Potato Salad

I don't necessarily have anything important to say. I had an emotional breakdown last night. I've been overdue, so it was nice. I feel Extraordinarily tired today... probably due to the fact that I was in hysterics and had to call my brother Adam to calm me down. Thanks Adam! I know I can always call you at 1 am here (9pm there) when I'm having emotional turmoil. :)

I decided that I really will need some sort of way to weed out bad future husband 'potentials.' Like a survey or something like a 'pop quiz.' The reason being that I don't want some guy that will say something similar to:

"Well, I didn't really think they meant eternity... did you?"
"This is just getting too hard."
"If you don't stay home with the kids, it's over."
or my favorite:
"I think 20 years is good enough... and I don't love you anymore."

These are all actual things people who are close to me have been told by their spouse in the past 2 years. If you think about it, marriage really is a lot like Russian roulette now days. How are you supposed to know that whoever you're marrying won't turn out to be a jerk? That they won't decide one day that marriage is just too hard, and they want out?

Marriage is supposed to be hard sometimes. If you don't struggle with someone, how can you expect to stay together? Life isn't easy. It never will be, and when you're married, you have to deal with a lot of crap. Don't people understand that out of adversity comes understanding? Heavenly Father KNOWS what we are capable of, but how will we know unless we are pushed to the limit?

I guess I'm becoming jaded to the concept of marriage.

I was reading this blog, and I really do agree with her. I'm tired of what my friend Susi calls the "Peter Pan" Syndrome. Guys (It seems especially here in St. George) just don't want to 'grow up'. They think marriage is something amounting to them slacking off for the rest of their lives, and the women clean up after them, cook their meals, and make babies.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy to have my own family, and I love cooking, but marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Since when has it become the 'standard' that women stay at home and men go "bring home the bacon"? I think that's why I love my family so much. My older brother is a stay at home dad. He is pursuing his career, but his wife has the steady job. AND my oldest brother is always encouraging his wife to pursue her career and be the best she can be. What up guys?

I guess I'm mostly irritated at the fact that guys here are looking for a "Stepford Wife" or as Susi calls it, the potato salad. You know... when you're at a bbq, you always try the potato salad. It's the same with some girls. They get all the attention, and the other side dishes are overlooked. (I know I'm referring to women as food, which seems counter productive... but we all know that Mormons Like Analogies.) But, like I said to Susi the other night. I don't want to be the potato salad. I want a man to love me for who I am... not what I look like. AND, If you find someone that likes (for instance) rice, they will eat rice for every meal for the rest of their lives. You can only eat so much potato salad...

A note from me to all you 'Peter Pans' out there. Stop being intimidated by strong, educated women. We're AWESOME!!! Funny, interesting, thought provoking, and I'd like to think, way good looking. (I'm referring to myself... ;) )

meh. I have my whole life ahead of me.

Fixing my face

SO, a lot of you know that I have 3 brothers.

I was chatting today with the youngest, Sean. We were basically complaining to each other... him about the costs of education, me about life in general...

Anyway, at the end of the conversation, he told me to 'Fix my face.' Some of you may not know my family, but we are straight up with each other when something is bothering us, when we're being too emotional or WHATEVER. 'Fix your face' is something we say to each other as a way to express: "You are being entirely too critical and emotional. You need to readjust your attitude and stop complaining. Thank you for your cooperation."

So, I'm blogging to fix my face.

I don't know why I am emotional. I don't know why I've been whining. It's not like me to complain all the time. I've never been one to be envious, etc. Why is it that when I come to the mainland, all I can do is complain? I should be GRATEFUL!!!

I Love my life. I have good friends, an awesome place to live, a great job, a fantastic family... I should be shouting from the rooftops about how amazing this life is. I'm a lot better off than a lot of other people...

I'm going to stop complaining.

Face = Fixed. :)

La Officina

Hey everyone!!! I wanted to post pictures of my office... which is where I do a lot of my blogging... and everything else! :)



So yeah. That's about it right now. I'm thinking about moving sometime in a year or so. We'll see how that works out. Oh, and I'm going to our second 'girls night out' tonight. Apparently we (meaning me, my roommate and her sisters, their friends, and my friends) are supposed to do it every month. :) I'm really glad to get out with my roommate. I feel like I am the worst roommate ever. I'm never home, EVER... huh. Laters...

It's your birthday.

Hey everyone!

A few things. I've been watching all the past episodes of The Office that I've missed. I stopped watching, because Michael Scott's character just got to be too tragic to make it fun to watch. However, the two newest episodes are pretty funny. I don't want to ruin it for anyone... so SPOILER ALERT!!!

