I'm all alone.

Hey.

There's something that you all should know about me.

I need to have people around me.

I usually try to be as independent as possible, but being physically or emotionally alone is THE WORST ever. Seriously. I'm like one of those dogs that you can't leave alone because they go crazy. This is usually okay because I have a stockpile of people that I can call up to fill the emptiness.

BUT...

As I've been going to school, I have been slowly cutting ties with my acquaintances because they don't understand that I can't go do things sometimes. I hate having to explain over and over that I have to sequester myself in my house in order to focus on school. Therein lies the catch 22. People don't ask me to do stuff because I usually can't go do anything. However, when I actually have time or the energy to do something...well, you get the idea.

I don't want sympathy or anything. Really. I just feel like I need to write about it. I think that's why (Leo, don't feel too pressured or anything...) I'm way excited for my cousin to come live here. It's like I finally have someone that can't not be my friend. lol. Does that sound retarded? I don't really have the words for it, but yeah. It goes deeper than that...I miss having family nearby, and Leo is the closest thing I have to a sister. I just... idk. I'm just having a crummy day I guess.

What do you do when your life isn't turning out the way you've wanted it to??? Like in a bad way?

I feel like I'm self-destructing, and I don't really know what to do about it. Nothing really as dramatic as that sounds. It's mostly an emotional thing. I'm WAY too positive to do really do anything negative to myself. But I feel like things are crumbling around me...and there are a lot of changes happening and I feel sort of overwhelmed...and I feel like I can't really talk about it because then I'll ruin everything and I'll REALLY be depressed.

That's why I've been sort of down in the dumps. I AM a positive person most of the time, but lately I haven't been able to pick myself up and just be happy. I think this version of me makes it so that people don't want to be around me...which is a contributor to the original problem. Man. What is wrong with me?!

Do you believe that you need to feel your way through your emotions in order to get over them??? Should I just go through this and see where I end up? OR should I just continue to push it away and just ignore how I feel?

IDK what to do. I don't want to feel bad, but I think it's important to go through this.

Anyway. Like I said. I don't want any sympathy... I just want the people I care about to know what I've been going through. lol. It's sort of ridiculous to do it this way, but it's easier for me to express myself this way.

Thanks. Seriously. Thank you. :)

What?! A Mid-Day Post?!

Yes. Yes it is. :) I'm waiting to go to lunch, so I thought I'd make a mid-day post. :)

Let me tell you a little secret...

I think I'm having a quarter-life crisis. IDK What's wrong really, but maybe that's it. :S

I have been reading Pioneer Woman's latest posts where she answers reader's questions. She gives the BEST advice--advice that is amazingly poignant for this point in my life...and that also made me cry today.

Anyway, here are the bits that I found useful today.

P-Dub on being available to love:

"Your fear of having your heart broken might be a little on the elevated side. It’s natural for humans to protect themselves, particularly from emotional pain. But in order to find love, we do have to be willing to take a chance and open our hearts—otherwise, there’s nowhere for the love to enter.

I should write Hallmark cards. Not.

What I’m saying is, there are no guarantees...but that’s what makes love so wonderful. And look at it this way: to the extent that we’re able to feel hurt, we’re also able to feel joy. So don’t let fear drive you—whether in life, love, job, friendships...anything.

Also, don’t impose a schedule upon yourself. Don’t feel impatient that you’re not yet on the road to marriage. [...]You have plenty of time ahead. Concentrate on your life, your job, your hobbies, your interests—not on whether or not you’ll ever find a husband. It’ll probably happen when you’re busy with other things."

P-Dub on not letting fear rule you and staying in the now:

"Fear of being hurt should never drive us, though it’s hard for it not to. In order to be open to new love, new friendships, new experiences, we also have to open ourselves up a bit...which is always risky...don’t let fear of getting hurt stop you. Focus on the step you're on, not fourteen possible steps ahead."

Still P-Dub...on a relationship gone bad:

"The sting will probably always be there, but the hurt only has the amount of power you choose to give it. Be positive, confident."

And a little something for the future (also from P-Dub):

"Look at marriage not as 50-50, but as 100-100. Because the truth is that at any given time, one of you will not be capable of giving 100%. And when that happens, the other will be there to fill in the gap, if you will.

