One day at a time

I'm currently running on empty, but I feel good. I'm tired, but it was such a great weekend, that it was totally worth it.

I have recently had the privilege of "hanging out" with a bunch of new people. It has been exhilarating for me, because--as an extrovert to the core--I thrive on the energy I get from social interactions. (Oh, and it doesn't hurt that they are all really nice, genuinely awesome people!) As I sit here, mulling over the events of this weekend, it was EPIC.

A summary of my shenanigans:

AIR SUPPLY!!!!

Friday night we had a party for one of my best friends. We stayed up til the wee hours talking...which is one of my favorite things. The next morning, I had to wake up early to participate in a 5K and health fair for the Southern Utah Pacific Islander Coalition. It was my first 5K, and I really did love it. After that, we went to lunch with some friends and that evening we went and saw Air Supply at Tuacahn. The concert was AMAZING! I' m still on a little bit of a high from it. It was SO GREAT! We grabbed dinner afterwards and hung our til the wee hours (again). The next morning I got to sleep in a little, but had to get up and help (read: watch) my cousin make pie and then went to church...where we had a Thanksgiving dinner. After that, we tried to hang out with some new friends, but after that was a bust, my besties and I watched The Grinch, which I had never seen. Yes, it is true. I somehow avoided one of the best movies ever made (according to the shocked and slightly offended looks I kept getting from my friends.) It was a great movie, and even better company. :D

Anyway, overall it was a fantastic weekend, and I and looking forward to my pillow tonight. Haha!

I recently started reading the blog of one of my new friends. He is an amazing writer, and that is partially why I am writing today. It's such a great blog, and he is very eloquent with how he feels and what is on his mind. The coolest thing is that I found out that he is writing his blog for his kids. It's almost "How I Met Your Mother: Blog Remix" if you will. I would link it here, but I don't know how he would feel about it...since I am only a recent friend. I guess you'll just have to trust me when I say that it is great. :)

It made me think of what this blog is for. Is it just a place where I occasionally rant? Do I want to expand what this is and how I interact with my readers? I don't know. I wonder what people think when they stumble on this blog for the first time. What are their impressions of me? I would hope that I am entertaining and uplifting...with a unhealthy love for all things nerdy. If my future kids read this, would it help them know me better? Who knows.

I do know that when I write here, I feel better. Lighter. More focused on my ultimate goals for my life. So, my dear readers, rest easy that I will stick around...and hopefully post more often.

I started doing therapy. Mostly because I have yet to find someone that can shake me out of whatever emotional hamster wheel I happen to be running on and help me to move forward. I know that there are negative stigmas to going to therapy, but I am here to tell you IT WORKS. I don't think I am particularly emotionally unstable or a closeted psychopath. I just need someone to help me look at my issues and cope with my problems in a healthier, more positive way. I took a sip of the Kool-aid, and...it's SUPER awesome! ;)

I recently wrote in a journal entry that "No one treats me worse that I do." I am extremely hard on myself...to the point that in the past I have allowed people to treat me badly because it was nicer than how I treated myself. In therapy I have learned that I deserve better. I deserve to be happy. It's funny how a person can go their whole life being told something, but it takes one particular instance...one particular person to help it all fall into place. An emotional slap to the face, you could say. My therapist does that for me...in a good way. Haha!

I think a big part of going to therapy is that I want to be in a healthier state of mind not only for my future self and relationships, but for my kids too. I don't want to pass on any of my baggage to them just because of my pride or the fear of what people think of me.

Something my therapist told me has really been standing out to me in the past few days. She said that I need to stop focusing on the past and the future and live in the NOW. Crap happens to us. Terrible people pass through our lives. It makes me really anxious sometimes to think about what the future holds for me and how what has happened to me in the past will affect me in the future. Yeah, it sucks having a mind that NEVER shuts off sometimes, BUT all we can do is work to make TODAY the best day. Work on moving forward everyday to the goals that we have set for our life.

So that's where I'm at right now. As I look forward, I can see my life slowly coalescing into something that I can be happy with. I still struggle with things...I still fall down...I still feel the void that is loneliness in my life.  In AA they say that you need to take things "one day at a time," and it is completely true. I work at being better than I am one day at a time.

Something for the road...

It's a Numbers Game

AAAALLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA!