In the past two episodes, Michael is out of the office on a lecture series, so Jim and Dwight are in charge in Scranton. They forget Kelly's birthday, and have to make up for it, which includes brown and gray balloons, a sign that says:"It's your birthday.", and a birthday cake that has no name on it. I won't go into it anymore, but a lot of times, I've felt like Kelly in those episodes. Not only about birthdays, but you get the idea. ;)

I also watched He's Just Not That Into You. Great movie. Surprisingly. It looked like it wasn't really going to be good, but it was done VERY well, and needless to say, I had a lot of revelations. Like: A guy isn't into you if they aren't 'making things happen.' Well, DUH!!! But, women really do have a HORRIBLE habit of making things more dramatic than they need to be. So what? He's not the one. Get over it and move on. I've always told my friends that if he's the right guy, everything will work out. That doesn't mean that you won't have to work for it, or make things happen, because relationships are work. However, things will be a lot easier. Take it from me. I've had a lot of one-sided relationships, and it works better if BOTH of you know what you want, and how you want to achieve it. Communication is always key to a good relationship. It doesn't ease the heartache when someone really hurts you, but don't make undue drama, just because he's hott. There are plenty of fish in the sea. :)

Valentines Day is tomorrow, and I just wanted to talk a little about how the holidays are treating me in all my single glory. A lot of girls will probably say how much they hate this time of year because of all the 'Love in the Air.' Some of us feel like we have gas masks on-- making us unable to breathe in this so called 'Love.' lol. BUT, holidays aren't really that bad this time around. I've realized that even though I'm not 'taken' being single isn't that bad. I have friends that I can spend time with, and a family that loves me. Why focus on the negative when so much positive is there??? :)

Tonight's agenda includea karaoke at my favorite spot and possibly a dance. :) Good times had by all!!!

I'm SICK!!! :(

So, I'm sick. It's funny how I can go YEARS without getting sick, and then BLAMO! I get hit twice in the past 3 months. :( I hate being sick.

Lately I've been trying to save money by cooking more often at home. Something I've come to LOVE is my brother Josh's recipe for Mabo Tofu. :) It's a Japanese dish with beef, miso, onions and tofu that is TO DIE for!!! I've included a picture of my version, which I have made 2 times already! Delicious!


I'm glad for this time to just kick back and explore the things I've always wanted to do, like cooking, camping, graphic art, budgeting, going house shopping (not that I'm in the market...), and traveling. I'm grateful for the time to get to learn about all these things (and more) and just figure them out. Especially traveling. I'm planning to do a lot more traveling this year. I think it's all due to not only my 'single status' but also just breaking free from my debts. Thanks budgeting!!! You're the best!!!

So, I'm afraid of the dark. Not many people know that about me, but I go out of my way to NOT be alone when the lights go out. I just found out that one of my cousins is also TERRIFIED of the dark. I'm not that bad... I think for me it's the unknown that scares me. Just a note of other things I'm afraid of: clowns, spiders, being alone, heights, commitment, failure... i think that's it. It's a life goal of mine to confront my fears, and overcome them. Or at least try to. I think the hardest one for me will be spiders. I literally FREAK OUT when I see one. Childhood trauma. lol

So, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!! lol. Sorry, I forgot to wish everyone a Happy Chinese New Year. It's the year of the bull, and supposedly its supposed to be a good year for those born under the Rat sign (like me). I don't usually go for any of that kind of stuff, but it's fun to read. :)

I think I'll start posting recipes that go well on this page. Oh, and if you ever want to know more about the eating situation here in St. George, check out my food critic blog I've made with my trusty side-kick, Susi: www.eatinginstgeorge.blogspot.com. :)

Good times

I think its about time to write a blog about my family.

My family is EXTREMELY awesome. Some would say borderline amazing... but awesome is a better word for us. We were raised by both parents, and they are still going strong after... wow. 30 years this March.

Growing up was an adventure for me, because I had two older brothers, and a younger brother. I was a VERY obstinate child. Everything had to be done MY way, or I wasn't going to be involved. Funny enough it it still sort of that way, but people do it my way now, because I usually do it the easiest and most fun way possible. lol.

Anyway, back to history, my oldest brother was always trying to get me to do things his way, which needless to say, made for a lot of fighting, and we do FIGHT a lot. Well, I guess I should rephrase that. We USED to fight a lot. Now that we're older its more like bickering. lol. But we are a loud, fighting, bickering family, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I really believe in the old adage that 'You don't truly know someone until you fight them.' Truer words have never been spoken. On to the family.

