 10, 2007

an den...


so im working right now... but im EXTREMELY tired and irritated, and im not geting anything done... SO i decided to blog.

life has been really complicated lately. i recieved news about things that has changed my life DRAMATICALLY yet again... i feel like in in an emotional upheaval lately, and theres nothing really i can do about it because i CHOSE to be here. I wish there were a way for me to be here to help and still be able to LIVE... but apparently there isnt...
i went on a date last thurs, and i realized that im MUCH more mature than guys my age... they tend to play stupid games, and i dont really dig it. i also ate a portabelo mushroom hamburger today from carls jr... and it was SO delicious... lol... settlers of catan is an addicting game! even though i SUCK royally, its really fun.

im off for the last week of the month, and i think im going to vegas to look for a car. i have a SUPER old crown vic that im gonnah trade-in. so thats exciting. oh, and i found a singles ward to go to finally. its a really cool ward and theres lots of cool people in it. the city i live in doesnt have a singles ward, so its nice to finally have one to go to.

My 'cousin' sent this pic to me and it totally describes how im feeling. st george like sucks out your soul... i feel so... BLAH here. like im not my own person anymore... like they're turning me into another scary utah hair, oh my heck, cant drive, utah-n, clone. its disgusting. i was so glad to go back home! oh, i forgot to tell you that i went back to hawaii for a 2 1/2 week vacation. it was so awesome! it was really good to see my brothers and their kids. ill post the pics when i get them. :)

okay... i sufficiently slacked off today, so im gonnah go! take care! OMG! WMD?! lol