Weekend trip

Aloha!

I am extremely tired right now and need to wake up early, but I for some reason am on my blog writing to you.

This weekend I took a trip to the semi-great white North...aka Salt Lake City. I needed to get away, so I packed up two of my best friends (L & C) and hit the road. It was a great trip, but I realized a few things about myself this weekend:

I am WAY too stressed out. Seriously. I need to chill. I didn't realize how wound up I have been until I broke down into tears over seeing some (amazing, but not particularly emotionally inspiring) Christmas lights. The cause? Feeling overwhelmed by hearing that we had an offer on our house. I know I'm a girl, but I rarely cry (in front of people). It's weird...and embarrassing. GET IT TOGETHER KARYN!

I worry too much. About everything. I used to think it was a good quality, but when I am stepping in the way of my friend's choices because I am worried about them... especially when I got my own crap to worry about...there is a problem. Sorry guys. Don't mind your friend having a mental break. Just step over me and continue with your lives. :S

I feel like I am losing my "edge" in my old age. Haha. I know, I know-- am not old at all, but I am losing parts of myself that I really love. For instance--my ability to rap...or my ability to drive like a race car driver on cocaine. What is happening to me??? I used to be so hardcore. I feel like I'm losing my chocolate and becoming vanilla...(PS--not race related at all. ;) )

The nice thing about my friends is that they forgive me for being an a--hole pretty regularly. Some people may or may not think that me being the hugest jerk ever is even possible, but believe me--it is. I try to be nice to people in general, but the people close to me get to see the darker parts of my personality. I often forget how sensitive people are in general. That's what happens when you spend a large portion of your life being apathetic. When you turn off the apathy and move into the world of emotions, you can lose your way and lash out in weird ways.

I'll take a second here, if I may:

I am so sorry for what I said, and how I have treated/have been treating you. I have no excuses. I am trying to figure out how to be me without hurting the people around me--especially the people I actually care about. I hope you can forgive me for being a huge jerk.

Okay. I can move forward now.

So the weekend trip. I had a lot of introspective time...obviously. My mind usually runs on high-octane, but I also had the luxury of driving 4 hours with sleeping passengers. I'm glad we went, but thinking too much can be counter productive for me. So I did what any sane person would do--I got lost in music. :D I love how music can erase everything in my mind and I can just immerse myself in the beat. So good.

Anyway, we got to spend time with my cousin Kapono (and his familia). I love that freaking guy. It has been WAY too long since I have seen him and spent quality time with him. We also saw Ames and her semi-new manfriend. I'm always happy to see and spend time with her. It wasn't long enough, but c'est la vie.

Looking at Kapono's name reminds me that I was going to tell you what pono means. (See previous post). It is loosely relevant to what I am talking about...let's see if I can pull it all together so I can get some sleep. Pono means right...like an innate rightness or righteousness...although it isn't a religious word unless used in that context. It is basically making something right, or correct...like the most correct something can be. It's like if the world was a puzzle, being pono would be solving the puzzle and seeing how all the pieces fit together.

I think that is what I am trying to accomplish with my life. I want my life to be pono. I want to find out where I fit in the world. It is HARD. I never thought it would be this hard. I thought my place in the puzzle was to help the people around me...but I feel like every time I try to help people, it goes awry. Maybe my place is to point directions, but not to actually be there for the journey. Maybe my place is to be the shady drug dealer. Who knows?!

Well, I guess the moral of the story is that we are all works in progress. Sorry that my progress has taken a side trip on a--hole parkway. I'm sure I'll pass onto the next phase soon.

Hope your weekend was as great as mine. I also hope you figure out how to be more pono in your life. :D

I leave you with one of my favorite songs to rap to.