love

Okay... I know I’m probably just an emotional mess right now, but I feel the need to talk about love...

I know... LOVE. How lame... pathetic... and whatever... it’s my blog, so I'll write what I want to! :)

I’ve fallen in love with 3 guys in my lifetime. The first was a high school thing... sort of stupid and immature... I think I was more in love with the idea of him rather than HIM. I’m not even sure that qualifies as love... maybe just infatuation. Yeah. Well, it ended badly in any case. He ended up being a jerk off that wouldn't get over it, and I feel like I’m somehow still suffering repercussions (sp?) for his immaturity. I told him I liked him like... twice I think... and he freaked out. He told me he didn’t like me like that, and I was done... but for some reason, he thought I was obsessed... I guess it all comes down to high school boys being insufferably over confident, and my tendency to know exactly what I want and going for it with abandon.

Number two was a firefighter from Australia. He was hott and older, and I was a year past high school graduation, and rebellious. I met him at a bar… he walked me down the street and back, and we talked. He was in town for a week, and we spent the rest of the week together. We kept it alive with phone calls and emails. He was sweet, sensitive, and surprisingly intuitive. It all happened in a 6 month span. He took more time off that he should have, and came to Hawaii. I was naïve and thought I could accept his flaws and live with myself for making stupid decisions. We were engaged… and he was mad that I didn’t tell my parents that I wanted to marry a tattooed, smoking, drinking fireman from Aussie land. It also ended badly. Lol… I probably should have been nicer about it, but I realized I wanted more.

Lastly there was … I’ll call him Jim. Jim and I immediately clicked together. All it was was me walking into a room, and he and I were electric. I spent every waking moment with him. It was a dream… and it was… amazing. He was everything I wanted… everything I needed. If I was fire, he was water… we were so alike and so different. I don’t know exactly why things turned out the way it did… Jim was always a mystery to me. Whenever I thought I knew how to figure him out, he would shift, change, plunge me back into the dark. I think Jim and I would have been exactly like that… water and fire. Him always playing cool… smooth. Me being the fire... I am really a spitfire… ;) Maybe he knew that we couldn’t/wouldn’t work out. I caught him with another girl. I never understood why… I tried to escape him. He made me go to his wedding. Another girl. He still calls me too… Why can’t guys just leave well enough alone?

I’m sitting in my office at work right now. I can feel how cold it is outside, but I don’t really want to put my jacket on. Typing is relieving the stress of the emotional onslaught that just happened… I was reading a story my friend wrote… the first or second draft actually. It was fantastically poignant and lovely… It's about two friends (Ben and Alice) that ended up together. I hate to think it, but I don’t know if I’ll ever have that kind of love. It seems like every ‘relationship’ (however loosely applied) I’ve had turns out badly. I’ve had guys tell me that I have unrealistic expectations… that I’m distant, that I’m clingy, that I’m too NICE (how can someone be too nice?) that I care too much.

What is love if you can’t express the emotions that are inside of you? I’ve had boyfriends that have gotten married TWO weeks after I broke up with them? Is something wrong with me? Am I somehow unmarriable? (is that a word? … oh well…) I know that things with the ‘loves of my life’ have turned out for the better… but what about me??? Every one of them is now married… and I’m still single. What does that mean? Or does it mean nothing? Will I get what I want in the end? The companionship and electricity? The priesthood and the attraction? When it comes for me will I know it, or will I miss it?

Love is such a strange emotion. There is nothing else that can dually hurt and heal… But when it really happens will it hurt?