You know...even though I am 28, I still feel like people treat me like a kid most of the time. I know that I am still really young, but I also think it's because no one really knows how old I am.
That's actually fine with me because it makes the moment when I feel like an "adult" much more poignant and important to me.
Here are some things that make me feel like an adult:
• When I walk into the post office to check my mail
• When I have a 4 digit balance in my bank account
• When I see young kids around town and think, "I remember when I was that young."
Well, I think I've officially crossed the threshold into adulthood. Why, you ask?
I bought a house.
Hehe. I know, right? There is a pretty long story involved, and eventually I may tell it to some of you. However, it ends with me buying a house and finally feeling like I've earned my adult card. :) (Does calling it an "adult card" instantly disqualify me??? ;))
Anyway. I'm way excited about it! It feels like I'm finally moving forward with my life! It's scary at the same time...it is a really big responsibility. BUT, it feels good. I like knowing that I have a place that's mine. AND I like knowing that if I need to, I can take care of my family and that I have a place for them. It's empowering.
Beyond that, I leave for vacation in two weeks.I'm way excited. It should be a great one. FB me or call if you want to see me! :)
I've been thinking a lot about the purpose of life. Not in a general sense, but for me personally. My brothers keep telling me that being single makes me self-centered. ;) I don't know if that is true or not, but this is my blog. I think I'm allowed to focus on me. :D
Anyway.
I was watching the Holstee Manifesto again wondering to myself, what is my passion? What do I love to do? Why am I here?
Sometimes I feel like there was a class on how to live life that I somehow missed. You know when you feel unmotivated and do the bare minimum just to get through? I feel like that has been me for the past 10 years.
How do you discover your passion?
And of course while I ponder things about life, it comes to love. When will I find love? People say that I just need to stop looking and things will happen on their own. That manifesto says that once I start doing the things I love, that love will come looking for me. What if I don't know how to do that?
You know, I blame my parents a lot in this blog for my issues. But I was thinking about it the other night, and my parents aren't really to blame. I mean... I know that there are some things that I am still trying to work out with them. However, most of my emotional damage has come from abusive "friends" (using the term loosely) that I allowed to treat me terribly. One group of people in particular seems to be at the root of my issues, and instead of leaving it in the past (where it belongs), I perpetuate it through current friends...even if it isn't in their nature to be that way.
I was reading This Article that my friend posted on his facebook wall (Be aware, it swears a lot...). I was so surprised at how many of these habits apply to me. The funny thing is that very little of my issues stem from my parents. Most of it is from those abusive relationships with associations with extended family and" friends."
I didn't fully realize this until I talked to one of my brothers about it. He and I talked for a while, and he said that although he understood my issues, he couldn't relate. That's when it all came together. My issues aren't from the family I was born into. They come from the family I chose.
That really hurts to admit...because for all those years...for all that time...I chose to be in those relationships. I chose to be insulted, belittled, stepped on, and basically made to think I wasn't worth anything. I chose to feel that way. Yes, those people took every advantage they could over me to make me feel bad, but I stood there and took it.
Why do people do that? Why to we stay in abusive relationships? Even in the aftermath of everything that went down, I still can't answer that question. What I do know is that I'm ready to put an end to it.
Yesterday I was reading a blog post over on Fat Girl PhD, and she said something that stuck with me: "when things are all good on the inside, it’s obvious on the outside too." I don't think that I have been "all good" in a long time, but it's about time I changed that.
I deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be healthy.
I deserve to be successful.
And most of all, I deserve to be loved.
It has taken me a LONG time to come to this point mentally and emotionally, but it will all work out. I know now that I have to make it happen. It won't be easy, but I know that I'm ready for a change. I'm going to take it one step at a time. It's about time for a Karyn Comeback.
****Realized I never published this...not really sure where my head was at when I posted it, but I figured I should post it. :)****
It's so funny to see how relationships change over time… and by funny I mostly mean sad and confusing.
Oh, I guess I should let you know that when I have emotional instability, I laugh. I just find it easier to hide my emotions under a smile. People don't bother you if you are smiling and laughing. I can deal with my issues and I don't have to bother people with my problems.
Well, I guess you all don't get that luxury…since I have decided that I need to vent all of my frustrations and well… everything else on this blog.
