I've been thinking a lot about what I've been investing my time in... and if I've correctly judged what I place importance upon in my life. I do this pretty regularly because as someone who regularly swings between chaotic good, chaotic neutral alignment (if you need an explanation of alignments, click here. Also... oh, you sweet summer child. Haha), I can't always trust that what I'm doing is GOOD. I can only see that it brings me the freedom I want/need. I can't always see if it is good for ME either.
Let me explain it if you're a little confused. When I graduated from high school, I was DONE with school. So, I decided that I was going to not go to college (even though I was accepted by like 4 colleges, and had a scholarship). I didn't see that this decision would set back my actual life plans or that having nothing to focus on would only fuel my already burgeoning alcoholism. I didn't see or even care that if I didn't take advantage of my scholarship, that I would lose it... I didn't even care that It's actually HARD for a lot of people to get into college. I only saw that I was tired of being told what to do and feeling controlled.
When something comes along in my life and it feels BIG or that it might change the balance of anything, I kind of freak out a little. Sometimes those freakouts look like me isolating myself, or lashing out at people, or running away, or fighting. (I'm working on it. :) ) SO, as I've gotten older and more used to the weaknesses that my particular energy levels, personality, alignments, and basically the nuances of being me bring, I've developed a type of system test to make sure that I'm on the right path. Since I 'can't see the forest for the trees' most of the time, anything that upsets the balance of my life just obliterates everything. It's like that game, Perfection. IDK if you remember that game... there's a board on a timer and you have to put all the pieces in the right slots and if the timer runs out, the board pops all the pieces out (Here's an old commercial about it: COMMERCIAL). So to short circuit that, I have become an overthinker. I try to weigh things rationally, removing emotion (if I can) from the equation to see where I stand, and then look at what emotions I'm having and where they stem from and decide on whether or not to include them in choosing if I allow someone or something into my life.
Let me explain it if you're a little confused. When I graduated from high school, I was DONE with school. So, I decided that I was going to not go to college (even though I was accepted by like 4 colleges, and had a scholarship). I didn't see that this decision would set back my actual life plans or that having nothing to focus on would only fuel my already burgeoning alcoholism. I didn't see or even care that if I didn't take advantage of my scholarship, that I would lose it... I didn't even care that It's actually HARD for a lot of people to get into college. I only saw that I was tired of being told what to do and feeling controlled.
When something comes along in my life and it feels BIG or that it might change the balance of anything, I kind of freak out a little. Sometimes those freakouts look like me isolating myself, or lashing out at people, or running away, or fighting. (I'm working on it. :) ) SO, as I've gotten older and more used to the weaknesses that my particular energy levels, personality, alignments, and basically the nuances of being me bring, I've developed a type of system test to make sure that I'm on the right path. Since I 'can't see the forest for the trees' most of the time, anything that upsets the balance of my life just obliterates everything. It's like that game, Perfection. IDK if you remember that game... there's a board on a timer and you have to put all the pieces in the right slots and if the timer runs out, the board pops all the pieces out (Here's an old commercial about it: COMMERCIAL). So to short circuit that, I have become an overthinker. I try to weigh things rationally, removing emotion (if I can) from the equation to see where I stand, and then look at what emotions I'm having and where they stem from and decide on whether or not to include them in choosing if I allow someone or something into my life.
Obviously, this isn't the most optimal solution... and is flawed at best, but it has worked for me thus far. I'm tired of things in my life exploding out of balance. Every time that happens, I have to take everything that I've made decisions about and look at them objectively to see if I'm good or... for lack of better phrasing if I fucked things up. Because I can't always see if what I'm doing is hurting the people around me... or if they are negatively impacted by what I'm doing or choosing. Overthinking has become a way of life for me. Before I will befriend someone, I watch them to see if I can handle bringing them into my life. Before I make that big purchase, I research every type of thing and make sure it's exactly what I want. I overthink everything all the time... and it's EXHAUSTING.
BUT because I have that chaotic energy too... I will also make decisions without thinking at all. It's never anything I foresee being a big deal, but sometimes it ends up being a big thing... and I have to do damage control. Hahahaha. I can hear you shake your head. Haha. I'm a complicated woman, what can I say?
Anyway, I've made a few big decisions over the past few weeks, and it's throwing my entire life into chaos again, and I can hear the timer running out... and I'm just trying to see if everything is "okay" or if I need to make any alterations to the particular set of rules that I live my life by.
That sounds insane... even in my head haha. But, again, it's my process, and I am trying to mitigate imminent damage.
I'm hoping that I haven't made the wrong decisions, or am actively hurting the people I care about, or that when I start down this new path... that I'm enough to make shit happen... but if I'm honest, I'm also super excited to see where it will take me and to test my mettle. Also, I trust my gut feelings. I might not take the straightest, easiest way, but it's always interesting and entertaining.
Anyway, wish me luck! Let's hope that at the end of it, the people I'm dragging along with me (and I) will be where I can visualize us to be. That everything will shake out for the best, and that I can reset the game and be happy where the pieces go. ;)
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