So just so you know, this is going to be a really long post. I have a lot on my mind and need to put it all down so I can process and absorb. Haha! :D

Me and my Gma! :D :D :D

Long time no talk! I do have an excuse (if you are at all interested). Mostly I haven't written a lot because of some personal family issues. Things have been STRAIGHT UP CRAZY around here. I won't get too much into it, but one of the reasons is--we are expecting my Grandma to be passing away before the end of the year. Because of this, we had an impromptu family reunion. Like a real one where my brothers from all around the world came and stayed at mi casa. It was crazy-town for about a month (a week each preparing for and then wrapping up after the visit which was 2 weeks long) but I freaking LOVE my family so much! I miss having them around.

A cool thing that happened (other than EVERYTHING) is that I had a REALLY good talk with one of my brothers about unconditional love and my issues with not feeling like I deserve that kind of love. I don't think I have ever experienced unconditional love outside of familial relationships (obviously if I had, I would know...right?). I was listening to him describe it and I was like...huh.

It was interesting to talk to him about it because it is something that is a foreign concept. Not that I have never felt it for someone. I think I have. However, no matter how much I love someone and pour all of my time, talents, resources, and feeling into the relationship, it is rarely reciprocated. I don't want to sound too conceited (haha. Blogs are basically engineered to be self-centered, so...), but I'm the freaking boss at loving people and trying to give them what they need to be happy.

The part I suck at is demanding love in return.

Some people have (and some still do) treat me like garbage, and I rarely call them out on it or demand to be treated with love/respect. I expect that the more I love the people around me the more they love me in return, but that isn't always the case in my life. My brother told me that people don't deserve my time if they can't at least hold up their end of the relationship--no matter who they are or what has happened to them in the past (we were basically talking about friendships at this point since I am still SINGLE as a dollar bill). He reminded me that I deserve someone that loves me in return, and that it is okay to be vulnerable and emotionally available to the people that actually love me now.

We had the coolest talk and he opened my eyes to some things that I should work on. It was super awesome.

Anyway--another thing I have been thinking about is passions and pursuing your dreams.

I came across an article. Here it is. It's not a very long read, so I'll wait while you go read it. :) Go ahead.

Interesting right? I like to think I am a passionate person. I am very lucky that my particular set of skills (movie reference!) and my passions happen to coincide. However, that doesn't mean that every day is a dream and that I find fulfillment and purpose in my current j-o-b. It would be a lie to say that I never feel that way, because if I am being truthful (which I will stop referencing now because even if I'm lying...no one would know/care. Hahahaha!) I love my job. I love what I do. It can be frustrating and stressful and pure chaos at times, but I like it.

However, what about my friends and family that don't know what they want to do to with their lives? I know this is not my end-all-be-all, but if I were to go out and say that I was going after my "dream job" what would that be? I have a lot of different talents and skills, but they don't necessarily intersect in ways that are conducive to traditional career paths. I think a lot of my friends are in the same boat.

Not everyone can fulfill their dreams. If you have a dream to be a singer, but are woefully tone-deaf...it will most likely not happen. I am a realist, and have shot myself down over multiple dreams that I would simply not be able to achieve. It might seem weird, but no one knows my limits more than I do...which is why I will never be a mathematician, computer programmer (I am great at writing code, I suck at reading it. hahaha!), nurse, or astronaut. But in this big wide world of things, those are only 4 of the gazillions of things that are out there.

Hey, look! Numbers!

I may not be great at numbers, but the likelihood of you being amazing at ANYTHING far outweighs you not being good at it. So, yes. It is a numbers game. The more things you try, and the more skills you try to learn, the more likely you are to find out what your dream can be.

I think that applies in so many aspects of my life, including relationships. I may have a group of people that treat me like crap, but the majority of the world doesn't. Most of them don't know who I am, but even in the scope of people that I do know...the majority of them have positive feelings about me.

I think a part of the secret of having a happy life is taking your passion with you and applying it to whatever you happen to be doing at the time. We only have one life to live. Why spend it hating everyday? Even if you don't like your current situation, approaching life with passion and positivity can make all the difference in the world.

If life really is a numbers game, I think we got this one in the bag. All we have to do is jump in and start trying things out.

Learning is FUN!

Professor Minerva McGonagall
©Michael Greenholt All Rights Reserved Unless Otherwise Noted
Harry Potter Characters and Names ©J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers

ALOHA!

My, my--it has been a long time, hasn't it? Well, you can go ahead with the reprimand. Unfortunately for my devoted readers, I have been busy/lazy lately. However, I am here now...and I like to think that counts for something. :)

Anywho. Life has been alright. I broke a small bone in my foot and have to go to the doctor to see what I have to do for it not to be broken. :S BOO! What else??? Um, yeah. I have no idea. Haha! Let's get on with the challenge!