Lucky you!!! :)
Anywho… I have been ruminating on my friendships this week, and it feels like most of them are in a stage of dissolution. It's pretty sad…especially with all of the HUGE changes that are happening in my life, but I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles. The ebbs and tides of life are so interesting and often times confusing. I ask myself why I care, but the truth is that I am compelled to care. I love my friends, and I want them to be happy.
I came across an article today about dysfunctional families and the effect they have on people.
As I read it, I felt like someone was talking about all of my problems and telling me why I act the way I act and do the things I do. It was scary…and truthfully, it made me feel relieved. I'm not as crazy as I thought. There are reasons why I am the way I am. It's an interesting article, and I encourage you to read it. It has made me realize that I need to break the patterns of dysfunction and be better…not only for me, but for my future family.
Since I'm blogging, I may as well do the next challenge day, so here it is.
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
Hmm. That is tough. I think the hardest thing I have been though as of this moment was what happened with my mission call. It took all I had to pull myself back together, and I'm not 100% sure I'm entirely over it. I try everyday though, and I think that is what counts.
Anyway. I'll keep you all updated on developments in my life. Thanks for caring…and for reading. :)
I have so much on my mind right now, but there isn't really any way for me to say any of it. I'm sorry it has been a while since I have posted. I've been a bit busy. Don't give up on me! I'm still here.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
#1. Reading. I LOVE reading!!! :) It relaxes me and helps me to get a mental break from life. :)
#2. My friends. My friends are seriously the BOMB.com. I totally love them. They know how to make me smile and just forget the DRAMA! :)
#3. My family. I FREAKING LOVE MY FAMILY! :) For real…I miss having them nearby. They are so funny and loving and just…IDK. Amazing! :) Esp my nieces and nephews. I don't think that I ever really appreciated the unconditional love that little kids give until my brother's kids came along.
#4. Music. Me and music…it was meant to be. <3
#5. Probably giving to others. I know… CHEESY! ;) But, it's totally true. I love doing things for people. back rubs, cooking, cleaning, even just giving compliments. It makes me happy to know that I can make the people around me happy.
Things have been really awesome. :) Let me tell you the fantasticness that has been my weekend:
#1. The radio show this week was ridiculously awesome.
#2. Went to a dance that I thought would be terrible, but it ended up being AWESOME.
#3. Hung out with Ames, Susi, and Chris all week, which is always a bright spot in my life.
#4. Leo FINALLY came home...another bright spot. :)
#5. Bought a new mattress that is AWESOME. Best sleep ever!!! :)
#6. No Kidney stones! lol.
#7. Got to see a bunch of friends I haven't hung out with for a while... and got to meet some new friends. :)
#8. Cheered up friends after LONG days for them (and me). :D
Anyway... it really is the little things that matter. This week has been a bunch of little things that just made everything awesome. Thanks everyone! Here is the challenge post... and music. :)
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
1. Stay as independent as possible. This means emotionally and financially. Don't make stupid choices with money. Pay your bills and save as much as possible. You are going to have to do a lot by yourself. Don't sweat it. You are stronger than you think.
2. Build your testimony of Jesus Christ and His Atonement. You have a crazy road ahead of you, but He will help you through it.
3. Whether you like it or not, people are watching everything you do. I know you don't think it's fair, but that doesn't matter because it is true. You ARE an example. Be the best person and friend you can be.
4. Stay away from anything that will harm your body, mind, or spirit. For real. It matters.
5. Your closest friends will betray you in the near future. All of them. Don't let other people define your happiness or what makes you matter. You are amazing and fantastic just the way you are. Never forget that. Make friends with people that are genuine and who support your dreams. It gets better.
6. Stay away from people that make you feel bad about yourself. You don't need them. Oh, and stay away from boys that say mean and hurtful things to you. Their negative behavior is not masking a deeper love for you, and they will not come around in the end. Relationships don't have to hurt to be good. You deserve to be with people that love and appreciate you. You deserve a man that will love you unconditionally and treat you with love and respect. It will happen. I know you hate to hear this--but be patient. ;)
7. With regards to #6--LOVE with all your heart. You will have people betray you, hurt you, step on you, belittle you, bully you, and make your life a living hell...but you can transform them with your love. Love them no matter what. You make an impact on the world through your love. Never stop...ever.
8. Love goes hand in hand with forgiveness. Not only do you need to learn to forgive the people around you, but you need to forgive yourself as well. Remember: Forgiveness does not equate trust. You can forgive someone and never speak to them again. You can also forgive people and close them off emotionally if you are required to be around them. Don't be a martyr because you are "forgiving" someone.