Looking at marriage as 50-50 might suggest that you’ll only go so far, that you’ll only give what’s given to you in return—which can result in a little bit of score-keeping. But if you’re both all-in no matter what, I think real closeness can develop over the years. Marriage, in my dorky opinion, really does mean giving all of yourself to another person. Not that you cease to be your own person, obviously. You’re not just half of a whole. You’re two wholes...that make a larger whole.

Wait...what?

That made zero mathematical or logical sense. But marriage doesn’t either! It’s way more mysterious than that. So enjoy!"

She is so amazing! Seriously. I love her freaking guts!

Anyway. As I wait for the chance to go to lunch, I'll leave you with a song. Enjoy the rest of your Friday!

Procrastinating...Among Other Things

So, I have an 800 - 1200 word paper to write right now... but I feel like blogging instead! :)

Something you may or may not know about me--I have elective OCD. I can obsess over things that don't matter with the best of them. For the most part, it has been a good thing in my life...but lately it hasn't been the best thing for me to start obsessing over things. You see...I have slowly been becoming more and more secluded as school advances--leaving me very little distractions when I actually do have time to myself. This inevitable results in obsessing over things that don't matter or that don't concern me. Dang you OCD!

OCD Cutting Board
I love this! :)

Anyway. I was going to blog about something awesome, but I honestly can't remember what I wanted to say. lol! Anyway. I was watching some YouTube stuff today and I came across this song. It's freaking AMAZING. It's like 2 years old, but its' still awesome! :) Enjoy!!!

Oh...PS and by the way, my cousin LEO will be here to live in 1 month from today! YAY!!!!!!!!

Delirious
by: Vistoso Bosses feat. Soulja Boy

[Verse 1: Soulja Boy]
Man this ridiculous I got you so delirious
Kiss me through the phone while I lick you just like licorice
I'm hov back in ninety-six and you can be my Sasha Fierce
Baby you so sexy I love the way them jeans fit
Put you on my team list
Call you Miss. Beezy
I'm Soulja Boy Tell'em
I can make your life so easy
And if you don't believe me, please don't tease me
Delirious for my love better yet I got you feenin'
{Lets Do It}

[Verse 2: Taylah P]
Hey over there yeah what's your name
Are you for real
Is this a game
You start to smile
And I do the same
I look away but you remain
Your eyes starin back at me
My heart starts to skip a beat
I pray that you'll never know
I've fallen and you look in my eyes

[Chorus:]
You make me delirious
That's when I start to fall
Something serious
When you look in my eyes
You make me delirious
That's when I start to fall
Something is serious

[Verse 3: Taylah P]
Now we're over here
And you're next to me
You look at me
I find it hard to speak
I start to laugh and you do the same
I look at you
You smile again
Your hand holdin on to mine
The thoughts runnin through my mind
I try not to let it show
I've fallen and you look in my eyes

[Chorus:]
You make me delirious
That's when I start to fall
Something serious
When you look in my eyes
You make me delirious
That's when I start to fall
Something is serious

[Hook: x2]
Your eyes starin' back at me
My heart starts to skip a beat
I pray that you'll never know
I've fallen and you look in my eyes

[Verse 4: Kelci]
Tell me how you feel
I love it when you speak
Oh you so sweet
It was meant to be
While you're here with me
I wanna know you more
Hold you more
Kiss you till there's no more
Love the way you walk
Love it when you talk
My feelings so so deep
Every night I can't sleep
De-li-ri-ous from my head to my feet
De-li-ri-ous is what I can see
Something serious when it comes to you and me

[Chorus:]
You make me delirious
That's when I start to fall
Something serious
When you look in my eyes
You make me delirious
That's when I start to fall
Something is serious
[x3]

Yes, I am updating. :)

Hello all. :)

I know that it has been a while. Sorry about that. I've been having a couple emotional weeks (as you will soon read...assuming you just don't stop after the first part...), and I haven't really wanted to share a lot. However, After talking about things, I figured that it's best to share what I'm going through. That way, things are still real. So--here it goes. :)

First of all, I found this website: www.lifed.com/bucket-list-225-things-to-do-before-you-die/. It is AMAZING. I listed a few things I have done…and a few I want to do. I think I'm doing pretty well!