Day 8 - Favorite Subject

Since I have yet to take a class at Hogwarts (You can actually do that HERE), I guess I would have to go with the subject that I think would be the coolest to learn. There are a lot actually, as I would really like to learn pretty much everything I could about magic if I happened to become magical one day. However, since that is not the case today--looks like I'll go through each subject I think is cool and why I would like to learn them.

Transfiguration is something that I think would be cool to learn and experience. Turning things into other things...and maybe becoming an Animagus would be SO awesome!. I also like Herbology. I have always been really good with plants, and like to learn their various uses for food, medicine, etc. Herbology is something I think I would be really good at. Defense Against the Dark Arts would be cool for obvious reasons (I think pretty much everyone wants to learn DADA). And--I would love to learn more about Potions. I can't say whether or not I would be good at it...but I am good at cooking, and I would hope that it is similar. I happen to be amazing at it on Pottermore, but that's not really what it's like...so yeah.

Anyway, yeah. Harry Potter man. I freaking love everything about it.

That's it for now. Not a whole lot to say today. I'm just really happy it's the weekend. Hahaha! Music for the day:

Sing, Sing, Sing!

Aloha!

It has definitely been a long time. I wasn't sure I wanted to continue to blog, but I like sharing with people, and putting my ideas out there for people to weigh in on.

I recently (aka 5 mins ago) read THIS blog post--shared with me through a friend's facebook post.

Go read it.

Go ahead, I can wait. AND the rest of this post is regarding what is said in that post.

---

Okay. So here it goes.

People often tell me that I need to go on American Idol, or The Voice, or whatever. Honestly, it is so flattering each and every time it happens. I feel a lot like the woman who posted that blog. I know how much of a compliment it is when people say that to me, and I would be lying if I said I had never thought about it. However, I don't think I ever will. While I don't know if I am actually good enough to weigh in on this topic, I felt like I had something to add from my perspective.

Singing is something I do to share a piece of myself with the people around me. I was taught by some of the best singers I know--my family. The reason why I sing is partially for me, and partially for them. I sing because it makes me feel special and beautiful and free. I sing for my family to carry on the legacy they created for themselves. They are all so amazingly talented. Of course the other part of why I sing are the listeners. I like creating a moment in time with people where they identify with the song I chose to share. I also use it as a teaching tool for who I am as a Hawaiian.

Singing is something that is very personal to me. I don't sing for just anyone, and I know it frustrates people when I refuse to sing for someone. A lot of the reason why I do is because I am too emotionally vulnerable to open myself up for a criticism...if there is any. Because while singing is something that defines me, it is also a point of massive self-consciousness. It feels like the ultimate rejection when someone criticizes my singing,which is why I can understand people giving it up after being told by someone--who is supposed to be a professional--that they are bad at it. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm not good enough to go pro. Honestly, I'm not even sure that is something I want. Regardless, I would rather live in obscurity than do anything that would take the joy of singing away from me.

Anyway...I guess the take-away is:

Don't stop praising your friends and families for being good at what they do. They are sharing a part of themselves with you every time they do it. :)

Something for the road:

New Job and Old Professors

Aloha everyone!

So this concludes the second week at my new job alone. :) I really like it a lot. I have a ton to do, and it's nice to be busy. I think that the only complaint I have is that I need a better chair. I might just get my own chair, but we'll see. I'll talk to my boss about it later next week.

So, I was thinking about my blog, and I realized that I am in the middle of a blog challenge! Hahahaha! I can't believe that I forgot! So, here it is.

Day 7 - Least Favorite Professor

©Michael Greenholt All Rights Reserved Unless Otherwise Noted Harry Potter Characters and Names ©J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers

I think that my least favorite professor would be Professor Umbridge. I literally hate her. I don't know if it is possible to hate a fictional character, but I do. Just the fact that she was so prejudiced against magical creatures, and her haughtiness makes me really really dislike her. Plus, she was RUBBISH as a teacher. I cheered out loud when the centaurs and Fred and George showed her what's what. I just totally hated her.. . and still do. I think the only redeeming quality she had was her love for cats…although I think that is just because I imagine that she looks somewhat like that angry cat from internet memes. ;)

See?! Exactly alike!

Well, I need to head off to bed. This week has been pretty awesome. I have decided that I want to start working out next week... I think I'll mostly do walking, stretching, some yoga maybe...who knows. :) I leave you with a commercial that I watch when I want to get PUMPED! Of course I would never be influenced to watch this because of my new job or anything... ;)

It's ALIVE!