My dad is a hard working upstanding guy. He has been an electrician most of his life, and has done very well for himself in the way of his career. He is caring and funny, and works hard for his family. When I think of my dad I think of a big bear. He can be grouchy at times, but underneath it all he is a soft and cuddly guy. :) He doesn't sugarcoat things, which I'm grateful for, because I can always depend on him to tell me the truth. Sometimes, its a harder truth than I'm willing to take, but I love him anyway. :) He taught me to sing, to perform, to strive to be the best, and to forgive. I am nothing without my dad, and I am a daddy's girl to the core.

My mom is one of the smartest people I know. Especially when it comes to church related stuff. If I ever have a question about anything, I go to her because she is so amazingly smart. I think of she went on Jeopardy, she would win BIG MONEY. Seriously. :) She is the center of the family, and keeps us on speaking terms. ;) She is a great cook, baker, money management person, etc. What can I say about my mom other than she is the woman I aspire to be??? I can't imagine anyone that could be a better mother and friend to me. She knows me inside and out. And even though we don't get along sometimes (have you ever heard of too many hens in the hen house? lol) I know that she is always there for me. When I think of my mom, I think of an owl, because she is wise. :)

My oldEST brother, Adam. Adam is almost just like my dad. he's easy going and smart. He has made a lot of sacrifices for me and my brothers, and I'm eternally grateful to him. If I had to describe him as an animal, he would be a panda. Super chill, and just a great guy to hang out with. He has a great personality. :) I know he and I have taken our lumps, but I think we are the most alike. He always supports me and pushes me to be better than I am. BUT he understands when I take a fall, and helps to lift me up.

My oldER brother Josh is the most different personality wise from all of us. I say that because he has always gone his own way. He forged his way through life, and, I think, has come out on top. Josh is a really sensitive guy. That sensitivity, however, makes him really adept at music. I think music is the best way to relate to him, because he is the perfomer of the family. Everything he does, he excels at. AND if he doesn't get it, he works at it until he does. He is the epitome of the phrase 'practice makes perfect.' He is a perfectionist. When I think of Josh, I think of an elephant. He not only is strong and smart, but he does his own thing, and doesn't let anything get in his way.

ME. Wow, Karyn... you're putting yourself in??? lol. Yes. Only because I want you to see how I fit in. I call myself the black sheep of the family. I'm the only girl, and I am often the most rebellious. I think if my parents knew more about my life when I was younger, they would have put some restraints on me instead of focusing on the boys, but they didn't. I'm the instigator of the family. I am also the one that likes to call the shots. :) My dad told me once that I'm the artist of the family, and I think he's right. I am a VERY free spirit. I don't know what animal I would be. Maybe a black sheep? lol. Just kidding. Maybe a cat. I do my own thing and don't obey well. he he... IDK, ask my family. I'm sure they can tell you.

And last but not least, Sean. The baby. :) I think I'm the closest to Sean in the way that I helped raise him. Sean is the peacemaker of the family, and as he's grown up has become the coolest person ever. :) He's really chill and likes to kick back. He is also a dedicated and hardworking guy. (lol. all my brothers are) When I think of Sean, I think of a dog. He's loyal, kind, obedient, friendly, cheerful, smart, and everyone loves him. He is really paitent and always know what to say to make me laugh. He's one of my heores and I look up to him. (not only because he's taller than me, but because he's AWESOME!)

I love my family. We can all sing (thanks to my dad) and when we get together, we sing. I think that's what I miss the most. Just sitting with them and singing. Even though I'm here in Utah by myself, I know that I can go back to Hawaii anytime and they'll be there for me.

One of my favorite memories of my family was the last Christmas we spent together. My mom worked so hard to make everyone happy, and we just cruised together and had fun together. Gosh. I miss my family!!!

Tired? What?!

Hello all.

Another year has arrived and I find myself wandering aimlessly in the morass that is my life. Some of you may say, what? Why? I thought you had everything worked out... Well, I did. (at one point) However, things have not gone the way that I tried to plan it to. I'm not upset about it, but I get 'cabin fever' easily. I have a hard time committing to... anything, and I get really antsy if I'm in a situation for longer than 2 years. I can hear the puzzled reponse of why formulating in your mind. The simple answer is: I don't know.

I have always been afraid to commit to things. Anything. A lease, a boyfriend, a roommate, school, jobs, marriage, you name it, I can't commit to it. I even make it a point to not commit to things that I'm involved with unless its COMPLETELY planned out to the minute, and I know exactly what my part is, and when I have to play it. Don't believe me? Ask Susi. She can tell you. I probably drive her up the wall with all the planning I make her do. However, my obsessive compulsive behaviors literally guide me to NOT commit to something unless I can gain control over it with order. Everything needs order. I know I sound crazy right now, but I solidly believe that unless order is achieved, the product of whatever you are organizing will not be successfully received. Confused yet??? Let me try to clear it up for you. I got roped into doing a lu'au/ho'olaule'a here in St. George. (a ho'olaule'a is a block party type event). It's organized under the name, Makahiki in St. George. Check it out. Anyway, so we were having to do this, right? However, because I work at the St. George Chamber, getting sponsors, or basically selling anything through the makahiki would be a conflict of interest. So, I have basically done nothing with it. There is so much to plan, and I feel like nothing has been organized at all. Because I can't see past the unorganized parts of the event, I won't go forward with planning until they get worked out. That is the CRAZY way my brain works.