Want
2, 13, 14, 15, 23, 37, 38, 42, 46, 48, 52, 54, 55, 56, 60, 62, 63, 67, 72, 73, 75, 77, 83, 88, 89, 90, 95, 98, 106, 107, 108, 109, 113, 116, 118, 121, 123, 125, 131, 138, 145, 149, 154, 157, 158, 159, 160, 161, 173, 174, 178, 182, 184, 185, 186, 187, 201, 211, 212, 216, 217

Have
6, 9, 11, 12, 27, 29, 36, 43, 44, 45, 85, 87, 93, 94, 95, 100, 103, 104, 120, 124, 126, 128, 129, 140, 150, 154, 164, 175, 176, 191, 195, 200, 202, 204, 206, 207, 209, 218, 220, 223, 225

Here is a blog I wrote last week, an have been holding on to. I'd like to hear what you think. :)

I've been thinking a lot about relationships and love and…you know. All that mushy stuff.

I watched a movie, and ended up talking my friends about chick flicks. One of my friends said that I should watch more chick flicks, and I told them that I didn't like watching chick flicks because it portrays a skewed view of what love is.

Seriously. Chick flicks are terrible. I hate watching the girl ALWAYS getting the guy of her dreams. I hate seeing the fairytales. That never happens. You know what happens in real life??? LIFE. Things just doesn't happen that way…

But, can I tell you a secret?

I am a romantic. The conflict comes through my life experiences. I thought I had the fairytale. I thought I had happiness…and in ended up being fake. It wasn't real. He didn't really love me…

So I made a choice then that I only wanted real love.

The question is…what is real love? I don't think I even know. Is it sad that I want a guy to step up and show me what real love is? That I want someone to help me learn to trust and love again? Is it too late for me to find love? Do I really only get that one chance, and it''s over?

It makes me feel so weak to not be able to heal this heartache on my own, but I have to wonder-- Is it even possible alone?

Is it too much to ask for the guy of my dreams to just come scoop me up? Everyone around me gets the fairytale..or their version of it. What about me? I feel like the girl that just doesn't get it. Am I deluded to think that i deserve love?

Maybe that is the point. Why would I be entitled to love? What makes me better than the people around me?

One of my favorite talks is by a guy named Brad Wilcox--called "To Be Like A Child." In the talk, he tells a story about his 6th grade teacher coming into the classroom and slamming down his books in front of the class. Then he says, "Self-pity is the worst disease."

Sorry for the pity party. I guess I just have a lot on my mind.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. I promise, things will get better. :) The quirky crazy Karyn is in here somewhere, I just need to find where she ran off to. ;)

Anyway. Here are the lyrics for today...and a link to the video. :)

Both Of Us
by: B.o.B feat. Taylor Swift

[Chorus: Taylor Swift]
I wish I was strong enough to lift not one but both of us
Some day I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us

[B.o.B:]
Ever thought about losing it
When your money's all gone and you lose your whip
You might lose your grip when the landlord tell ya that you're due for rent
And the grass so green on the other side
Make a nigga wanna run straight through the fence
Open up the fridge bout twenty times
But still can't find no food in it
That's foolishness
And sometimes I wonder, why we care so much about the way we look,
And the way we talk and the way we act and the clothes we bought, how much that cost?
Does it even really matter?
Cause if life is an uphill battle
We all tryna climb with the same ol' ladder
In the same boat, with the same ol' paddle
Why so shallow? I'm just asking
What's the pattern for the madness
Everybody ain't a number one draft pick
Most of us ain't Hollywood actors
But if it's all for one, and one for all
Then maybe one day, we all can ball
Do it one time for the underdogs
Sincerely yours, from one of y'all

[Chorus: Taylor Swift]
I wish I was strong enough to lift not one but both of us
Some day I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us

[B.o.B:]
I can feel your pain, I can feel your struggle
You just wanna live, but everything so low
That you could drown in a puddle
That's why I gotta hold us up, yeah hold us up
For all the times no one's ever spoke for us
To every single time that they play this song
You can say that that's what Bobby Ray wrote for us
When the tides get too high
And the sea up underneath get so deep
And you feel like you're just another person
Getting lost in the crowd, way up high in the nosebleeds
Uh, because we won't be near yet, both of us
But we still stand tall with our shoulders up
And even though we always against the odds
These are the things that've molded us
And if life hadn't chosen us
Sometimes I wonder where I would've wound up
Cause if it was up to me, I'd make a new blueprint
Than build it from the ground up, hey
But if it's all for one, and one for all
Then maybe one day, we all can ball
Do it one time for the underdogs
From Bobby Ray, to all of y'all

[Chorus: Taylor Swift]
I wish I was strong enough to lift not one but both of us
Some day I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us