9. Your parents and brothers really do love you. They all want you to be happy. They will be there when the world comes crashing down on you. They will also continue to do and say hurtful things, but you should try your best to keep positive relationships with all of them. Don't take it to heart. You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent girl. You will achieve success on your own terms.
10. Spend as much time with Grandma Nani as possible. Go to see her as much as you can. You are the only person that will be there for her in the end. Make as much time as you can to spend with her. She is a huge part of who you are today.
I have been sort of dreading this post because it's about my parents…and I have issues airing out my family stuff for everyone to see/read. I also got kidney stones a week ago, and have been dealing with that little nugget of happiness (no pun intended). But, After thinking about it...my life is my life. I wouldn't be the person I am today without my past. So--here it is. :) Hope everyone is doing swimmingly!
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
Wow. I have a really complicated relationship with my parents. I love them with all my heart, but it's super complicated.
I have a lot of pent up emotions regarding my relationship with them. Most of my problems didn't surface until I was in high school, and I am still dealing with a lot of anger and emotional scarring. I realize that my parents did the best that they could with what they had, but things were never secure for us. They both ALWAYS worked, and therefore never had time for me. I am also the only girl in a Mormon family, and I think they were so worried about my brothers making right choices and going on their missions that they didn't take a second look at me. I think that is why I went crazy in my teen to early twenties. I went off the deep end. I got into a lot of stuff that I now regret. I wanted my parents to support me, but they were busy trying to make ends meet. I know I shouldn't hold that against them. They were doing the best they could. But the truth is that I resent not being able to have them there for things.
The good news is that I'm working through it. There are a lot of things I could talk about in regards to my parents and me. I am 'stubborn' and 'strong-willed' to put it lightly, so you can imagine that we often would butt heads. Oh well. Everybody has family stuff, right? I can only hope that when I figure all of my issues out that I can talk to them and that they won't be hurt by me finding peace within myself.
I really love my parents. They are pretty much the perfect parents for someone like me. ;) We might have our ups and downs, but I love my family. We are all going to be together forever…and I'm going to do all I can to make sure that happens. :)
I just want to make a general statement. Just because your life has been one way, doesn't mean that everyone else's is that way too. Nothing irritates me more than willful ignorance. Don't judge the people around you because they are different or have different life experiences. You have NO idea what it's like t be in their shoes.
For all of you who have really struggled in life--for all the down-trodden and heart-broken… You don't have to be defined by what has happened to you in the past. You can make your own way. There is always time for change. There is always time for happiness. Don't give up. :)
Anyway. Here is the question/assignment for today:
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
1. I have arachnophobia. Like for real. It is paralyzing. I think this springs from when I was really little. We had just moved to Hawaii for the first time, and...well...let's just say that I had a lot of negative experiences with bugs. These experiences only worsened when we moved to Utah for the second time. :S
2. I have a fear of trusting people. I think it boils down to the fact that I have very VERY few people I can really rely on. Most people whom I have put my trust in either betray me or leave me. Sometimes it's just easier to not trust someone. Then you never get your heart broken.
3. I have a fear of success. I think this is the worst of them all. Any time I get close to being successful, I self-sabotage. I don't really know where it comes from, but I'm working on it. :) The funny thing is that I am FANTASTIC at helping other people achieve success, but I have a hard time getting it for me. :S
Anyway. I have homework to do. Have a great night!!!
So, my friend Latu is doing a 30-Day challenge to celebrate the 5th year anniversary of her blog. I haven't had my blog THAT long, but I decided that I would do the challenge, first because I love doing these, and second because I am in the mood to have some fun. :)
1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
I love to use paper plates. I hate using regular plates. This could be due to the fact that I don't like doing dishes, but maybe not.
I am terrified to travel outside of the US. I think it's because I've seen one too many episodes of "Locked Up Abroad."
I love llamas.
My favorite smell is Bounce Original scent dryer sheets.
When I occasionally get grouchy, I can be very mean-spirited. I try to stay away from that side of my persona if I can help it.
I am scared to fall in love. I am just realizing this, and it makes my life make so much more sense! lol
I collect the following things: pens, wooden boxes, crayons, hour glasses, and books.
Talking about books, I read a couple a week. I am always looking for a good book, so if you know of any--let me know! :)
I miss Hawaii everyday, but I don't see myself living there in the near or distant future.