I think that's the up and down with this job right now. I have a structured regimented schedule, and I try to keep to it as much as possible. However, I am also an artist at heart, so I like to have my freedom to do what I will with my designing and everything else I do. So, whenever I get tired of my regime, I can go to the artisic stuff, and when I hit a mental block with the artistic stuff, I can go to the scheduled parts until something hits me. The only thing that sucks is when I feel totally drained but I HAVE to make something up. eh. I'm done with this.

I've been really irrate lately. I think its because I'm stressed out about this event coming up. I feel like everyone expects me to bend my publication deadlines because they can't stay on top of things, but I've decided that I don't care whether or not things are accurate anymore because I can't wait any longer. WHICH stresses me out because it wont be PERFECT. ugh.

I'm tired. Oh. which reminds me. Susi and I are starting a hula class. We'll see how it goes.

Wow

So, the Christmas Season is in full swing, and I'm singing along with every Christmas song I hear.


Luckily I like Christmas. Otherwise I may be annoyed with the perpetual cheeriness and goodwill that people develop and lose within the 5 week period known to most as the 'Holiday Season.' I stumbled upon this video. Check it out. I feel this way sometimes... but only when forced to join the throngs of panicked shoppers, fighting over tickle me elmo and fairy princess barbie.


I've been really sick for the past week. And, I've decided that I hate being sick more than I hate stupid drivers. Sure, you get days off of work and you get to eat soup and toast whenever you want to, but is it really worth the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy-head, and fever? I say no to this. NO! lol... sorry. I really am tired of being sick. I get sick only once or twice a year, though, so I should be grateful. I'll just will myself to get better.




I'm pretty excited for next. week. At work we do a Wassail day. Where we invite our members to come and drink wassail and eat gingerbread cookies. :) I'm super excited because gingerbread cookies are ny number 4 favorite cookie... Esp if they are soft and DELICIOUS! Oh, My number 1-3 cookies are: #1. Karyn's Amazing Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter Chip Peanut Butter Cookies, #2. My mom's coconut oatmeal rasin cookies, and #3. Aunty Sandy's molasses cookies. Good times. :)

This holiday season is looking like it will be a lot of driving and a lot of money. :S Oh well. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for your family. :) lol. Even if it is a $25 tank of gas and a couple of presents. ;) Happy Holidays!

Christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

Wow. I find myself today in especially good spirits. :) So, Merry Christmas!!! :D

I have good news and bad news. Let's start with the bad news. I got home from Hawai'i AAAANNNNNDDD... my cell phone broke. :( I was like... what the CRAP?! I was worried that I would have to pay for whatever repairs that had to be done. I would usually NOT worry about that, but I just got back from vacation, and well... you know how that goes. lol... anyways, so I FINALLY went to the cell phone store, and it was diagnosed... intermittent charge deficiency which is caused by a faulty charging port. It would have been alright, but they don't sell mymodel of phone at the Verizon store here in St. George... SOOOO, they couldn't save any of my information or videos or pictures, etc. This is particularly sad for me because I just got back from Hawaii, where my family is. I took a lot of pictures, videos, etc. ANYWAYS... this brings us to the good news:

I got a new phone!!! Hazahhh!

I need to get numbers for everyone... so If you want to email it to me, go for it! :)

This is the season... beloved of the year. Sing a rhyme, Christmas time soon will be here! lol. I really like Christmas a lot. Not as much as Thanksgiving, but it's only by a fraction. Christmas is the time that I get to show people that I was not only paying attention to them, BUT that I care enough to get them something. WHICH is why I hardly ever get people things or send them stuff if I'm not in close proximity. It's not that I don't love the people far away from me emotionally or physically, it's just that I can't think of what I could send you that would make sense without going back to times that aren't relevant for your life today. lol. is that enough of a 'cop out' or what? lol

anyways, i'm excited for christmas. its always a good time to be around family and friends.

Utah

So, I've decided that Utah isn't too bad. I actually like cold weather a lot, so it works out. :) The thing I DON'T like is the 100+ degree weather during the summer.

