A Year (and a bit) Later...

My Pops

Well, hello!

I just read my last post, and... MAN! So much can happen in a year... or even a few days. My Dad passed away just a few days after I posted that blog. I guess when you know, you know. This past year has been the hardest and probably one of the most rewarding years of my life.

Grief is such a unique emotion... and everyone (and I MEAN everyone) processes it differently. Even just within our little family, everyone reacted differently, and the loss has changed them. I've learned that grief hits us all differently, and although there may be less intrusive or destructive or more considerate ways to handle the situation, that there is no right or wrong, and that we're all just here living life the best we can.

I haven't really written a lot about my Dad, and I guess the reason is that he was such a HUGE part of my life. Like how do you articulate that kind of love or loss? I watched my Dad wither away, and it was heartbreaking. Thinking about it now still brings tears to my eyes. He wasn't perfect, but he was my Dad. I've long since put behind us the hurts and growing pains of childhood, and we've forgiven each other for the wrongs perceived or otherwise.

It is/was the HUGEST blessing of my life to have my parents live with me, and doubly so when Dad got sick. Me and Mom-- who up to this point I didn't really have a positive relationship with-- have been able to grow our relationship, and I can honestly say she is now one of my best friends, and I don't know where I'd be without her.  We have grown together so much over the past year as well, and I'm so grateful for her love and strength and compassion. She is an amazing woman, and I'm lucky to be her daughter.

The new pupper--Ella

Since Dad's memorial, my Mom and I have been basically just trying to get our lives back in order. I did start therapy again, and so did Mom. We've been working through a lot of our stuff, and although there is more to deal with, we are in a pretty stable place right now. We got a great dane. She's CRAZY, and such a blessing in our lives. Really, although things have been a rollercoaster, we have also been so blessed.

If there's anything that I have learned from the past few years, it has been to cherish your time with the people you love. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS except love. Love of God, Love of your family, Love of yourself, and Love of your friends.

In my last post, I talked about the hole in my heart... through a lot of therapy and introspection I've found out a lot of things. When I was younger a lot of bad stuff happened to me. As a result of those things (that I had no control over), I created a void in my heart to protect myself. I would hide there, not knowing it was a void because it felt like nothing... and nothing felt better than all the "somethings" that were floating around. As I grew older, I started noticing the void, but not WANTING to understand what it was, I would try to fill it with things... like friends, unhealthy relationships, food, and alcohol. When a "something" would float towards the void and touch me, I would lash out at anyone or anything in my way, and try to bury myself deeper and deeper.

When I hit rock bottom, I tried to start digging myself out, but the people I was surrounded by wanted to keep me in the dark. SO, I moved away and made new friends and new relationships. They were SO MUCH BETTER than the ones I left behind! So, I took the majorly amazing people in my life and used them to close the void. Their hearts were SO BIG that they filled it up, and for a while, I was really happy. But life moved forward, and one by one, they were moving on. To me, it felt like a betrayal, because they were supposed to fill the void... not leave me! I was unfairly relying on them for my happiness and hiding from my problems instead of fixing them. They weren't abandoning me, they were moving forward with life, and I needed to as well.

Luckily, I had started learning from my friends and had been growing and moving forward too (albeit slowly and painfully). I learned that even though people leave, they don't have to leave your heart, and you can still love them no matter where they are. Happiness is within you if you take the time to find it.

Life can be rough sometimes. It can beat the garbage out of you and leave you hurting in the dark, but it can also be beautiful and wonderful and worth every moment of pain. I am still mourning my Dad, and know I will always miss him. Every day I see or hear or experience something that reminds me of him, and I'll feel a twinge in my heart and a tear in my eye. But I feel his influence in my life and know that I'll be able to see him again one day.

So, now it's just me and Mom... working towards trying to find out who we are and what makes us really happy. And if I'm completely honest, it's hard to remember a time where I've felt this free to discover myself. It's a process, but I'm learning and growing and hopefully will be able to move forward from the hurt and pain and anger. It takes time... and luckily that's something that I have spades in as of this moment. 

