Tired? What?!

Hello all.

Another year has arrived and I find myself wandering aimlessly in the morass that is my life. Some of you may say, what? Why? I thought you had everything worked out... Well, I did. (at one point) However, things have not gone the way that I tried to plan it to. I'm not upset about it, but I get 'cabin fever' easily. I have a hard time committing to... anything, and I get really antsy if I'm in a situation for longer than 2 years. I can hear the puzzled reponse of why formulating in your mind. The simple answer is: I don't know.

I have always been afraid to commit to things. Anything. A lease, a boyfriend, a roommate, school, jobs, marriage, you name it, I can't commit to it. I even make it a point to not commit to things that I'm involved with unless its COMPLETELY planned out to the minute, and I know exactly what my part is, and when I have to play it. Don't believe me? Ask Susi. She can tell you. I probably drive her up the wall with all the planning I make her do. However, my obsessive compulsive behaviors literally guide me to NOT commit to something unless I can gain control over it with order. Everything needs order. I know I sound crazy right now, but I solidly believe that unless order is achieved, the product of whatever you are organizing will not be successfully received. Confused yet??? Let me try to clear it up for you. I got roped into doing a lu'au/ho'olaule'a here in St. George. (a ho'olaule'a is a block party type event). It's organized under the name, Makahiki in St. George. Check it out. Anyway, so we were having to do this, right? However, because I work at the St. George Chamber, getting sponsors, or basically selling anything through the makahiki would be a conflict of interest. So, I have basically done nothing with it. There is so much to plan, and I feel like nothing has been organized at all. Because I can't see past the unorganized parts of the event, I won't go forward with planning until they get worked out. That is the CRAZY way my brain works.

I think that's the up and down with this job right now. I have a structured regimented schedule, and I try to keep to it as much as possible. However, I am also an artist at heart, so I like to have my freedom to do what I will with my designing and everything else I do. So, whenever I get tired of my regime, I can go to the artisic stuff, and when I hit a mental block with the artistic stuff, I can go to the scheduled parts until something hits me. The only thing that sucks is when I feel totally drained but I HAVE to make something up. eh. I'm done with this.

I've been really irrate lately. I think its because I'm stressed out about this event coming up. I feel like everyone expects me to bend my publication deadlines because they can't stay on top of things, but I've decided that I don't care whether or not things are accurate anymore because I can't wait any longer. WHICH stresses me out because it wont be PERFECT. ugh.

I'm tired. Oh. which reminds me. Susi and I are starting a hula class. We'll see how it goes.

could i POST more tags???

Wow!!! Lol... I noticed that the last 3 posts I've done have been tags. ;) Lol. I guess I should give you a little more than that. So, life lately. It’s been... like ketchup in a bottle... coming in dollops. At first it seems slow, but then a whole bunch of time passes in what seems like the blink of an eye. I've recently tried to be more social... stepping outside the realm of my one 'best' friend Susi (with whom I spend most of my time...) and testing the friendship waters around me. I’ve found something strange about the people here in St. George... even though I am Karyn... I’m seen here as Susi's friend. I’m not upset or surprised by this... Susi is a very popular person here for good reason, but I feel like the friendships I have tried to formulate here are basically built upon the fact that they know Susi and are therefore humoring me with friendship. Maybe that’s just the paranoid, untrusting, skeptical side of me coming out, but a lot of the time it DOES feel like that.

I have, however, found a little pod of friends with whom I’ve attached myself to. The only problem is that they are all leaving in 4 days to go on missions. BTW, if any of you read this, I’m going to miss you like crazy!!!

So now the question: what will I decide to do with my life? Friendwise, I know that spending all my time with Susi and her family is a no. Not only do they need their privacy, Susi and I are are COMPLETELY opposite in basically everything.

I guess I’m just tired of being an afterthought for people. I want to be like the Karyn most of you know and love. :)

ps- I had the funnest time last night at a spooky movie marathon I went to last night. We watched Poltergeist, I Am Legend, and 1408... I’ve decided that scary movies, while disturbing, are overrated... we also got to have a jam session. It was rad, and my friend Wyatt graced me with his impressive musical 'skillz'. His music is awesome. I told him he needs to get a cd out. I could totally be his pr manager. ;)

Hmm... maybe that’s what I should be shooting for... pr or something similar. I think I could be good in a job like that. Hmm... maybe life will steer me in that direction.

love

Okay... I know I’m probably just an emotional mess right now, but I feel the need to talk about love...

I know... LOVE. How lame... pathetic... and whatever... it’s my blog, so I'll write what I want to! :)

I’ve fallen in love with 3 guys in my lifetime. The first was a high school thing... sort of stupid and immature... I think I was more in love with the idea of him rather than HIM. I’m not even sure that qualifies as love... maybe just infatuation. Yeah. Well, it ended badly in any case. He ended up being a jerk off that wouldn't get over it, and I feel like I’m somehow still suffering repercussions (sp?) for his immaturity. I told him I liked him like... twice I think... and he freaked out. He told me he didn’t like me like that, and I was done... but for some reason, he thought I was obsessed... I guess it all comes down to high school boys being insufferably over confident, and my tendency to know exactly what I want and going for it with abandon.

