Monday, September 9, 2013

It's ALIVE!

Yes. It is true. I am still alive! Haha!

I know it has been quite a while since I've written anything, and I'm not sure if anyone still reads blogs anymore, but I just had a lot on my mind and felt like I needed to get it off my chest. Here is what I imagine all of you saying:


So much has been going on, and I don't even know where to begin. I guess the first thing I'll talk about is my Dad. A few weeks ago he had what is called a grand mal seizure. It's the worst kind of seizure that there is, and it was pretty scary for all of us. We still don't know what the cause was or what exactly we can do about it other than medication...so yeah. I guess that is the least complicated of all the stuff going on.

I also got a new full-time job. It has been such a relief to get something full-time, and I'm glad that I have it. I think I have realized that I like to have down time, and having a shift-type job (instead of a regular 9-5 type) basically means that I have no life. I have also decided that I need to do more creative things. I have stopped doing things really creative in the past 5 years, and I realized that I need creativity in my life in order to feel relaxed and centered. It has been a while since I have even thought of an entirely creative endeavor, so I am really excited about it! :)

Next is I am tired of being overweight. I know that I am in control of this, and I am trying to be better about what I eat and not to be so sedentary all the time. I think as my schedule starts to even out that I will be able to find a good balance. My biggest problem is motivation. I can't find anything that motivates me. I will start working out or start on a new eating regimen, but as soon as my resolve is tested I cave. It is so frustrating. I need to definitely work on self-mastery, but I don't even know where to start. I can get it together in all other aspects of my life, but for some reason this is the one that is eluding me. It is so frustrating. Health is something that I cherish, but when it comes to weight loss, I don't know where to start. I'm working on it, but it is hard to go it alone. I know I'm not alone, but yeah...

I have also been more lonely than usual lately. I am typically really good at managing my loneliness. Most people don't even know that I feel lonely. However, more often lately I have been missing having romantic love in my life. It's silly that at the time I feel I am most repugnant, that I am longing for love more than I ever have. Maybe my self confidence is a result of that feeling. I'm worried about feeling like this because I am prone to lash out at people.


I have been reading this blog called 40 Days of Dating. It is a study of two friends with opposite relationship issues that decide to date for 40 days and see how it changes them. I won't ruin it for those of you that want to go and read it, but I have to say that it really opened my eyes. I have a lot of issues and if I learned anything from the study, it is that I need to seek out professional help. I self-sabotage in my personal relationships and goals, and go as far as to cutting off potential relationships (no matter how remote the chances) because I am scared of being hurt or abandoned.

If I could go off on a religious tangent, I think that it is very applicable here. I was at a friend's ward today and the Bishop of the ward was speaking. His talk was so amazing, and there was so much that he said that directly related to me. However, the thing that I have been turning over and over in my mind is, "Receiving remission for your sins and retaining a remission for your sins are two different things. You receive remission of your sins through repentance, but you retain a remission for your sins through service." I feel like I have been so full of doubt, fear, anger, guilt, and just plain unhappiness that it has crowded out the Spirit of peace and joy in my life. Service is something that i truly enjoy, but rarely am able to find the opportunity for. I have been thinking a lot about volunteering on a semi-regular basis somewhere. I think the service would help me to be better in my own life.


Okay. I'll finish here because I need to hit the hay. If you read the whole post, THANKS! If not, it's all good. Here is a song to get you going. :)


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