The Help You Need

So... I haven't really talked a ton about what has been going on lately. I've actually been super depressed and haven't wanted to get into the emotion of it all.

BUT

That isn't healthy. And I want people to know what's happening with me and where my head is at. I know that most people don't read blogs anymore, but I also know that this is the only journal that I have at the moment... and saying I've been too busy is kind of an understatement, but it's also a lie. Not that I haven't been busy. I have... but not so busy that I couldn't blog, or at least document what has been going on in my life.

So...the beginning of this year, my dog Honey died. It may sound ridiculous or whatever, but it's probably the biggest and hardest thing I've had to go through for a very long time. And it affected me so STRONGLY.

I'm not typically a super emotional person. I try to keep things buttoned up. Like, the most I'll show most people is the glistening tear down my cheek. But with Honey it was different. I couldn't keep it together. Still to this day (she died in Feb... a couple weeks before her 3rd birthday) I will just start crying over her. I just miss her... every day... all the time. Especially lately...

You see, a year and 1/4 ago, my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 sub-mandibular cancer. To be honest, I was completely floored when I found out. I mean, he's my Dad. He's supposed to be Superman. Invincible. At first, I was SURE that he would beat it. But...

I've been watching him fight and lose this battle... and there isn't anything I can do except be here and love him. And now... in just a short time, he'll be gone. And no one will call me "Whirly" again (his special nickname for me). I didn't get enough time with him, and he could die at any time. He won't be here anymore. Why do the people we love have to leave?

I love my Dad for so many reasons. Not to say that we didn't have our differences, but I'm a Daddy's girl through and through. He won't be here to teach me to fix things (aka let me watch him fix things), and I won't be able to hear his laugh... or lean on his shoulder, or give him hugs, or ask for his advice. What if I get married? He won't be there to walk me down the aisle... or to hug my kids... Any future family will never know him or know how special and loving he is.

I wish I did so many things differently. I wish I asked him more about his childhood, and asked to hear more stories about our culture. I wish I made more of an effort to learn guitar and bass. I wish I asked what his favorites were... and took more chances to just sit and talk with him. I wish I took a million more pictures of him... especially me and him together. I wish it was straight up Truman Show up in here, and I had every moment recorded so I could never forget any of it.

The only solace I have is my faith in knowing that families can be together forever. That I'll be able to see my Dad again. That he'll be watching over me.

I'm so lucky he's still here, and that I can help him transition into the next phase of existence... even if it's just for the next little while. I pray every day that he isn't suffering. I try to tell him every day that I love him... and I'm trying to be strong for my family... and for myself. It's hard to tell if he can hear me, but I hope he feels it. I hope he feels the love of everyone that cares for him.

I've really been contemplating starting to go to therapy again... because I am not coping well. And I know when my Dad goes, it will be even worse. I was re-reading some journal entries, and there was a part of one that I thought was especially poignant and pertinent to where I'm at right now:

I have a hole in my heart. It's been there for most of my life. I'm still trying to figure out when I got it and where I got it from, but I can feel it there. Some days it's only the size of a pin prick. Some days it's the ocean.

 It's felt like the ocean for a long time. Longer than it ever has before. And it's affecting me negatively. I am usually super happy and positive... but I'm having a harder and harder time holding on to the happy.  It's time for me to reach out for help.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Just remember...Life is so precious and so short. Love the people around you. Listen to them. Talk to them. Hug them. Cherish them. You never know when their time will be gone... or when yours will be. I may or may not not know you, dear reader... regardless, I love you, and I'm here if you need a shoulder.

Am I Attractive?

I recently (not so recently) read a post that my friend wrote on her blog about attractiveness and being single. Here it is, if you want to read it.

In her post, she talks about this article.

Basically (for all our tl;dr readers) each article addresses the subject of the relation between ugliness and singleness...as well as stipulating that ugliness is not only in the eye of the beholder, but is secondary to the beauty of your heart and spirit.