I've been trying to decide on what I want to give people for Christmas. I usually like to do little sentimentally funny things that people can look at and smile about. However, this year my SUPER AWESOME friend Susi is giving me an awesome gift that I'll be able to share with everyone. So looks like it'll be that... well, at least for family and a select few friends. Everyone else will have to be content with the AMAZING Christmas cards I got in Hawaii. :)

Overall, I feel like it's still too early for Christmas. This year has gone by so quickly. It seems like summer was just yesterday! :S Where has all the time gone? Did you know next year I'll be 25?! That's a quarter of a century people! Isn't that weird to think about? I don't feel like I'm almost 25... I sort of feel like I'm 20-ish.

So, for Christmas this year I want to just chill out and relax. Even though this year has gone by SUPER fast, it was really busy. I'm glad it's coming to an end. I feel bad for Susi because she'll be working through the break. That's what you get for being an over achiever (that's right Sus! I said it!) lol... oh... just fyi, I am NOT getting married, but I found the most AMAZING wedding dress. I totally LOVE the style...

I also found this dress... doesn't the model look like Tia or Tamera Mowry?



Lol... anyways, hope all is well with all of you!

In Hawaii

So, I am currently in Hawai'i Nei... It is SUPER nice to be able to be near family... and to see my brothers and parents again. :) I guess you don't really know how much you miss home until you've been away, and get to see it again! :)

Even though my whole family is now majorly located on O'ahu... (I am originally from Big Island) I think it's mostly just the general 'feel' of the Islands that makes me feel at home. If I went back to Big Island, I think it would have been a more emotional homecoming for me, but being here is surreal. I never feel fully 'in reality' when I'm on any of the other islands. Is that weird?

So, my friend Susi FINALLY has begun a blog. She really is a great writer, so go read it! :) (susibell.blogspot.com) 

Tonight we're going to Twilight. I hope it's good. I REALLY disliked the 4th book. Which made me never want to read them again. SOOOO, we'll see how I like it. I have no preconcieved notions, so it won't be a disappointment like Eragon. Seriously, Chris... you should have been more aware of the movie and it's progression. :S

Okay, I have to go make dinner... I'll blog more later! ALOHAS!

could i POST more tags???

Wow!!! Lol... I noticed that the last 3 posts I've done have been tags. ;) Lol. I guess I should give you a little more than that. So, life lately. It’s been... like ketchup in a bottle... coming in dollops. At first it seems slow, but then a whole bunch of time passes in what seems like the blink of an eye. I've recently tried to be more social... stepping outside the realm of my one 'best' friend Susi (with whom I spend most of my time...) and testing the friendship waters around me. I’ve found something strange about the people here in St. George... even though I am Karyn... I’m seen here as Susi's friend. I’m not upset or surprised by this... Susi is a very popular person here for good reason, but I feel like the friendships I have tried to formulate here are basically built upon the fact that they know Susi and are therefore humoring me with friendship. Maybe that’s just the paranoid, untrusting, skeptical side of me coming out, but a lot of the time it DOES feel like that.

I have, however, found a little pod of friends with whom I’ve attached myself to. The only problem is that they are all leaving in 4 days to go on missions. BTW, if any of you read this, I’m going to miss you like crazy!!!

So now the question: what will I decide to do with my life? Friendwise, I know that spending all my time with Susi and her family is a no. Not only do they need their privacy, Susi and I are are COMPLETELY opposite in basically everything.

I guess I’m just tired of being an afterthought for people. I want to be like the Karyn most of you know and love. :)

ps- I had the funnest time last night at a spooky movie marathon I went to last night. We watched Poltergeist, I Am Legend, and 1408... I’ve decided that scary movies, while disturbing, are overrated... we also got to have a jam session. It was rad, and my friend Wyatt graced me with his impressive musical 'skillz'. His music is awesome. I told him he needs to get a cd out. I could totally be his pr manager. ;)

Hmm... maybe that’s what I should be shooting for... pr or something similar. I think I could be good in a job like that. Hmm... maybe life will steer me in that direction.

Book Tags...

Well, I've chosen to be tagged by my friend Latu... This tag looked so awesome, I had to do it...

Rules: Get the book that's on your nightstand (or whatever you happen to be reading).Open it to page 56 and find the 5th sentence. Post the next couple of sentences on your blog, along with these instructions. Do not go and find your favorite book; it has to be the one you are reading now! Tag five other people to do the same.

The Book:

I am currently re-reading Sabriel by Garth Nix. SUCH A GREAT BOOK... Seriously. I recently lent the series to my roommate, and it inspired me to read them again. I've never read books quite like Mr. Nix's Abhorsen Trilogy. It does deal with death... (read the quote below) however, I feel like I've been around death a lot in my life, and stuff like that doesn't bother me as much as it used to. It's not morbid or gross by any means, but just SUPER interesting and well written.

