Look Who Finally Showed Up!!!

I've been thinking a lot about the purpose of life. Not in a general sense, but for me personally. My brothers keep telling me that being single makes me self-centered. ;) I don't know if that is true or not, but this is my blog. I think I'm allowed to focus on me. :D

Anyway.

I was watching the Holstee Manifesto again wondering to myself, what is my passion? What do I love to do? Why am I here?

Sometimes I feel like there was a class on how to live life that I somehow missed. You know when you feel unmotivated and do the bare minimum just to get through? I feel like that has been me for the past 10 years.

How do you discover your passion?

And of course while I ponder things about life, it comes to love. When will I find love? People say that I just need to stop looking and things will happen on their own. That manifesto says that once I start doing the things I love, that love will come looking for me. What if I don't know how to do that?

You know, I blame my parents a lot in this blog for my issues. But I was thinking about it the other night, and my parents aren't really to blame. I mean... I know that there are some things that I am still trying to work out with them. However, most of my emotional damage has come from abusive "friends" (using the term loosely) that I allowed to treat me terribly. One group of people in particular seems to be at the root of my issues, and instead of leaving it in the past (where it belongs), I perpetuate it through current friends...even if it isn't in their nature to be that way.

I was reading This Article that my friend posted on his facebook wall (Be aware, it swears a lot...). I was so surprised at how many of these habits apply to me. The funny thing is that very little of my issues stem from my parents. Most of it is from those abusive relationships with associations with extended family and" friends."

I didn't fully realize this until I talked to one of my brothers about it. He and I talked for a while, and he said that although he understood my issues, he couldn't relate. That's when it all came together. My issues aren't from the family I was born into. They come from the family I chose.

That really hurts to admit...because for all those years...for all that time...I chose to be in those relationships. I chose to be insulted, belittled, stepped on, and basically made to think I wasn't worth anything. I chose to feel that way. Yes, those people took every advantage they could over me to make me feel bad, but I stood there and took it.

Why do people do that? Why to we stay in abusive relationships? Even in the aftermath of everything that went down, I still can't answer that question. What I do know is that I'm ready to put an end to it.

Yesterday I was reading a blog post over on Fat Girl PhD, and she said something that stuck with me: "when things are all good on the inside, it’s obvious on the outside too." I don't think that I have been "all good" in a long time, but it's about time I changed that.

I deserve to be happy.

I deserve to be healthy.

I deserve to be successful.

And most of all, I deserve to be loved.

It has taken me a LONG time to come to this point mentally and emotionally, but it will all work out.  I know now that I have to make it happen. It won't be easy, but I know that I'm ready for a change. I'm going to take it one step at a time. It's about time for a Karyn Comeback.

Ohio & Dysfunctional Families

****Realized I never published this...not really sure where my head was at when I posted it, but I figured I should post it. :)****

It's so funny to see how relationships change over time… and by funny I mostly mean sad and confusing.

Oh, I guess I should let you know that when I have emotional instability, I laugh. I just find it easier to hide my emotions under a smile. People don't bother you if you are smiling and laughing. I can deal with my issues and I don't have to bother people with my problems.

Well, I guess you all don't get that luxury…since I have decided that I need to vent all of my frustrations and well… everything else on this blog.

Lucky you!!! :)

Anywho… I have been ruminating on my friendships this week, and it feels like most of them are in a stage of dissolution. It's pretty sad…especially with all of the HUGE changes that are happening in my life, but I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles. The ebbs and tides of life are so interesting and often times confusing. I ask myself why I care, but the truth is that I am compelled to care. I love my friends, and I want them to be happy.

I came across an article today about dysfunctional families and the effect they have on people.

Here is the article…although I must warn you that it swears a lot.

As I read it, I felt like someone was talking about all of my problems and telling me why I act the way I act and do the things I do. It was scary…and truthfully, it made me feel relieved. I'm not as crazy as I thought. There are reasons why I am the way I am. It's an interesting article, and I encourage you to read it. It has made me realize that I need to break the patterns of dysfunction and be better…not only for me, but for my future family.

Since I'm blogging, I may as well do the next challenge day, so here it is.

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

Hmm. That is tough. I think the hardest thing I have been though as of this moment was what happened with my mission call. It took all I had to pull myself back together, and I'm not 100% sure I'm entirely over it. I try everyday though, and I think that is what counts.