I have never thought of myself as ultra pretty or "drop dead gorgeous." I also don't think I fall into the camp of "ugly." I would like to think that I am mildly attractive by the world's standards. Of course I bet if I lost some weight, that would increase, but I think I look the same regardless. I make sure that I am washed and presentable and that I wear clothing that looks good on me. I don't wear a ton of make-up, mostly because it takes up too much time... and I value things like sleep more than make-up.

BUT...why do these things matter? I mean, not to sound prideful or cocky, but I think I am pretty freaking awesome man. I am kind and helpful and charitable. I am funny and witty and sarcastic. I am smart and successful and know a lot of cool and useless things. I am creative and love to learn about anything/everything. So where do looks factor into life and my personal happiness? Let's take a look at a quote from the letter in the article above. The guy writes saying:

As a result of this, my faith and patience with the Lord have been tried. I keep telling myself He could have made me handsome, but He didn’t. Why? Why am I ugly and a lot of my close friends are attractive (and married, too). At this point in my life I have very little hope of ever being happy. I feel like what’s the point of being good? What’s the point of keeping the commandments? To what end? To what end?

I have had a lot of friends that have come to me regarding not being able to find happiness in their life because of >>insert excuse here<<. Stuff like: "I can't be happy because I am still single. I can't be happy because I am buried in debt. I can't be happy because I can't find a job"...and the list goes on and on. Here's exactly what I tell each of these people:

Happiness is something you have to find within yourself.

If you aren't happy now, gaining something won't make you magically happy. Being happy is a choice. You have to make it everyday. I know that there are some extenuating factors that contribute to happiness that people can't control--like depression, PTSD, abuse etc--but on the whole, we are in control of our own happiness. And whether we can attain that by natural means, or even through medication, exercise, yoga... whatever... it's up to each of us to find happiness within ourselves and within this moment now.

Each person in this life is beautiful and unique and wonderful in their own way. I truly believe that it is our purpose in this life to find out what sets us apart and to utilize that to help other people along this crazy journey of life.

Does life always work out in our favor??? No. Do we get lost along the way sometimes? Yes. But you are WORTH everything. You are wonderful and beautiful and smart and pretty and useful and magnificent. Don't let anyone tell you different... especially yourself. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees... meaning that we are too close to things to see the big picture. Too close to our pain. Too close to the rejection. Too close to the bullying. We can't see that we mean something... and maybe even everything to someone else.

Am I attractive??? I guess that's in the eye of the beholder. But ask me if I care.

Boundaries and Embarrassing Posts

So, I want to start out by saying...That last post is a little embarrassing. :/ Oh well. It will be good to keep it up so I can improve.

Anyway...

I have been struggling a lot with certain relationships in my life and have kind of been depressed. I just watched this video:

Go ahead and watch it. It's only six minutes. Haha. Well, I have not been taking responsibility for my emotional property, and I have been letting a lot of people unload their crap into my emotional yard, and not making them own up to their "stuff" and take care of it themselves.

It's weird to think of my emotions and mental health as my property. I think most people don't think of them as really anything. They simply exist within ourselves.

Relationships are something that I used to think I'm great at, but I think I can work at things and become better at setting limits with love and making sure that my heart is guarded with proper boundaries.

Thanks for reading to whoever happens to be reading this. I'm just trying to figure things out as I go. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. I won't know either way until I try! Aloha!

You Caught Me!

Okay, okay.

I am officially TERRIBLE at doing challenges. So...remind me next time to never do another one again. ;)

How are you guys? Things here have been...pretty busy and sort of stagnant at the same time.

The holiday season is here, and so I am busy...because of that fact alone. I feel like busy-ness increases at the holidays by at least 40%...even though I feel like I'm not doing anything different. I guess it's because now there are extra things to think about...like shopping for gifts, making special meals, and coordinating schedules to maximize time with the fam.