~~-~~-~~-~~-~~-~~-~~-~~-~~

The Quote:

"I have a daughter almost your age," he said quietly. "Back in Corvere, with my wife. I would not let her cross into the Old Kingdom."
Sabriel met his gaze, and her eyes were not the uncertain, flickering beacons of adolescence.
"I am only eighteen years old on the outside," she said, touching her palm against her breast with an almost wistful motion. "But I first walked in Death when I was twelve."

~~-~~-~~-~~-~~-~~-~~-~~-~~

Seriously, and amazing read. Pick it up!!!

I tag: Anyone who ventures to read this blog.

love

Okay... I know I’m probably just an emotional mess right now, but I feel the need to talk about love...

I know... LOVE. How lame... pathetic... and whatever... it’s my blog, so I'll write what I want to! :)

I’ve fallen in love with 3 guys in my lifetime. The first was a high school thing... sort of stupid and immature... I think I was more in love with the idea of him rather than HIM. I’m not even sure that qualifies as love... maybe just infatuation. Yeah. Well, it ended badly in any case. He ended up being a jerk off that wouldn't get over it, and I feel like I’m somehow still suffering repercussions (sp?) for his immaturity. I told him I liked him like... twice I think... and he freaked out. He told me he didn’t like me like that, and I was done... but for some reason, he thought I was obsessed... I guess it all comes down to high school boys being insufferably over confident, and my tendency to know exactly what I want and going for it with abandon.

Number two was a firefighter from Australia. He was hott and older, and I was a year past high school graduation, and rebellious. I met him at a bar… he walked me down the street and back, and we talked. He was in town for a week, and we spent the rest of the week together. We kept it alive with phone calls and emails. He was sweet, sensitive, and surprisingly intuitive. It all happened in a 6 month span. He took more time off that he should have, and came to Hawaii. I was naïve and thought I could accept his flaws and live with myself for making stupid decisions. We were engaged… and he was mad that I didn’t tell my parents that I wanted to marry a tattooed, smoking, drinking fireman from Aussie land. It also ended badly. Lol… I probably should have been nicer about it, but I realized I wanted more.

Lastly there was … I’ll call him Jim. Jim and I immediately clicked together. All it was was me walking into a room, and he and I were electric. I spent every waking moment with him. It was a dream… and it was… amazing. He was everything I wanted… everything I needed. If I was fire, he was water… we were so alike and so different. I don’t know exactly why things turned out the way it did… Jim was always a mystery to me. Whenever I thought I knew how to figure him out, he would shift, change, plunge me back into the dark. I think Jim and I would have been exactly like that… water and fire. Him always playing cool… smooth. Me being the fire... I am really a spitfire… ;) Maybe he knew that we couldn’t/wouldn’t work out. I caught him with another girl. I never understood why… I tried to escape him. He made me go to his wedding. Another girl. He still calls me too… Why can’t guys just leave well enough alone?

I’m sitting in my office at work right now. I can feel how cold it is outside, but I don’t really want to put my jacket on. Typing is relieving the stress of the emotional onslaught that just happened… I was reading a story my friend wrote… the first or second draft actually. It was fantastically poignant and lovely… It's about two friends (Ben and Alice) that ended up together. I hate to think it, but I don’t know if I’ll ever have that kind of love. It seems like every ‘relationship’ (however loosely applied) I’ve had turns out badly. I’ve had guys tell me that I have unrealistic expectations… that I’m distant, that I’m clingy, that I’m too NICE (how can someone be too nice?) that I care too much.

What is love if you can’t express the emotions that are inside of you? I’ve had boyfriends that have gotten married TWO weeks after I broke up with them? Is something wrong with me? Am I somehow unmarriable? (is that a word? … oh well…) I know that things with the ‘loves of my life’ have turned out for the better… but what about me??? Every one of them is now married… and I’m still single. What does that mean? Or does it mean nothing? Will I get what I want in the end? The companionship and electricity? The priesthood and the attraction? When it comes for me will I know it, or will I miss it?

Love is such a strange emotion. There is nothing else that can dually hurt and heal… But when it really happens will it hurt?

Politics & more...

Hey everyone!!!

How have you all been???

Well... let me start with the fact that I'm a little disappointed in women in general. Why can't we see what we're WORTH??? Life is too short to second guess yourself. YOU are a SPECIAL, BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL person and YOU DESERVE THE BEST in life. I don't care who you are... you do. NEVER let anyone tell you differently.

This world seems to be here to tell us we aren't good enough. You're not pretty enough. You aren't rich enough. It IS NOT true! You are unique. You have a purpose! You are beautiful!