I have vivid dreams every night, ad most of the time I remember each of them.
I hate war movies. I think this stems from my Dad forcing us to watch them when we were kids.
I have recently decided to give up tea. I admit that I am a tea drinker. It is wonderful to calm the nerves and just unwind…but it's a habit that needs to go.
I am superstitious.
I have a really scary scream. I used it once, and haven't screamed since because it scares me.
I have always wanted a dog, but I have deeded that unless I have a ton of yard--that it doesn't make any sense.
I have theme songs for all of my friends. Whenever I talk to them, their theme music plays in my head.
I hate having dirt under my fingernails.
I associate the smell of mustiness with Christmas.
There's something that you all should know about me.
I need to have people around me.
I usually try to be as independent as possible, but being physically or emotionally alone is THE WORST ever. Seriously. I'm like one of those dogs that you can't leave alone because they go crazy. This is usually okay because I have a stockpile of people that I can call up to fill the emptiness.
BUT...
As I've been going to school, I have been slowly cutting ties with my acquaintances because they don't understand that I can't go do things sometimes. I hate having to explain over and over that I have to sequester myself in my house in order to focus on school. Therein lies the catch 22. People don't ask me to do stuff because I usually can't go do anything. However, when I actually have time or the energy to do something...well, you get the idea.
I don't want sympathy or anything. Really. I just feel like I need to write about it. I think that's why (Leo, don't feel too pressured or anything...) I'm way excited for my cousin to come live here. It's like I finally have someone that can't not be my friend. lol. Does that sound retarded? I don't really have the words for it, but yeah. It goes deeper than that...I miss having family nearby, and Leo is the closest thing I have to a sister. I just... idk. I'm just having a crummy day I guess.
What do you do when your life isn't turning out the way you've wanted it to??? Like in a bad way?
I feel like I'm self-destructing, and I don't really know what to do about it. Nothing really as dramatic as that sounds. It's mostly an emotional thing. I'm WAY too positive to do really do anything negative to myself. But I feel like things are crumbling around me...and there are a lot of changes happening and I feel sort of overwhelmed...and I feel like I can't really talk about it because then I'll ruin everything and I'll REALLY be depressed.
That's why I've been sort of down in the dumps. I AM a positive person most of the time, but lately I haven't been able to pick myself up and just be happy. I think this version of me makes it so that people don't want to be around me...which is a contributor to the original problem. Man. What is wrong with me?!
Do you believe that you need to feel your way through your emotions in order to get over them??? Should I just go through this and see where I end up? OR should I just continue to push it away and just ignore how I feel?
IDK what to do. I don't want to feel bad, but I think it's important to go through this.
Anyway. Like I said. I don't want any sympathy... I just want the people I care about to know what I've been going through. lol. It's sort of ridiculous to do it this way, but it's easier for me to express myself this way.
Yes. Yes it is. :) I'm waiting to go to lunch, so I thought I'd make a mid-day post. :)
Let me tell you a little secret...
I think I'm having a quarter-life crisis. IDK What's wrong really, but maybe that's it. :S
I have been reading Pioneer Woman's latest posts where she answers reader's questions. She gives the BEST advice--advice that is amazingly poignant for this point in my life...and that also made me cry today.
Anyway, here are the bits that I found useful today.
"Your fear of having your heart broken might be a little on the elevated side. It’s natural for humans to protect themselves, particularly from emotional pain. But in order to find love, we do have to be willing to take a chance and open our hearts—otherwise, there’s nowhere for the love to enter.
I should write Hallmark cards. Not.
What I’m saying is, there are no guarantees...but that’s what makes love so wonderful. And look at it this way: to the extent that we’re able to feel hurt, we’re also able to feel joy. So don’t let fear drive you—whether in life, love, job, friendships...anything.
Also, don’t impose a schedule upon yourself. Don’t feel impatient that you’re not yet on the road to marriage. [...]You have plenty of time ahead. Concentrate on your life, your job, your hobbies, your interests—not on whether or not you’ll ever find a husband. It’ll probably happen when you’re busy with other things."
P-Dub on not letting fear rule you and staying in the now:
"Fear of being hurt should never drive us, though it’s hard for it not to. In order to be open to new love, new friendships, new experiences, we also have to open ourselves up a bit...which is always risky...don’t let fear of getting hurt stop you. Focus on the step you're on, not fourteen possible steps ahead."