Anywho. In addition to that, I was also enlisted to become a part of the "Coins for Kids" board. Basically, they are a charity organization that provides Christmas for families in need. It's a pretty cool organization. You guys can check them out HERE if you want to learn more or donate. :)

"I am a goofball!" ;)

Also--I know you guys are all dying to hear about my puppy. She is doing AWESOME! She is SO BIG now!!! Here is a picture because I love you and her and think she is pretty awesome and funny and goofy and miraculously not very cuddly. Hahahahahahaha!

Anyway, Honey is doing pretty awesome. She is obviously growing a TON.  She is okay with obedience too, but I think I'm going to try to put her in another class because she does better with the structure of being in a class, and I feel like I'm a better dog-mommy when we have a goal in mind, instead of "poop outside" or "don't bite my face when I'm rough-housing with you."

If any of you have any idea of how to train a dog better, please pray for me or send me tips that will work with a SUPER stubborn dog that only listens to one person at a time... >sigh<

I love her so much more than I thought I would. I am also interestingly becoming the "one you ask when one parent already said no." Haha. Poor Leo. She is the strict one and I am the one that just wants to play all the time. I wonder if I will take on that role when I become an actual parent.

Well, my dears. That's pretty much it for today. I feel bad about the challenge, but truthfully it was sort of boring. I promise to remember not to do that again for at least three months. Haha.

Back with a Challenge

So you guys know that I am not as consistent on here as I would like to be. I committed to my cousins to do a "21 Day Truth or Dare Challenge" with them, so I decided to write about it here. :) At least it gets some content on here...which I can tell you guys are just foaming at the mouth for. ;) Anyway, here are the rules:

• Each day, you have to pick either a truth or a dare.
• You must answer all questions truthfully.
• You absolutely cannot back out of a dare.

Do hashtags work on blogs??? Well, here is the hashtag anyway: #21DayTruthOrDareChallenge.

Anywho...on to the challenge!

Day 1 - TRUTH
When was the last time you gave yourself permission to have fun on a "school night"?
    Well, I'm not in school, but the last time I went out to chill with friends when I had work the next day was last week. I went to my friend C's house to make chicken pillows...which were delicious and nutritious. :) The sad part is I was home and in bed by 11 or so. Hahaha! Also---I don't know how fair this is, because I have fun pretty much every night whether I am with friends or just at home with my puppy. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to post this quickly before I got into my day. I'll be posting everyday, so feel free to come back and check in with me. You can also join me and let me know/post a link to where you'll record it in the comments so I can go and read what you guys do! :D

Have an awesome day!

Lost

This is a letter to someone I thought I knew.

There is a specific feeling when you get your heart broken. I don't have a lot of evidence to back this up, but I'm sure it feels different for everyone. For me...My heart contracts and pain shoots down my arms and legs. I ache and burn. A giant weight settles in the pit of my stomach and I feel like I can't breathe.

I think of what I want out of life. What I want to accomplish. I have so much that I think I would love to do. I've had so much failure and so much success. It's weird to think that I'm an adult. It's weird to think that I could go my whole life without feeling love on a romantic level again. Or that I could spend my life not making the difference I always thought I would.

I've had three friends get engaged in the last couple weeks. I am incredibly happy for each of them. They all deserve so much happiness, and I am so glad they've all found it. However, it makes me feel the sting of loneliness just a little keener as I help them plan for their big days. I'm not complaining at all. I just thought I would be at a different place in life at this point.

What is the next step if you want to be on a different path? Do you wander out into the wilderness and hope you find the path you want to be on? Don't they always say that if you're lost, you should stay put until someone comes and finds you? I feel like I've been waiting for someone to come find me for too long, and now I'm just forgotten.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. I feel like my life is detonating one room at a time. I feel like I'm losing touch with what it means to be me. Or who I want to be. When you lose place of who you are, who helps you to find it again?

I thought I was done with so many things in life.

I thought I was done with you.

Why not me? Why didn't you choose me?

I want to be the priority in someone's life. I want to find someone that chooses me first...that makes me feel special and beautiful and loved everyday. Someone that can help remind me of who I am when I lose track of it.

Stop haunting me. I need to move on.