Whatever you do, DON'T LISTEN TO THE WORLD. It will never be enough if you give in to the media and social pressures. It will never stop unless you CHOOSE to make it stop. You can be your OWN person. Take back your life and LIVE it for yourself! Live it for your family! Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life. Live it the best way you can. Don't listen to people or the judgments they have for you. It doesn't matter what they think. Just do your best. That’s all anyone can ask of you or that you can ask of yourself.

Why can't women get along??? Why do we constantly have to backstab each other and be conniving? Why can’t we lift each other up and come together with mutual respect for each other? Aren’t you tired of constantly trying to ‘one up’ the other? Isn’t it time to just LOVE one another??? You don’t have to bring the people around you down. LIFT THEM UP!!! Have respect for who they are and what they’ve achieved!

Everyone in the world is dealt a different hand. We all have different trials to go through… different circumstances. We should be able to go to each other for help and support without the worry that it will be rubbed in our face.

I’m so tired of fighting against the current. If I want to date a guy, don’t try to steal him away. If I try to become successful, don’t sabotage me.

Okay… vent over.

I work at the Chamber of Commerce here, and we have a luncheon each Wednesday. Today, we had a political forum for candidates running for office this year. I was amazed at the ‘mudslinging’ that occurred. That’s something I truly detest about politics. If you want my vote, don’t tell me how bad the other guy is. Tell me how awesome you are and why I should vote for you.

Eh… I’m so done with all the politics in the air. I feel like it’s suffocating me.

I’m outtie…

Sweet!

Whats up y'all???

Well, I've had the weirdest weekend... it's been really... I don't know what it's been like actually. I don't know if it was weird or not... just revealing I guess. Sorry. I'm really confused still. I found out that I have EXTREMELY high blood pressure... which explains a lot. I need to take care of myself better. I thought I would be immune to all of my families genetic ailments. Apparently I'm not. I just wish I was more motivated to be better, to take care of myself better... to become more healthy and do it willingly.

I have also been trying to stay away from the 'marriage pity party' that has been going around. Apparently a lot of people are thinking they will never be able to get married. I'm not ready for marriage right now. I've always had VERY strict rules about when and where and who and why i would get married. Not really rules... I guess a better description would be wants. things i want to accomplish before i get married. A few of them are: pay off all my debts, be financially stable, maybe go on a mission, etc. This is stuff I want to do because I think that it's unfair to marry someone and make them take on your financial status... esp if its not good. I am a VERY independent person, so I would like to be able to support not only myself, but my family as well. I know that sounds unrealistic, but coming from a family where a lot of times we were near poverty, I hate to think that I wouldn't be able to afford baby milk or diapers, etc.

I watched General Conference this weekend and was EXTREMELY impressed with what the church leaders spoke about. I really liked Uchtdorf, Wirthin, and Monson's talks. They were AWESOME!

I cant wait to go to Hawai'i. One of these days I'll move back, but for now I'm doing the best I can with what I have.

TAG!

I am: ready to go to Hawai'i!!!
I think: life is too short to have to worry about health
I know: i need to take better care of myself
I am: working... as usual.
I want: to become the person i should...
I have: enough for now.
I dislike: stupidity.
I miss: my real friends
I fear: spiders, the dark, and losing my family
I feel: relaxed
I hear: the usual goings on in the office...
I smell: delicious
I crave: lobster and/or sushi
I cry: when i miss my fam-bam.
I search: for peace and forgiveness
I wonder: whats in store for the future
I regret: being too timid
I wish: i had an awesome car
I love: HAWAII! :)
I care: about what matters
I always: am down for a party!
I worry: that i'll never find out what i want in life
I am not: in the mood to put up with peoples crap today...
I remember: the good times
I believe: in the goodness of people
I sing: all day long usually...
I don’t: get why people don't think they have to play by the rules
I argue: when i know im right
I write: short stories and poetry
I win: when i focus on what i REALLY want
I lose: myself in the crowd sometimes
I listen: to anyone who needs to just talk
I don’t understand: people who don't have common sense or courtesy
I can usually be found: zoning out in my own world...
I need: motivation
I forget: everything
I am happy: most of the time :)

Provo

Hello Everyone!!!
Sorry it's been so long... I have been INSANELY busy...
So, this past weekend I went up to Provo to visit with my cousins. It's always nice to see them. They're crazy and loud and sometimes obnoxious, but I love them. I get up there Thursday, and came back Sunday.
A couple of things I noticed about Utahns...

#1 They all SUCK at driving. I don't know what it is, but something makes people here think that it's okay to be a jerk off whilst driving. Case and point: Someone decided to do a U-turn in the right hand lane. Idiot.

#2 All the girls tend to look alike. Clothes, hair styles, make-up... they're like clones. blonde scary clones.