"The sting will probably always be there, but the hurt only has the amount of power you choose to give it. Be positive, confident."
And a little something for the future (also from P-Dub):
"Look at marriage not as 50-50, but as 100-100. Because the truth is that at any given time, one of you will not be capable of giving 100%. And when that happens, the other will be there to fill in the gap, if you will.
Looking at marriage as 50-50 might suggest that you’ll only go so far, that you’ll only give what’s given to you in return—which can result in a little bit of score-keeping. But if you’re both all-in no matter what, I think real closeness can develop over the years. Marriage, in my dorky opinion, really does mean giving all of yourself to another person. Not that you cease to be your own person, obviously. You’re not just half of a whole. You’re two wholes...that make a larger whole.
Wait...what?
That made zero mathematical or logical sense. But marriage doesn’t either! It’s way more mysterious than that. So enjoy!"
She is so amazing! Seriously. I love her freaking guts!
Anyway. As I wait for the chance to go to lunch, I'll leave you with a song. Enjoy the rest of your Friday!
So, I have an 800 - 1200 word paper to write right now... but I feel like blogging instead! :)
Something you may or may not know about me--I have elective OCD. I can obsess over things that don't matter with the best of them. For the most part, it has been a good thing in my life...but lately it hasn't been the best thing for me to start obsessing over things. You see...I have slowly been becoming more and more secluded as school advances--leaving me very little distractions when I actually do have time to myself. This inevitable results in obsessing over things that don't matter or that don't concern me. Dang you OCD!
OCD Cutting Board I love this! :)
Anyway. I was going to blog about something awesome, but I honestly can't remember what I wanted to say. lol! Anyway. I was watching some YouTube stuff today and I came across this song. It's freaking AMAZING. It's like 2 years old, but its' still awesome! :) Enjoy!!!
Oh...PS and by the way, my cousin LEO will be here to live in 1 month from today! YAY!!!!!!!!
Delirious by: Vistoso Bosses feat. Soulja Boy
[Verse 1: Soulja Boy] Man this ridiculous I got you so delirious Kiss me through the phone while I lick you just like licorice I'm hov back in ninety-six and you can be my Sasha Fierce Baby you so sexy I love the way them jeans fit Put you on my team list Call you Miss. Beezy I'm Soulja Boy Tell'em I can make your life so easy And if you don't believe me, please don't tease me Delirious for my love better yet I got you feenin' {Lets Do It}
[Verse 2: Taylah P] Hey over there yeah what's your name Are you for real Is this a game You start to smile And I do the same I look away but you remain Your eyes starin back at me My heart starts to skip a beat I pray that you'll never know I've fallen and you look in my eyes
[Chorus:] You make me delirious That's when I start to fall Something serious When you look in my eyes You make me delirious That's when I start to fall Something is serious
[Verse 3: Taylah P] Now we're over here And you're next to me You look at me I find it hard to speak I start to laugh and you do the same I look at you You smile again Your hand holdin on to mine The thoughts runnin through my mind I try not to let it show I've fallen and you look in my eyes
[Chorus:] You make me delirious That's when I start to fall Something serious When you look in my eyes You make me delirious That's when I start to fall Something is serious
[Hook: x2] Your eyes starin' back at me My heart starts to skip a beat I pray that you'll never know I've fallen and you look in my eyes
[Verse 4: Kelci] Tell me how you feel I love it when you speak Oh you so sweet It was meant to be While you're here with me I wanna know you more Hold you more Kiss you till there's no more Love the way you walk Love it when you talk My feelings so so deep Every night I can't sleep De-li-ri-ous from my head to my feet De-li-ri-ous is what I can see Something serious when it comes to you and me
[Chorus:] You make me delirious That's when I start to fall Something serious When you look in my eyes You make me delirious That's when I start to fall Something is serious [x3]
I know that it has been a while. Sorry about that. I've been having a couple emotional weeks (as you will soon read...assuming you just don't stop after the first part...), and I haven't really wanted to share a lot. However, After talking about things, I figured that it's best to share what I'm going through. That way, things are still real. So--here it goes. :)
Here is a blog I wrote last week, an have been holding on to. I'd like to hear what you think. :)
I've been thinking a lot about relationships and love and…you know. All that mushy stuff.
I watched a movie, and ended up talking my friends about chick flicks. One of my friends said that I should watch more chick flicks, and I told them that I didn't like watching chick flicks because it portrays a skewed view of what love is.
