Saturday, December 22, 2007


its christmas time again. i think this is actually the first time that ive spent christmas away from any friends i havent known for more than a year. its really sad but nice at the same time. sad because i miss them alot, but nice because i really like my friends here. ;) lol... i only have a few, but theyre really awesome.

so i need to vent... im not mad, just confused and... i dont really know what else. im trying to figure out how relationships work... well, not how they work but how they can work out.... like end well... every relationship (and un-relationship) ive been in has OBVIOUSLY ended badly. is there something that i missed? was there a 'how to have a successful relationship' class that i missed? i have to say that i have the friendship thing down. i think im a good friend... well, i try to be... but somehow that never translates into my romantic relationships. i feel like other people have figured out some cosmic secret that i seem to have missed.

okay... so i guess i should explain a little about myself. or at least the relationship side of me. ive tried about every type of relationship there is to try... (well, at least in the LEGAL heterosexual sense) [is that sad that i have to define that??? i think so...] anyway. ive been burned... a lot. and i have to say that i have developed a unique and EXTREMELY challenging way to start a relationship. i have to have know them for a long time, and i have to go on the first few dates in a 'group'. now, my friend susi told me that its impossible to get into a serious relationship if i dont 'single date'. im not saying that i dont single date... its just that i like to know the guy pretty well before i go out alone with him. ive been stuck in situations before that were not only scary but extremely uncomfortable... anyways...

okay, im done with explaining my romantic self. but yeah... i feel like i havent found the right guy as of yet.... but why cant i be friends with any of my ex's? and when i am friends with them its like this enormous elephant follows us around and i end up getting hurt. do you think its because i throw myself under the bus everytime i sense something is going wrong? i try to keep them from getting hurt... and in turn i hurt myself and ruin the relationship. is it possible to sacrifice too much? i never thought so... but maybe it is. idk... im rambling... comments would be good for some insight...

Monday, December 10, 2007

an den...


so im working right now... but im EXTREMELY tired and irritated, and im not geting anything done... SO i decided to blog.

life has been really complicated lately. i recieved news about things that has changed my life DRAMATICALLY yet again... i feel like in in an emotional upheaval lately, and theres nothing really i can do about it because i CHOSE to be here. I wish there were a way for me to be here to help and still be able to LIVE... but apparently there isnt...
i went on a date last thurs, and i realized that im MUCH more mature than guys my age... they tend to play stupid games, and i dont really dig it. i also ate a portabelo mushroom hamburger today from carls jr... and it was SO delicious... lol... settlers of catan is an addicting game! even though i SUCK royally, its really fun.

im off for the last week of the month, and i think im going to vegas to look for a car. i have a SUPER old crown vic that im gonnah trade-in. so thats exciting. oh, and i found a singles ward to go to finally. its a really cool ward and theres lots of cool people in it. the city i live in doesnt have a singles ward, so its nice to finally have one to go to.

My 'cousin' sent this pic to me and it totally describes how im feeling. st george like sucks out your soul... i feel so... BLAH here. like im not my own person anymore... like they're turning me into another scary utah hair, oh my heck, cant drive, utah-n, clone. its disgusting. i was so glad to go back home! oh, i forgot to tell you that i went back to hawaii for a 2 1/2 week vacation. it was so awesome! it was really good to see my brothers and their kids. ill post the pics when i get them. :)

okay... i sufficiently slacked off today, so im gonnah go! take care! OMG! WMD?! lol

Thursday, November 22, 2007

okay... i have no one to tag...

I've been tagged by Latu

1.The player lists 6 facts/habits about themselves - try to find 6 you haven't already posted about!
2. At the end of the post, the player tags 6 people and posts their names, and then goes to their blog and leaves them a comment, letting them know they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog for the rules.

Six things you never knew you didn't know about me...

i am terrified of the dark, but only when im alone. im placing this phobia on the fact that i actually saw a ghost when i was living in hawaii whilst walking to the outhouse on our farm... and i never wanted to go anywhere at night alone again...

sometimes i tell lies to people about things that dont matter... and then it becomes a part of me... i remember almost every lie i tell, and looking back at my life, sometimes i cant tell what is true and what isnt.. is that scary, or what?!

i have always been lonely... but not in the sense where i dont feel friendship... ive been romantically lonley for a LOOONG time... even when i was dating and almost married a guy, i was lonely deep down inside. its still with me and i think that guys can tell that its inside of me.

i feel that me finding 'the one' and my spiritual worthiness are interconnected. meaning the reason i dont have a guy right now is because im not worthy of love. lol... im like focusing on romance! ok, the next two wont be about romance.

ive made up real blueprints of my future house. im planning to live on a ranch with a 3 story house, and a wrap around lanai (deck)

im scared of committing to anything because im scared that when i do everything is going to blow up in my face and ill be stuck with it. this may also be why im still single... oh, sorry i said i was done with romance stuff...

Well, that's it for me! Tag! (eventhough i have no one to tag really...)

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


hey everybody!!!

so this is the first time in a long time that I've been blogging... just because i thought it was dumb and no one reads it... that's probably true, but its nice to be able to let it all out and not have to worry about people acting dumb after.

so... this weekend is this HUGE party that ive been helping my friend/hanai cousin (adopted cousin) plan for her grandma (who is like my dads second mom). so its all good, and we get along really well, and shes totally awesome.

but (there's always a but, huh???) okay. she is sort of... undependable. which is fine. but i feel like I'm picking up the slack, and nothing was getting planned, and she spent all of her time just shopping and playing around. however, this is cool too, because shes a really good friend, and I'm used to picking up the slack... but the thing that irritates me is... we asked for help from one of MY family friends, and she is just being SO awesome... she is like spending a butt load of money to make it happen, and to make it really classy and stuff, and she asks my friend to do something (small) for her by Tues (today) and what does my friend do? she leaves it til the last minute... and then she makes me do it for her! which not only makes me look bad to my family friend, (whim i have the HUGEST amount of respect for) but, it makes it so that she may not help me out in the future with things that i know she would do AWESOME at.

i know that i put a "higher standard" for certain things, but if someone is sacrificing something for your cause and is VOLUNTEERING to do it, doesn't that make it like a higher priority? am i wrong in assuming that you should show your gratitude through being as accommodating to them as possible?

besides the fact that now shes all stink because i was bugging her all day to get on top of it (because i knew she was going to slack off...) that kind of thing irritates me to NO END!

but, i don't want to make a federal case out of it, so... im over it.

i think my coworkers hate me.

i wish i was better at life than i am now... it just seems that I'm slipping into nothingness, and i don't know how to make things better... i don't know how to apologize for everything. i don't know how to be ME again.

i feel like this place is sucking my soul out of me. I'm being brainwashed all the time, and the people here literally suck out all you personality and energy.

i just wish i knew what to do with my life. I'm not getting any younger and i still haven't decided what i want to be... i know i want to make sufficient funds to support myself and a family (in the future) and i know i want something challenging and diverse. i want something that i can be creative in and something i can excel at. if anyone has any suggestions, I'm up for it.