Tired? What?!

Hello all.

Another year has arrived and I find myself wandering aimlessly in the morass that is my life. Some of you may say, what? Why? I thought you had everything worked out... Well, I did. (at one point) However, things have not gone the way that I tried to plan it to. I'm not upset about it, but I get 'cabin fever' easily. I have a hard time committing to... anything, and I get really antsy if I'm in a situation for longer than 2 years. I can hear the puzzled reponse of why formulating in your mind. The simple answer is: I don't know.

I have always been afraid to commit to things. Anything. A lease, a boyfriend, a roommate, school, jobs, marriage, you name it, I can't commit to it. I even make it a point to not commit to things that I'm involved with unless its COMPLETELY planned out to the minute, and I know exactly what my part is, and when I have to play it. Don't believe me? Ask Susi. She can tell you. I probably drive her up the wall with all the planning I make her do. However, my obsessive compulsive behaviors literally guide me to NOT commit to something unless I can gain control over it with order. Everything needs order. I know I sound crazy right now, but I solidly believe that unless order is achieved, the product of whatever you are organizing will not be successfully received. Confused yet??? Let me try to clear it up for you. I got roped into doing a lu'au/ho'olaule'a here in St. George. (a ho'olaule'a is a block party type event). It's organized under the name, Makahiki in St. George. Check it out. Anyway, so we were having to do this, right? However, because I work at the St. George Chamber, getting sponsors, or basically selling anything through the makahiki would be a conflict of interest. So, I have basically done nothing with it. There is so much to plan, and I feel like nothing has been organized at all. Because I can't see past the unorganized parts of the event, I won't go forward with planning until they get worked out. That is the CRAZY way my brain works.

I think that's the up and down with this job right now. I have a structured regimented schedule, and I try to keep to it as much as possible. However, I am also an artist at heart, so I like to have my freedom to do what I will with my designing and everything else I do. So, whenever I get tired of my regime, I can go to the artisic stuff, and when I hit a mental block with the artistic stuff, I can go to the scheduled parts until something hits me. The only thing that sucks is when I feel totally drained but I HAVE to make something up. eh. I'm done with this.

I've been really irrate lately. I think its because I'm stressed out about this event coming up. I feel like everyone expects me to bend my publication deadlines because they can't stay on top of things, but I've decided that I don't care whether or not things are accurate anymore because I can't wait any longer. WHICH stresses me out because it wont be PERFECT. ugh.

I'm tired. Oh. which reminds me. Susi and I are starting a hula class. We'll see how it goes.

Sweet!

Whats up y'all???

Well, I've had the weirdest weekend... it's been really... I don't know what it's been like actually. I don't know if it was weird or not... just revealing I guess. Sorry. I'm really confused still. I found out that I have EXTREMELY high blood pressure... which explains a lot. I need to take care of myself better. I thought I would be immune to all of my families genetic ailments. Apparently I'm not. I just wish I was more motivated to be better, to take care of myself better... to become more healthy and do it willingly.

I have also been trying to stay away from the 'marriage pity party' that has been going around. Apparently a lot of people are thinking they will never be able to get married. I'm not ready for marriage right now. I've always had VERY strict rules about when and where and who and why i would get married. Not really rules... I guess a better description would be wants. things i want to accomplish before i get married. A few of them are: pay off all my debts, be financially stable, maybe go on a mission, etc. This is stuff I want to do because I think that it's unfair to marry someone and make them take on your financial status... esp if its not good. I am a VERY independent person, so I would like to be able to support not only myself, but my family as well. I know that sounds unrealistic, but coming from a family where a lot of times we were near poverty, I hate to think that I wouldn't be able to afford baby milk or diapers, etc.

I watched General Conference this weekend and was EXTREMELY impressed with what the church leaders spoke about. I really liked Uchtdorf, Wirthin, and Monson's talks. They were AWESOME!

I cant wait to go to Hawai'i. One of these days I'll move back, but for now I'm doing the best I can with what I have.

Provo

Hello Everyone!!!
Sorry it's been so long... I have been INSANELY busy...
So, this past weekend I went up to Provo to visit with my cousins. It's always nice to see them. They're crazy and loud and sometimes obnoxious, but I love them. I get up there Thursday, and came back Sunday.
A couple of things I noticed about Utahns...

#1 They all SUCK at driving. I don't know what it is, but something makes people here think that it's okay to be a jerk off whilst driving. Case and point: Someone decided to do a U-turn in the right hand lane. Idiot.