Seriously. Chick flicks are terrible. I hate watching the girl ALWAYS getting the guy of her dreams. I hate seeing the fairytales. That never happens. You know what happens in real life??? LIFE. Things just doesn't happen that way…
But, can I tell you a secret?
I am a romantic. The conflict comes through my life experiences. I thought I had the fairytale. I thought I had happiness…and in ended up being fake. It wasn't real. He didn't really love me…
So I made a choice then that I only wanted real love.
The question is…what is real love? I don't think I even know. Is it sad that I want a guy to step up and show me what real love is? That I want someone to help me learn to trust and love again? Is it too late for me to find love? Do I really only get that one chance, and it''s over?
It makes me feel so weak to not be able to heal this heartache on my own, but I have to wonder-- Is it even possible alone?
Is it too much to ask for the guy of my dreams to just come scoop me up? Everyone around me gets the fairytale..or their version of it. What about me? I feel like the girl that just doesn't get it. Am I deluded to think that i deserve love?
Maybe that is the point. Why would I be entitled to love? What makes me better than the people around me?
One of my favorite talks is by a guy named Brad Wilcox--called "To Be Like A Child." In the talk, he tells a story about his 6th grade teacher coming into the classroom and slamming down his books in front of the class. Then he says, "Self-pity is the worst disease."
Sorry for the pity party. I guess I just have a lot on my mind.
Thanks for reading my ramblings. I promise, things will get better. :) The quirky crazy Karyn is in here somewhere, I just need to find where she ran off to. ;)
Anyway. Here are the lyrics for today...and a link to the video. :)
Both Of Us by: B.o.B feat. Taylor Swift
[Chorus: Taylor Swift] I wish I was strong enough to lift not one but both of us Some day I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us
[B.o.B:] Ever thought about losing it When your money's all gone and you lose your whip You might lose your grip when the landlord tell ya that you're due for rent And the grass so green on the other side Make a nigga wanna run straight through the fence Open up the fridge bout twenty times But still can't find no food in it That's foolishness And sometimes I wonder, why we care so much about the way we look, And the way we talk and the way we act and the clothes we bought, how much that cost? Does it even really matter? Cause if life is an uphill battle We all tryna climb with the same ol' ladder In the same boat, with the same ol' paddle Why so shallow? I'm just asking What's the pattern for the madness Everybody ain't a number one draft pick Most of us ain't Hollywood actors But if it's all for one, and one for all Then maybe one day, we all can ball Do it one time for the underdogs Sincerely yours, from one of y'all
[Chorus: Taylor Swift] I wish I was strong enough to lift not one but both of us Some day I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us
[B.o.B:] I can feel your pain, I can feel your struggle You just wanna live, but everything so low That you could drown in a puddle That's why I gotta hold us up, yeah hold us up For all the times no one's ever spoke for us To every single time that they play this song You can say that that's what Bobby Ray wrote for us When the tides get too high And the sea up underneath get so deep And you feel like you're just another person Getting lost in the crowd, way up high in the nosebleeds Uh, because we won't be near yet, both of us But we still stand tall with our shoulders up And even though we always against the odds These are the things that've molded us And if life hadn't chosen us Sometimes I wonder where I would've wound up Cause if it was up to me, I'd make a new blueprint Than build it from the ground up, hey But if it's all for one, and one for all Then maybe one day, we all can ball Do it one time for the underdogs From Bobby Ray, to all of y'all
[Chorus: Taylor Swift] I wish I was strong enough to lift not one but both of us Some day I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us
It has definitely been a long time since I last blogged. I really am sorry about that. It isn't because I haven't had anything to say. Actually, it is the opposite. I feel like there is too much to say and I can't do it all justice.
Well...that's a part of it. I also worry about saying too much...but I'm not even going to think about that part of things.
Anyway. So...life. It has been pretty crazy lately. I have really been focusing on school. I am still having a hard time motivating myself to stay on task, but I've decided that it is more important to me to graduate with great grades than it is for me to be the social phenomenon we all know I have the capacity to be. It is really hard for me because the more involved I get with school, the more it seems that people pull away from me. For someone that thrives on social interaction...it increases how lonely I have been feeling.
But, it's worth it, right? I mean...once I have my degree--I'll be able to fulfill all my dreams, won't I?
Who knows.
Sorry to be so depressed. I should be happy. It's Mother's Day.
Let me tell you a few things about some of my favorite women.
