Potato Salad

I don't necessarily have anything important to say. I had an emotional breakdown last night. I've been overdue, so it was nice. I feel Extraordinarily tired today... probably due to the fact that I was in hysterics and had to call my brother Adam to calm me down. Thanks Adam! I know I can always call you at 1 am here (9pm there) when I'm having emotional turmoil. :)

I decided that I really will need some sort of way to weed out bad future husband 'potentials.' Like a survey or something like a 'pop quiz.' The reason being that I don't want some guy that will say something similar to:

"Well, I didn't really think they meant eternity... did you?"
"This is just getting too hard."
"If you don't stay home with the kids, it's over."
or my favorite:
"I think 20 years is good enough... and I don't love you anymore."

These are all actual things people who are close to me have been told by their spouse in the past 2 years. If you think about it, marriage really is a lot like Russian roulette now days. How are you supposed to know that whoever you're marrying won't turn out to be a jerk? That they won't decide one day that marriage is just too hard, and they want out?

Marriage is supposed to be hard sometimes. If you don't struggle with someone, how can you expect to stay together? Life isn't easy. It never will be, and when you're married, you have to deal with a lot of crap. Don't people understand that out of adversity comes understanding? Heavenly Father KNOWS what we are capable of, but how will we know unless we are pushed to the limit?

I guess I'm becoming jaded to the concept of marriage.

I was reading this blog, and I really do agree with her. I'm tired of what my friend Susi calls the "Peter Pan" Syndrome. Guys (It seems especially here in St. George) just don't want to 'grow up'. They think marriage is something amounting to them slacking off for the rest of their lives, and the women clean up after them, cook their meals, and make babies.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy to have my own family, and I love cooking, but marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Since when has it become the 'standard' that women stay at home and men go "bring home the bacon"? I think that's why I love my family so much. My older brother is a stay at home dad. He is pursuing his career, but his wife has the steady job. AND my oldest brother is always encouraging his wife to pursue her career and be the best she can be. What up guys?

I guess I'm mostly irritated at the fact that guys here are looking for a "Stepford Wife" or as Susi calls it, the potato salad. You know... when you're at a bbq, you always try the potato salad. It's the same with some girls. They get all the attention, and the other side dishes are overlooked. (I know I'm referring to women as food, which seems counter productive... but we all know that Mormons Like Analogies.) But, like I said to Susi the other night. I don't want to be the potato salad. I want a man to love me for who I am... not what I look like. AND, If you find someone that likes (for instance) rice, they will eat rice for every meal for the rest of their lives. You can only eat so much potato salad...

A note from me to all you 'Peter Pans' out there. Stop being intimidated by strong, educated women. We're AWESOME!!! Funny, interesting, thought provoking, and I'd like to think, way good looking. (I'm referring to myself... ;) )

meh. I have my whole life ahead of me.

It's your birthday.

Hey everyone!

A few things. I've been watching all the past episodes of The Office that I've missed. I stopped watching, because Michael Scott's character just got to be too tragic to make it fun to watch. However, the two newest episodes are pretty funny. I don't want to ruin it for anyone... so SPOILER ALERT!!!

In the past two episodes, Michael is out of the office on a lecture series, so Jim and Dwight are in charge in Scranton. They forget Kelly's birthday, and have to make up for it, which includes brown and gray balloons, a sign that says:"It's your birthday.", and a birthday cake that has no name on it. I won't go into it anymore, but a lot of times, I've felt like Kelly in those episodes. Not only about birthdays, but you get the idea. ;)

I also watched He's Just Not That Into You. Great movie. Surprisingly. It looked like it wasn't really going to be good, but it was done VERY well, and needless to say, I had a lot of revelations. Like: A guy isn't into you if they aren't 'making things happen.' Well, DUH!!! But, women really do have a HORRIBLE habit of making things more dramatic than they need to be. So what? He's not the one. Get over it and move on. I've always told my friends that if he's the right guy, everything will work out. That doesn't mean that you won't have to work for it, or make things happen, because relationships are work. However, things will be a lot easier. Take it from me. I've had a lot of one-sided relationships, and it works better if BOTH of you know what you want, and how you want to achieve it. Communication is always key to a good relationship. It doesn't ease the heartache when someone really hurts you, but don't make undue drama, just because he's hott. There are plenty of fish in the sea. :)

Valentines Day is tomorrow, and I just wanted to talk a little about how the holidays are treating me in all my single glory. A lot of girls will probably say how much they hate this time of year because of all the 'Love in the Air.' Some of us feel like we have gas masks on-- making us unable to breathe in this so called 'Love.' lol. BUT, holidays aren't really that bad this time around. I've realized that even though I'm not 'taken' being single isn't that bad. I have friends that I can spend time with, and a family that loves me. Why focus on the negative when so much positive is there??? :)

Tonight's agenda includea karaoke at my favorite spot and possibly a dance. :) Good times had by all!!!

love

Okay... I know I’m probably just an emotional mess right now, but I feel the need to talk about love...

I know... LOVE. How lame... pathetic... and whatever... it’s my blog, so I'll write what I want to! :)

I’ve fallen in love with 3 guys in my lifetime. The first was a high school thing... sort of stupid and immature... I think I was more in love with the idea of him rather than HIM. I’m not even sure that qualifies as love... maybe just infatuation. Yeah. Well, it ended badly in any case. He ended up being a jerk off that wouldn't get over it, and I feel like I’m somehow still suffering repercussions (sp?) for his immaturity. I told him I liked him like... twice I think... and he freaked out. He told me he didn’t like me like that, and I was done... but for some reason, he thought I was obsessed... I guess it all comes down to high school boys being insufferably over confident, and my tendency to know exactly what I want and going for it with abandon.