#3 Utah really IS beautiful! I never really noticed it until this trip. I was in awe of how beautiful it is. Everywhere I looked was lika a painting waiting to happen. I drove by the Manit Temple, and had to do a double take because it looked so much like it wasn't real.

It really was a beautiful drive. I was sad that I didn't think to bring a camera with me. While up north, I went to Salt Lake on Friday and Saturday. Friday I got to go to the Clark Planetarium. The last time I was at the planetarium was when it was still called the Hansen Planetarium, and I was in 5th grade. I have to say that I was extremely impressed. We got to watch a 3-D Imax movie... my first... and It was AMAZING. I also got to go to my favorite food joint: Grove Market Deli. If you like sandwiches, Grove's is the place for you. I highly recommend the Deluxe and the Meatball... but everything is GREAT. We also went to IKEA... I love it. Well, I love the stuff I got. I think its irritating that you can't just walk in and find what you want. you have to go through the displays...

Saturday I went to a ward activity with my cousin Leo, who has recently been called to Relief Society President. It was sort of lame, but Leo's housemate, Azul and I played this awesome game where we named all the people and gave them super powers. I think the best ones I did were Paco- the hulk, and I forgot the name, but his power was that he turned into a woman every other Thursday and Friday. Afterwards, we went to the General Relief Society Meeting. It was AWESOME! I've never been to the Conference Center before, and I was amazed at how big it was. The speakers were fantastic... but the best part for me was the fact that Sister Merilee Webb was the choir director. If you don't know Sister Webb, you're in for a treat. She was my choir teacher in college, and she taught me so much. I was overflowing with the love and respect I have for her. She's the person who (by example and just sharing her special personality and spirit with me) basically pulled me out of my rebellious stage. She was the person to show me that I can be a righteous, spiritually minded woman and still retain who I am. I was totally happy to see her. After the GRSM, we went to this cool restaurant called the One World Cafe. Its a restaurant that has the most amazing concept behind it. Here's the link for their website. Check it out!!! http://www.oneworldeverybodyeats.com/

Sunday, I drove down to Spring City to see my other cousin, Mindy and her family. Again, I wa struck by the beauty of this state. I think a lot of people take it for granted.

All in all, it was a great trip. Thanks Leo and Mindy for being the awesomest cousins ever!!!

and the wheels go round and round...

HELLO!!!

Sorry, I know I've been lame in keeping up with this... but I have been WAY busy.

I know... I can here all 3 of you sigh in exasperation.

SORRY!!! :)

Anywho... life has been... crazy lately. my parents moved back to hawaii... and i decided to stay in utah. its cool. i miss my family like CRAZY but im glad to have some independence.

other than that, work has been getting more and more hectic. i work here at the chamber of commerce, and let me tell you, it stressful. I do ALL of the publications here... so basically i do all the graphic designing. its SUPER crazy... BUT its redeeming quality is that its WAY fun, i meet a lot of people, AND i work with awesome peeps... well, most of them are awesome. we do a lot of events and such and its been a lot of late hours and endless design crap lately. i almost feel like im losing all of my creativity sometimes. like everything i make looks the same. :( no worries... after june i'll be living life on easy street for a couple of weeks.

an den...

okay,

so im working right now... but im EXTREMELY tired and irritated, and im not geting anything done... SO i decided to blog.

life has been really complicated lately. i recieved news about things that has changed my life DRAMATICALLY yet again... i feel like in in an emotional upheaval lately, and theres nothing really i can do about it because i CHOSE to be here. I wish there were a way for me to be here to help and still be able to LIVE... but apparently there isnt...
i went on a date last thurs, and i realized that im MUCH more mature than guys my age... they tend to play stupid games, and i dont really dig it. i also ate a portabelo mushroom hamburger today from carls jr... and it was SO delicious... lol... settlers of catan is an addicting game! even though i SUCK royally, its really fun.

im off for the last week of the month, and i think im going to vegas to look for a car. i have a SUPER old crown vic that im gonnah trade-in. so thats exciting. oh, and i found a singles ward to go to finally. its a really cool ward and theres lots of cool people in it. the city i live in doesnt have a singles ward, so its nice to finally have one to go to.

My 'cousin' sent this pic to me and it totally describes how im feeling. st george like sucks out your soul... i feel so... BLAH here. like im not my own person anymore... like they're turning me into another scary utah hair, oh my heck, cant drive, utah-n, clone. its disgusting. i was so glad to go back home! oh, i forgot to tell you that i went back to hawaii for a 2 1/2 week vacation. it was so awesome! it was really good to see my brothers and their kids. ill post the pics when i get them. :)

okay... i sufficiently slacked off today, so im gonnah go! take care! OMG! WMD?! lol