First is my Mom. I don't know anyone like my mom. She is such an awesome person. Seriously. Not only is she one of the smartest people I know, but she is also funny, bubbly, and overall just a great person. She sacrifices everything for the people she loves, and is THE example to me of what real strength is.
Next are my grandmas Nani and Phyllis.
My grandma Nani died a while ago. However, I was able to spend a lot of time with her before she died. Everyone loved my grandma Nani. She was always smiling and always serving others. She taught me the true value of serving those you love with no thought of yourself.
My grandma Phyllis is freaking awesome! :) I never really had the opportunity to get to know her as a kid, but we have become best friends in the last couple years. I tell my Gma Phyl everything, and she is always so patient with me. She is also an amazing example to me of service, independence, and finding the good in life. She always gives me awesome advice...in fact, she was the one that convinced me to go back to school. Anyway, I love her and I'm so glad that I have been able to develop a friendship with her.
Last is my great-grandma Ione. My great-grandma is such a cute lady. She is so sweet and kind. She is never judgmental, and never has a negative thing to say about anyone. She used to be the president of the international organization, known as the Rebeccas. She has a lot of really awesome stories from her travels with that group, and also just her normal life. :)
Anyway. I am so grateful for all the amazing women in my life that help me to become better. I hope eventually I will be able to have daughters of my own so that I can pass the tradition of amazingness on down the line. :)
Anyway. I hope you are are doing well. I'll try to be more regular with my blogging. :)
Aries and Independence: Aries personalities are independent. Being the first of the zodiac signs, they venture out and are go-getters, often leading the way. Their upbeat and magnetic personality often entices others to follow their lead because Aries personalities bring excitement into others lives.
Aries and Friendship: Aries are good friends, they always look out for their friends with caring and generosity and will protect them should the need arise and encourage them with their natural optimism. If confronted, Aries can turn to be quite childish, they will fight back with their agressive nature and are known to have temper tantrums should they not get their way.
Aries and Business: Aries are activists. If a business idea comes their way, they tend to plunge right in. Aries are more then willing to take a gamble and follow their dreams and goals. However, if success is not immediate, they tend to lose interest and give up easily. Aries are notorious for not finishing what they have begun. This is due to the low tolerance for boredom and lack of patience. If the excitement is gone from their business idea, they go off and search for it elsewhere.
Aries Temperament: Independence is key to Aries astrology, they do not like to take orders from others and enjoy getting their way. They can get childish or moody should they be given orders that they do not like. Aries easily take offense to comments made. Aries are self-involved and can be self-centered, if they do not pay attention to the feelings of others, Aries can easily become spoiled and resented by others. In order to get their way, Aries will tell a lie if it seems advantageous to do so. They are however, not very good liars and other people can usually see through them.
Aries Deep Inside: Underneath the strong, independent surface may lie insecurity. This is due to the intense drive to succeed and Aries put too much pressure on themselves, thus resulting in self-doubt however, the natural optimism and enthusiasm overtakes this and the underlying insecurity may never be known to others.
Aries in a Nutshell: Aries is the first of the zodiac signs. Aries is the sign of the self, people born under this sign strongly project their personalities onto others and can be very self-oriented. Aries tend to venture out into the world and leave impressions on others that they are exciting, vibrant and talkative. Aries tend to live adventurous lives and like to be the center of attention, but rightly so since they are natural, confident leaders. Aries are enthusiastic about their goals and enjoy the thrill of the hunt, "wanting is always better then getting" is a good way to sum it up. Aries are very impulsive and usually do not think before they act - or speak. Too often Aries will say whatever pops into their head and usually end up regretting it later!
What it's like to date an Aries Woman: Dating an Aries never lacks excitement. She is hot-blooded, and forceful, so you had better be able to handle the heat! The Aries woman is for the person who likes an independent self-driven woman who can fend for herself and is not clingy and needy. An Aries woman requires freedom. For the Aries woman, the best part of the relationship is the beginning, then the spark is there and she is trying to catch you to be hers. She will find happiness in a long-term relationship because she enjoys sharing everything with her partner. She will not only have a romantic partner but a best friend too. She has a great need for love and passion but she will never let a man become the master, she considers her partner to be equal. Aries women are not for domineering men. She will be faithful but she expects the same in return. She can be jealous because she wants a man to give her all of his attention, "all or nothing", so her jealously is rooted in her possessiveness, she has to be number one in his eyes. She will always encourage and give strength to her partner so an Aries woman is great to have in times of despair or need, she will always be there for you. In order to have this happy ending, she needs to feel appreciated and loved.
