The Help You Need

So... I haven't really talked a ton about what has been going on lately. I've actually been super depressed and haven't wanted to get into the emotion of it all.

BUT

That isn't healthy. And I want people to know what's happening with me and where my head is at. I know that most people don't read blogs anymore, but I also know that this is the only journal that I have at the moment... and saying I've been too busy is kind of an understatement, but it's also a lie. Not that I haven't been busy. I have... but not so busy that I couldn't blog, or at least document what has been going on in my life.

So...the beginning of this year, my dog Honey died. It may sound ridiculous or whatever, but it's probably the biggest and hardest thing I've had to go through for a very long time. And it affected me so STRONGLY.

I'm not typically a super emotional person. I try to keep things buttoned up. Like, the most I'll show most people is the glistening tear down my cheek. But with Honey it was different. I couldn't keep it together. Still to this day (she died in Feb... a couple weeks before her 3rd birthday) I will just start crying over her. I just miss her... every day... all the time. Especially lately...

You see, a year and 1/4 ago, my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 sub-mandibular cancer. To be honest, I was completely floored when I found out. I mean, he's my Dad. He's supposed to be Superman. Invincible. At first, I was SURE that he would beat it. But...

I've been watching him fight and lose this battle... and there isn't anything I can do except be here and love him. And now... in just a short time, he'll be gone. And no one will call me "Whirly" again (his special nickname for me). I didn't get enough time with him, and he could die at any time. He won't be here anymore. Why do the people we love have to leave?

I love my Dad for so many reasons. Not to say that we didn't have our differences, but I'm a Daddy's girl through and through. He won't be here to teach me to fix things (aka let me watch him fix things), and I won't be able to hear his laugh... or lean on his shoulder, or give him hugs, or ask for his advice. What if I get married? He won't be there to walk me down the aisle... or to hug my kids... Any future family will never know him or know how special and loving he is.

I wish I did so many things differently. I wish I asked him more about his childhood, and asked to hear more stories about our culture. I wish I made more of an effort to learn guitar and bass. I wish I asked what his favorites were... and took more chances to just sit and talk with him. I wish I took a million more pictures of him... especially me and him together. I wish it was straight up Truman Show up in here, and I had every moment recorded so I could never forget any of it.

The only solace I have is my faith in knowing that families can be together forever. That I'll be able to see my Dad again. That he'll be watching over me.

I'm so lucky he's still here, and that I can help him transition into the next phase of existence... even if it's just for the next little while. I pray every day that he isn't suffering. I try to tell him every day that I love him... and I'm trying to be strong for my family... and for myself. It's hard to tell if he can hear me, but I hope he feels it. I hope he feels the love of everyone that cares for him.

I've really been contemplating starting to go to therapy again... because I am not coping well. And I know when my Dad goes, it will be even worse. I was re-reading some journal entries, and there was a part of one that I thought was especially poignant and pertinent to where I'm at right now:

I have a hole in my heart. It's been there for most of my life. I'm still trying to figure out when I got it and where I got it from, but I can feel it there. Some days it's only the size of a pin prick. Some days it's the ocean.

 It's felt like the ocean for a long time. Longer than it ever has before. And it's affecting me negatively. I am usually super happy and positive... but I'm having a harder and harder time holding on to the happy.  It's time for me to reach out for help.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Just remember...Life is so precious and so short. Love the people around you. Listen to them. Talk to them. Hug them. Cherish them. You never know when their time will be gone... or when yours will be. I may or may not not know you, dear reader... regardless, I love you, and I'm here if you need a shoulder.

Am I Attractive?

I recently (not so recently) read a post that my friend wrote on her blog about attractiveness and being single. Here it is, if you want to read it.

In her post, she talks about this article.

Basically (for all our tl;dr readers) each article addresses the subject of the relation between ugliness and singleness...as well as stipulating that ugliness is not only in the eye of the beholder, but is secondary to the beauty of your heart and spirit.

I have never thought of myself as ultra pretty or "drop dead gorgeous." I also don't think I fall into the camp of "ugly." I would like to think that I am mildly attractive by the world's standards. Of course I bet if I lost some weight, that would increase, but I think I look the same regardless. I make sure that I am washed and presentable and that I wear clothing that looks good on me. I don't wear a ton of make-up, mostly because it takes up too much time... and I value things like sleep more than make-up.

BUT...why do these things matter? I mean, not to sound prideful or cocky, but I think I am pretty freaking awesome man. I am kind and helpful and charitable. I am funny and witty and sarcastic. I am smart and successful and know a lot of cool and useless things. I am creative and love to learn about anything/everything. So where do looks factor into life and my personal happiness? Let's take a look at a quote from the letter in the article above. The guy writes saying:

As a result of this, my faith and patience with the Lord have been tried. I keep telling myself He could have made me handsome, but He didn’t. Why? Why am I ugly and a lot of my close friends are attractive (and married, too). At this point in my life I have very little hope of ever being happy. I feel like what’s the point of being good? What’s the point of keeping the commandments? To what end? To what end?

I have had a lot of friends that have come to me regarding not being able to find happiness in their life because of >>insert excuse here<<. Stuff like: "I can't be happy because I am still single. I can't be happy because I am buried in debt. I can't be happy because I can't find a job"...and the list goes on and on. Here's exactly what I tell each of these people:

Happiness is something you have to find within yourself.

If you aren't happy now, gaining something won't make you magically happy. Being happy is a choice. You have to make it everyday. I know that there are some extenuating factors that contribute to happiness that people can't control--like depression, PTSD, abuse etc--but on the whole, we are in control of our own happiness. And whether we can attain that by natural means, or even through medication, exercise, yoga... whatever... it's up to each of us to find happiness within ourselves and within this moment now.

Each person in this life is beautiful and unique and wonderful in their own way. I truly believe that it is our purpose in this life to find out what sets us apart and to utilize that to help other people along this crazy journey of life.

Does life always work out in our favor??? No. Do we get lost along the way sometimes? Yes. But you are WORTH everything. You are wonderful and beautiful and smart and pretty and useful and magnificent. Don't let anyone tell you different... especially yourself. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees... meaning that we are too close to things to see the big picture. Too close to our pain. Too close to the rejection. Too close to the bullying. We can't see that we mean something... and maybe even everything to someone else.

Am I attractive??? I guess that's in the eye of the beholder. But ask me if I care.