Anyway. I'll keep you all updated on developments in my life. Thanks for caring…and for reading. :)

High Five.

I have so much on my mind right now, but there isn't really any way for me to say any of it. I'm sorry it has been a while since I have posted. I've been a bit busy. Don't give up on me! I'm still here.

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

#1. Reading. I LOVE reading!!! :) It relaxes me and helps me to get a mental break from life. :)

#2. My friends. My friends are seriously the BOMB.com. I totally love them. They know how to make me smile and just forget the DRAMA! :)

#3. My family. I FREAKING LOVE MY FAMILY! :) For real…I miss having them nearby. They are so funny and loving and just…IDK. Amazing! :) Esp my nieces and nephews. I don't think that I ever really appreciated the unconditional love that little kids give until my brother's kids came along.

#4. Music. Me and music…it was meant to be. <3

#5. Probably giving to others. I know… CHEESY! ;) But, it's totally true. I love doing things for people. back rubs, cooking, cleaning, even just giving compliments. It makes me happy to know that I can make the people around me happy.

Four.4.IV...

Things have been really awesome. :) Let me tell you the fantasticness that has been my weekend:

#1. The radio show this week was ridiculously awesome.

#2. Went to a dance that I thought would be terrible, but it ended up being AWESOME.

#3. Hung out with Ames, Susi, and Chris all week, which is always a bright spot in my life.

#4. Leo FINALLY came home...another bright spot. :)

#5. Bought a new mattress that is AWESOME. Best sleep ever!!! :)

#6. No Kidney stones! lol.

#7. Got to see a bunch of friends I haven't hung out with for a while... and got to meet some new friends. :)

#8. Cheered up friends after LONG days for them (and me). :D

Anyway... it really is the little things that matter. This week has been a bunch of little things that just made everything awesome. Thanks everyone! Here is the challenge post... and music. :)

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

1. Stay as independent as possible. This means emotionally and financially. Don't make stupid choices with money. Pay your bills and save as much as possible. You are going to have to do a lot by yourself. Don't sweat it. You are stronger than you think.

2. Build your testimony of Jesus Christ and His Atonement. You have a crazy road ahead of you, but He will help you through it.

3. Whether you like it or not, people are watching everything you do. I know you don't think it's fair, but that doesn't matter because it is true. You ARE an example. Be the best person and friend you can be.

4. Stay away from anything that will harm your body, mind, or spirit. For real. It matters.

5. Your closest friends will betray you in the near future. All of them. Don't let other people define your happiness or what makes you matter. You are amazing and fantastic just the way you are. Never forget that. Make friends with people that are genuine and who support your dreams. It gets better.

6. Stay away from people that make you feel bad about yourself. You don't need them. Oh, and stay away from boys that say mean and hurtful things to you. Their negative behavior is not masking a deeper love for you, and they will not come around in the end. Relationships don't have to hurt to be good. You deserve to be with people that love and appreciate you. You deserve a man that will love you unconditionally and treat you with love and respect. It will happen. I know you hate to hear this--but be patient. ;)

7. With regards to #6--LOVE with all your heart. You will have people betray you, hurt you, step on you, belittle you, bully you, and make your life a living hell...but you can transform them with your love. Love them no matter what. You make an impact on the world through your love. Never stop...ever.

8. Love goes hand in hand with forgiveness. Not only do you need to learn to forgive the people around you, but you need to forgive yourself as well. Remember: Forgiveness does not equate trust. You can forgive someone and never speak to them again. You can also forgive people and close them off emotionally if you are required to be around them. Don't be a martyr because you are "forgiving" someone.

9. Your parents and brothers really do love you. They all want you to be happy. They will be there when the world comes crashing down on you. They will also continue to do and say hurtful things, but you should try your best to keep positive relationships with all of them. Don't take it to heart. You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent girl. You will achieve success on your own terms.

10. Spend as much time with Grandma Nani as possible. Go to see her as much as you can. You are the only person that will be there for her in the end. Make as much time as you can to spend with her. She is a huge part of who you are today.

WOOT! :)

Kidney Stones and #3

Aloha Everyone!!!

I have been sort of dreading this post because it's about my parents…and I have issues airing out my family stuff for everyone to see/read. I also got kidney stones a week ago, and have been dealing with that little nugget of happiness (no pun intended). But, After thinking about it...my life is my life. I wouldn't be the person I am today without my past. So--here it is. :) Hope everyone is doing swimmingly!