How To Attract Aries: Let Aries know that you admire them, they thrive of admiration and followers. Let them know that you love their zest for life and that you find them intriguing, they love compliments more then most other astrology signs of the zodiac. Compliment them physically and mentally, they like conversation about intellectual topics and engage them in a lively discussion, or a friendly debate. They love the challenge and the stimulation of good, intelligent conversation. Ask them for advice, let them know that you look up to them. Remember, Aries is the first sign of the zodiac and the most forward and independent, they love followers. Do not be a push over, do not keep your opinions to yourself because Aries will quickly get bored if you agree with everything they say. Do not attempt to control them however, they do not like taking orders. Aries are very capable people so if you go with their plans, you are sure to have a good time! If they have a suggestion for something to do, go with the flow, they like to be in control of what goes on.
Wow. A lot has happened since Christmas. Can you believe it? lol. It's only been about three weeks! Oh well.
So, I'll just recap the details since Christmas. I was off from work for the last week and a half of the year. So, Ames and I went to Salt Lake to hang out with Ames' family for New Years. I have never had any luck with New Year celebrations. Seriously. I think last year was the first one I have ever had where nothing stupid happened. It was pretty rad. We hung out and played Just Dance on Wii and relaxed, which was what I totally needed. :)
Anywho. Work and school has started up again. I need to really nail down a schedule for school and work and working out. It's tough because I either have to exercise EARLY in the morning (let's be honest...is this really even an option? I can barely get up by 7:15 every morning. :S) or after work...either right after work or around 9:00. In all honesty, I don't really want to work out after work. I am EXHAUSTED after work. All I want to do is chill out. I mean I have homework, but I would rather just focus on homework after work. I guess early in the morning is the only time. Maybe I'll try it a couple times next week to see how I like it.
Have you made resolutions for 2012? I have a few. I decided this year that I need to just make three or four resolutions so that I can realistically accomplish them all. So, here it goes:
1. Get healthy.
• This has been a life-long goal, but I think I am ready for it this year. I have broke it down into a couple sub-resos so I can focus on small steps:
- Go to the gym at least twice a week. I think I'll start this in February. I need to figure out what will work with my schedule.
- Eat out MUCH less than last year. I eat out a lot. I am honestly working on cutting back on that. I have started cooking at home. All I have to do is start bringing it to work. :)
- Work on the "mental" obstacles that I have regarding weight, and develop a healthy relationship with food. I know that this is probably going to be the hardest step, but I am stronger now than I have ever been when it comes to self-mastery. I can do it. :)
2. Get a new car.
• Sadly, Blanche is going the way of the world. :(
3. Pass all my classes.
• This is non-negotiable. I had to pay for a class once that I failed, and I won't do it again! :S
4. Work on my spiritual worthiness.
• This will probably be the toughest on me emotionally. I have a lot of things to work out within myself. Sadly there isn't anything that anyone can really do to help with this other than be supportive. However, this is something that is becoming more and more imperative for me to accomplish. This IS the year.
That's is! 2011 was a rough year for me, so I am looking to make 2012 AMAZING-er. :)
Here is the song for the day. A hui hou! (Until next time!)
Dog Days
Are Over
by: Florence And The Machine
Happiness, hit her like a train on a
track Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back She hid
around corners and she hid under beds She killed it with kisses
and from it she fled With every bubble she sank with a drink And
washed it away down the kitchen sink
The dog days are over The
dog days are done The horses are coming So you better run
Run
fast for your mother run fast for your father Run for your
children for your sisters and brothers Leave all your love and
your longing behind you Can't carry it with you if you want to
survive
The dog days are over The dog days are done Can
you hear the horses 'Cause here they come
And I never
wanted anything from you Except everything you had And what was
left after that too. oh.
Happiness hit her like a bullet in
the back Struck from a great height By someone who should know
better than that
The dog days are over The dog days are
gone Can you hear the horses 'Cause here they come
Run
fast for your mother and fast for your father Run for your
children for your sisters and brothers Leave all your love and
your longing behind you Can't carry it with you if you want to
survive
The dog days are over The dog days are gone Can
you hear the horses Because here they come
The dog days are
over The dog days are gone Can you hear the horses Because
here they come
