life

hey everybody!!!

so this is the first time in a long time that I've been blogging... just because i thought it was dumb and no one reads it... that's probably true, but its nice to be able to let it all out and not have to worry about people acting dumb after.

so... this weekend is this HUGE party that ive been helping my friend/hanai cousin (adopted cousin) plan for her grandma (who is like my dads second mom). so its all good, and we get along really well, and shes totally awesome.

but (there's always a but, huh???) okay. she is sort of... undependable. which is fine. but i feel like I'm picking up the slack, and nothing was getting planned, and she spent all of her time just shopping and playing around. however, this is cool too, because shes a really good friend, and I'm used to picking up the slack... but the thing that irritates me is... we asked for help from one of MY family friends, and she is just being SO awesome... she is like spending a butt load of money to make it happen, and to make it really classy and stuff, and she asks my friend to do something (small) for her by Tues (today) and what does my friend do? she leaves it til the last minute... and then she makes me do it for her! which not only makes me look bad to my family friend, (whim i have the HUGEST amount of respect for) but, it makes it so that she may not help me out in the future with things that i know she would do AWESOME at.

i know that i put a "higher standard" for certain things, but if someone is sacrificing something for your cause and is VOLUNTEERING to do it, doesn't that make it like a higher priority? am i wrong in assuming that you should show your gratitude through being as accommodating to them as possible?

besides the fact that now shes all stink because i was bugging her all day to get on top of it (because i knew she was going to slack off...) that kind of thing irritates me to NO END!

but, i don't want to make a federal case out of it, so... im over it.

i think my coworkers hate me.

i wish i was better at life than i am now... it just seems that I'm slipping into nothingness, and i don't know how to make things better... i don't know how to apologize for everything. i don't know how to be ME again.

i feel like this place is sucking my soul out of me. I'm being brainwashed all the time, and the people here literally suck out all you personality and energy.

i just wish i knew what to do with my life. I'm not getting any younger and i still haven't decided what i want to be... i know i want to make sufficient funds to support myself and a family (in the future) and i know i want something challenging and diverse. i want something that i can be creative in and something i can excel at. if anyone has any suggestions, I'm up for it.