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

Wow. I have a really complicated relationship with my parents. I love them with all my heart, but it's super complicated.

I have a lot of pent up emotions regarding my relationship with them. Most of my problems didn't surface until I was in high school, and I am still dealing with a lot of anger and emotional scarring. I realize that my parents did the best that they could with what they had, but things were never secure for us. They both ALWAYS worked, and therefore never had time for me. I am also the only girl in a Mormon family, and I think they were so worried about my brothers making right choices and going on their missions that they didn't take a second look at me. I think that is why I went crazy in my teen to early twenties. I went off the deep end. I got into a lot of stuff that I now regret. I wanted my parents to support me, but they were busy trying to make ends meet. I know I shouldn't hold that against them. They were doing the best they could. But the truth is that I resent not being able to have them there for things.

The good news is that I'm working through it. There are a lot of things I could talk about in regards to my parents and me. I am 'stubborn' and 'strong-willed' to put it lightly, so you can imagine that we often would butt heads. Oh well. Everybody has family stuff, right? I can only hope that when I figure all of my issues out that I can talk to them and that they won't be hurt by me finding peace within myself.

I really love my parents. They are pretty much the perfect parents for someone like me. ;) We might have our ups and downs, but I love my family. We are all going to be together forever…and I'm going to do all I can to make sure that happens. :)

Two. :D

I just want to make a general statement. Just because your life has been one way, doesn't mean that everyone else's is that way too. Nothing irritates me more than willful ignorance. Don't judge the people around you because they are different or have different life experiences. You have NO idea what it's like t be in their shoes.

For all of you who have really struggled in life--for all the down-trodden and heart-broken… You don't have to be defined by what has happened to you in the past. You can make your own way. There is always time for change. There is always time for happiness. Don't give up. :)

Anyway. Here is the question/assignment for today:

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

1. I have arachnophobia. Like for real. It is paralyzing. I think this springs from when I was really little. We had just moved to Hawaii for the first time, and...well...let's just say that I had a lot of negative experiences with bugs. These experiences only worsened when we moved to Utah for the second time. :S

2. I have a fear of trusting people. I think it boils down to the fact that I have very VERY few people I can really rely on. Most people whom I have put my trust in either betray me or leave me. Sometimes it's just easier to not trust someone. Then you never get your heart broken.

3. I have a fear of success. I think this is the worst of them all. Any time I get close to being successful, I self-sabotage. I don't really know where it comes from, but I'm working on it. :) The funny thing is that I am FANTASTIC at helping other people achieve success, but I have a hard time getting it for me. :S

Anyway. I have homework to do. Have a great night!!!

Numero Uno

So, my friend Latu is doing a 30-Day challenge to celebrate the 5th year anniversary of her blog. I haven't had my blog THAT long, but I decided that I would do the challenge, first because I love doing these, and second because I am in the mood to have some fun. :)

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.

I love to use paper plates. I hate using regular plates. This could be due to the fact that I don't like doing dishes, but maybe not.

I am terrified to travel outside of the US. I think it's because I've seen one too many episodes of "Locked Up Abroad."

I love llamas.

My favorite smell is Bounce Original scent dryer sheets.

When I occasionally get grouchy, I can be very mean-spirited. I try to stay away from that side of my persona if I can help it.

I am scared to fall in love. I am just realizing this, and it makes my life make so much more sense! lol

I collect the following things: pens, wooden boxes, crayons, hour glasses, and books.

Talking about books, I read a couple a week. I am always looking for a good book, so if you know of any--let me know! :)

I miss Hawaii everyday, but I don't see myself living there in the near or distant future.

I have vivid dreams every night, ad most of the time I remember each of them.

I hate war movies. I think this stems from my Dad forcing us to watch them when we were kids.

I have recently decided to give up tea. I admit that I am a tea drinker. It is wonderful to calm the nerves and just unwind…but it's a habit that needs to go.

I am superstitious.

I have a really scary scream. I used it once, and haven't screamed since because it scares me.

I have always wanted a dog, but I have deeded that unless I have a ton of yard--that it doesn't make any sense.

I have theme songs for all of my friends. Whenever I talk to them, their theme music plays in my head.

I hate having dirt under my fingernails.

I associate the smell of mustiness with Christmas.

I love burned toast.

I have problems sleeping.