#2 All the girls tend to look alike. Clothes, hair styles, make-up... they're like clones. blonde scary clones.

#3 Utah really IS beautiful! I never really noticed it until this trip. I was in awe of how beautiful it is. Everywhere I looked was lika a painting waiting to happen. I drove by the Manit Temple, and had to do a double take because it looked so much like it wasn't real.

It really was a beautiful drive. I was sad that I didn't think to bring a camera with me. While up north, I went to Salt Lake on Friday and Saturday. Friday I got to go to the Clark Planetarium. The last time I was at the planetarium was when it was still called the Hansen Planetarium, and I was in 5th grade. I have to say that I was extremely impressed. We got to watch a 3-D Imax movie... my first... and It was AMAZING. I also got to go to my favorite food joint: Grove Market Deli. If you like sandwiches, Grove's is the place for you. I highly recommend the Deluxe and the Meatball... but everything is GREAT. We also went to IKEA... I love it. Well, I love the stuff I got. I think its irritating that you can't just walk in and find what you want. you have to go through the displays...

Saturday I went to a ward activity with my cousin Leo, who has recently been called to Relief Society President. It was sort of lame, but Leo's housemate, Azul and I played this awesome game where we named all the people and gave them super powers. I think the best ones I did were Paco- the hulk, and I forgot the name, but his power was that he turned into a woman every other Thursday and Friday. Afterwards, we went to the General Relief Society Meeting. It was AWESOME! I've never been to the Conference Center before, and I was amazed at how big it was. The speakers were fantastic... but the best part for me was the fact that Sister Merilee Webb was the choir director. If you don't know Sister Webb, you're in for a treat. She was my choir teacher in college, and she taught me so much. I was overflowing with the love and respect I have for her. She's the person who (by example and just sharing her special personality and spirit with me) basically pulled me out of my rebellious stage. She was the person to show me that I can be a righteous, spiritually minded woman and still retain who I am. I was totally happy to see her. After the GRSM, we went to this cool restaurant called the One World Cafe. Its a restaurant that has the most amazing concept behind it. Here's the link for their website. Check it out!!! http://www.oneworldeverybodyeats.com/

Sunday, I drove down to Spring City to see my other cousin, Mindy and her family. Again, I wa struck by the beauty of this state. I think a lot of people take it for granted.

All in all, it was a great trip. Thanks Leo and Mindy for being the awesomest cousins ever!!!

life

hey everybody!!!

so this is the first time in a long time that I've been blogging... just because i thought it was dumb and no one reads it... that's probably true, but its nice to be able to let it all out and not have to worry about people acting dumb after.

so... this weekend is this HUGE party that ive been helping my friend/hanai cousin (adopted cousin) plan for her grandma (who is like my dads second mom). so its all good, and we get along really well, and shes totally awesome.

but (there's always a but, huh???) okay. she is sort of... undependable. which is fine. but i feel like I'm picking up the slack, and nothing was getting planned, and she spent all of her time just shopping and playing around. however, this is cool too, because shes a really good friend, and I'm used to picking up the slack... but the thing that irritates me is... we asked for help from one of MY family friends, and she is just being SO awesome... she is like spending a butt load of money to make it happen, and to make it really classy and stuff, and she asks my friend to do something (small) for her by Tues (today) and what does my friend do? she leaves it til the last minute... and then she makes me do it for her! which not only makes me look bad to my family friend, (whim i have the HUGEST amount of respect for) but, it makes it so that she may not help me out in the future with things that i know she would do AWESOME at.

i know that i put a "higher standard" for certain things, but if someone is sacrificing something for your cause and is VOLUNTEERING to do it, doesn't that make it like a higher priority? am i wrong in assuming that you should show your gratitude through being as accommodating to them as possible?

besides the fact that now shes all stink because i was bugging her all day to get on top of it (because i knew she was going to slack off...) that kind of thing irritates me to NO END!

but, i don't want to make a federal case out of it, so... im over it.

i think my coworkers hate me.

i wish i was better at life than i am now... it just seems that I'm slipping into nothingness, and i don't know how to make things better... i don't know how to apologize for everything. i don't know how to be ME again.

i feel like this place is sucking my soul out of me. I'm being brainwashed all the time, and the people here literally suck out all you personality and energy.

i just wish i knew what to do with my life. I'm not getting any younger and i still haven't decided what i want to be... i know i want to make sufficient funds to support myself and a family (in the future) and i know i want something challenging and diverse. i want something that i can be creative in and something i can excel at. if anyone has any suggestions, I'm up for it.