Number two was a firefighter from Australia. He was hott and older, and I was a year past high school graduation, and rebellious. I met him at a bar… he walked me down the street and back, and we talked. He was in town for a week, and we spent the rest of the week together. We kept it alive with phone calls and emails. He was sweet, sensitive, and surprisingly intuitive. It all happened in a 6 month span. He took more time off that he should have, and came to Hawaii. I was naïve and thought I could accept his flaws and live with myself for making stupid decisions. We were engaged… and he was mad that I didn’t tell my parents that I wanted to marry a tattooed, smoking, drinking fireman from Aussie land. It also ended badly. Lol… I probably should have been nicer about it, but I realized I wanted more.

Lastly there was … I’ll call him Jim. Jim and I immediately clicked together. All it was was me walking into a room, and he and I were electric. I spent every waking moment with him. It was a dream… and it was… amazing. He was everything I wanted… everything I needed. If I was fire, he was water… we were so alike and so different. I don’t know exactly why things turned out the way it did… Jim was always a mystery to me. Whenever I thought I knew how to figure him out, he would shift, change, plunge me back into the dark. I think Jim and I would have been exactly like that… water and fire. Him always playing cool… smooth. Me being the fire... I am really a spitfire… ;) Maybe he knew that we couldn’t/wouldn’t work out. I caught him with another girl. I never understood why… I tried to escape him. He made me go to his wedding. Another girl. He still calls me too… Why can’t guys just leave well enough alone?

I’m sitting in my office at work right now. I can feel how cold it is outside, but I don’t really want to put my jacket on. Typing is relieving the stress of the emotional onslaught that just happened… I was reading a story my friend wrote… the first or second draft actually. It was fantastically poignant and lovely… It's about two friends (Ben and Alice) that ended up together. I hate to think it, but I don’t know if I’ll ever have that kind of love. It seems like every ‘relationship’ (however loosely applied) I’ve had turns out badly. I’ve had guys tell me that I have unrealistic expectations… that I’m distant, that I’m clingy, that I’m too NICE (how can someone be too nice?) that I care too much.

What is love if you can’t express the emotions that are inside of you? I’ve had boyfriends that have gotten married TWO weeks after I broke up with them? Is something wrong with me? Am I somehow unmarriable? (is that a word? … oh well…) I know that things with the ‘loves of my life’ have turned out for the better… but what about me??? Every one of them is now married… and I’m still single. What does that mean? Or does it mean nothing? Will I get what I want in the end? The companionship and electricity? The priesthood and the attraction? When it comes for me will I know it, or will I miss it?

Love is such a strange emotion. There is nothing else that can dually hurt and heal… But when it really happens will it hurt?

life

hey everybody!!!

so this is the first time in a long time that I've been blogging... just because i thought it was dumb and no one reads it... that's probably true, but its nice to be able to let it all out and not have to worry about people acting dumb after.

so... this weekend is this HUGE party that ive been helping my friend/hanai cousin (adopted cousin) plan for her grandma (who is like my dads second mom). so its all good, and we get along really well, and shes totally awesome.

but (there's always a but, huh???) okay. she is sort of... undependable. which is fine. but i feel like I'm picking up the slack, and nothing was getting planned, and she spent all of her time just shopping and playing around. however, this is cool too, because shes a really good friend, and I'm used to picking up the slack... but the thing that irritates me is... we asked for help from one of MY family friends, and she is just being SO awesome... she is like spending a butt load of money to make it happen, and to make it really classy and stuff, and she asks my friend to do something (small) for her by Tues (today) and what does my friend do? she leaves it til the last minute... and then she makes me do it for her! which not only makes me look bad to my family friend, (whim i have the HUGEST amount of respect for) but, it makes it so that she may not help me out in the future with things that i know she would do AWESOME at.

i know that i put a "higher standard" for certain things, but if someone is sacrificing something for your cause and is VOLUNTEERING to do it, doesn't that make it like a higher priority? am i wrong in assuming that you should show your gratitude through being as accommodating to them as possible?

besides the fact that now shes all stink because i was bugging her all day to get on top of it (because i knew she was going to slack off...) that kind of thing irritates me to NO END!

but, i don't want to make a federal case out of it, so... im over it.

i think my coworkers hate me.

i wish i was better at life than i am now... it just seems that I'm slipping into nothingness, and i don't know how to make things better... i don't know how to apologize for everything. i don't know how to be ME again.

i feel like this place is sucking my soul out of me. I'm being brainwashed all the time, and the people here literally suck out all you personality and energy.

i just wish i knew what to do with my life. I'm not getting any younger and i still haven't decided what i want to be... i know i want to make sufficient funds to support myself and a family (in the future) and i know i want something challenging and diverse. i want something that i can be creative in and something i can excel at. if anyone has any suggestions, I'm up for it.