Number two was a firefighter from Australia. He was hott and older, and I was a year past high school graduation, and rebellious. I met him at a bar… he walked me down the street and back, and we talked. He was in town for a week, and we spent the rest of the week together. We kept it alive with phone calls and emails. He was sweet, sensitive, and surprisingly intuitive. It all happened in a 6 month span. He took more time off that he should have, and came to Hawaii. I was naïve and thought I could accept his flaws and live with myself for making stupid decisions. We were engaged… and he was mad that I didn’t tell my parents that I wanted to marry a tattooed, smoking, drinking fireman from Aussie land. It also ended badly. Lol… I probably should have been nicer about it, but I realized I wanted more.

Lastly there was … I’ll call him Jim. Jim and I immediately clicked together. All it was was me walking into a room, and he and I were electric. I spent every waking moment with him. It was a dream… and it was… amazing. He was everything I wanted… everything I needed. If I was fire, he was water… we were so alike and so different. I don’t know exactly why things turned out the way it did… Jim was always a mystery to me. Whenever I thought I knew how to figure him out, he would shift, change, plunge me back into the dark. I think Jim and I would have been exactly like that… water and fire. Him always playing cool… smooth. Me being the fire... I am really a spitfire… ;) Maybe he knew that we couldn’t/wouldn’t work out. I caught him with another girl. I never understood why… I tried to escape him. He made me go to his wedding. Another girl. He still calls me too… Why can’t guys just leave well enough alone?

I’m sitting in my office at work right now. I can feel how cold it is outside, but I don’t really want to put my jacket on. Typing is relieving the stress of the emotional onslaught that just happened… I was reading a story my friend wrote… the first or second draft actually. It was fantastically poignant and lovely… It's about two friends (Ben and Alice) that ended up together. I hate to think it, but I don’t know if I’ll ever have that kind of love. It seems like every ‘relationship’ (however loosely applied) I’ve had turns out badly. I’ve had guys tell me that I have unrealistic expectations… that I’m distant, that I’m clingy, that I’m too NICE (how can someone be too nice?) that I care too much.

What is love if you can’t express the emotions that are inside of you? I’ve had boyfriends that have gotten married TWO weeks after I broke up with them? Is something wrong with me? Am I somehow unmarriable? (is that a word? … oh well…) I know that things with the ‘loves of my life’ have turned out for the better… but what about me??? Every one of them is now married… and I’m still single. What does that mean? Or does it mean nothing? Will I get what I want in the end? The companionship and electricity? The priesthood and the attraction? When it comes for me will I know it, or will I miss it?

Love is such a strange emotion. There is nothing else that can dually hurt and heal… But when it really happens will it hurt?

Sweet!

Whats up y'all???

Well, I've had the weirdest weekend... it's been really... I don't know what it's been like actually. I don't know if it was weird or not... just revealing I guess. Sorry. I'm really confused still. I found out that I have EXTREMELY high blood pressure... which explains a lot. I need to take care of myself better. I thought I would be immune to all of my families genetic ailments. Apparently I'm not. I just wish I was more motivated to be better, to take care of myself better... to become more healthy and do it willingly.

I have also been trying to stay away from the 'marriage pity party' that has been going around. Apparently a lot of people are thinking they will never be able to get married. I'm not ready for marriage right now. I've always had VERY strict rules about when and where and who and why i would get married. Not really rules... I guess a better description would be wants. things i want to accomplish before i get married. A few of them are: pay off all my debts, be financially stable, maybe go on a mission, etc. This is stuff I want to do because I think that it's unfair to marry someone and make them take on your financial status... esp if its not good. I am a VERY independent person, so I would like to be able to support not only myself, but my family as well. I know that sounds unrealistic, but coming from a family where a lot of times we were near poverty, I hate to think that I wouldn't be able to afford baby milk or diapers, etc.

I watched General Conference this weekend and was EXTREMELY impressed with what the church leaders spoke about. I really liked Uchtdorf, Wirthin, and Monson's talks. They were AWESOME!

I cant wait to go to Hawai'i. One of these days I'll move back, but for now I'm doing the best I can with what I have.

an den...

okay,

so im working right now... but im EXTREMELY tired and irritated, and im not geting anything done... SO i decided to blog.

life has been really complicated lately. i recieved news about things that has changed my life DRAMATICALLY yet again... i feel like in in an emotional upheaval lately, and theres nothing really i can do about it because i CHOSE to be here. I wish there were a way for me to be here to help and still be able to LIVE... but apparently there isnt...
i went on a date last thurs, and i realized that im MUCH more mature than guys my age... they tend to play stupid games, and i dont really dig it. i also ate a portabelo mushroom hamburger today from carls jr... and it was SO delicious... lol... settlers of catan is an addicting game! even though i SUCK royally, its really fun.

im off for the last week of the month, and i think im going to vegas to look for a car. i have a SUPER old crown vic that im gonnah trade-in. so thats exciting. oh, and i found a singles ward to go to finally. its a really cool ward and theres lots of cool people in it. the city i live in doesnt have a singles ward, so its nice to finally have one to go to.

My 'cousin' sent this pic to me and it totally describes how im feeling. st george like sucks out your soul... i feel so... BLAH here. like im not my own person anymore... like they're turning me into another scary utah hair, oh my heck, cant drive, utah-n, clone. its disgusting. i was so glad to go back home! oh, i forgot to tell you that i went back to hawaii for a 2 1/2 week vacation. it was so awesome! it was really good to see my brothers and their kids. ill post the pics when i get them. :)

okay... i sufficiently slacked off today, so im gonnah go! take care! OMG! WMD?! lol