Yes. It is true. I am still alive! Haha!

I know it has been quite a while since I've written anything, and I'm not sure if anyone still reads blogs anymore, but I just had a lot on my mind and felt like I needed to get it off my chest. Here is what I imagine all of you saying:

So much has been going on, and I don't even know where to begin. I guess the first thing I'll talk about is my Dad. A few weeks ago he had what is called a grand mal seizure. It's the worst kind of seizure that there is, and it was pretty scary for all of us. We still don't know what the cause was or what exactly we can do about it other than medication...so yeah. I guess that is the least complicated of all the stuff going on.

I also got a new full-time job. It has been such a relief to get something full-time, and I'm glad that I have it. I think I have realized that I like to have down time, and having a shift-type job (instead of a regular 9-5 type) basically means that I have no life. I have also decided that I need to do more creative things. I have stopped doing things really creative in the past 5 years, and I realized that I need creativity in my life in order to feel relaxed and centered. It has been a while since I have even thought of an entirely creative endeavor, so I am really excited about it! :)

Next is I am tired of being overweight. I know that I am in control of this, and I am trying to be better about what I eat and not to be so sedentary all the time. I think as my schedule starts to even out that I will be able to find a good balance. My biggest problem is motivation. I can't find anything that motivates me. I will start working out or start on a new eating regimen, but as soon as my resolve is tested I cave. It is so frustrating. I need to definitely work on self-mastery, but I don't even know where to start. I can get it together in all other aspects of my life, but for some reason this is the one that is eluding me. It is so frustrating. Health is something that I cherish, but when it comes to weight loss, I don't know where to start. I'm working on it, but it is hard to go it alone. I know I'm not alone, but yeah...

I have also been more lonely than usual lately. I am typically really good at managing my loneliness. Most people don't even know that I feel lonely. However, more often lately I have been missing having romantic love in my life. It's silly that at the time I feel I am most repugnant, that I am longing for love more than I ever have. Maybe my self confidence is a result of that feeling. I'm worried about feeling like this because I am prone to lash out at people.

I have been reading this blog called 40 Days of Dating. It is a study of two friends with opposite relationship issues that decide to date for 40 days and see how it changes them. I won't ruin it for those of you that want to go and read it, but I have to say that it really opened my eyes. I have a lot of issues and if I learned anything from the study, it is that I need to seek out professional help. I self-sabotage in my personal relationships and goals, and go as far as to cutting off potential relationships (no matter how remote the chances) because I am scared of being hurt or abandoned.

If I could go off on a religious tangent, I think that it is very applicable here. I was at a friend's ward today and the Bishop of the ward was speaking. His talk was so amazing, and there was so much that he said that directly related to me. However, the thing that I have been turning over and over in my mind is, "Receiving remission for your sins and retaining a remission for your sins are two different things. You receive remission of your sins through repentance, but you retain a remission for your sins through service." I feel like I have been so full of doubt, fear, anger, guilt, and just plain unhappiness that it has crowded out the Spirit of peace and joy in my life. Service is something that i truly enjoy, but rarely am able to find the opportunity for. I have been thinking a lot about volunteering on a semi-regular basis somewhere. I think the service would help me to be better in my own life.

Okay. I'll finish here because I need to hit the hay. If you read the whole post, THANKS! If not, it's all good. Here is a song to get you going. :)

Teachers and Unicorns

Aloha!

Today has been a LONG day, and I am currently supposed to be writing a paper, but I have writers block, so I figured blogging would help. We'll see I guess. :)  

Day 6 - Favorite Professor

This is a hard question because as I have never been to any wizarding school (shocking, I know), I want to learn EVERYTHING!

If I have to choose just one, I would say my favorite professor was Remus Lupin. I am a kinetic learner--meaning I learn by doing. I found his teaching methods to be highly effective. And, let's be honest--the students at Hogwarts never learned as much in one year in Defense Against the Dark Arts as when Remus was professor. (This is of course not counting when Harry taught them, as he was not an official professor, but more of a club president. Along this note, was anyone else disappointed when Harry became an Auror instead of a teacher? I just always thought he would be better suited in a teaching role. He did so well!)

Learning has always been a passion of mine, but can you imagine learning magic? Like actual magic, and it isn't like satanism or whatever weird stuff there is out there. I just think a world with magic would be so awesome. Of course the responsibility of it all would bring the other side of things.

I have always said that there cannot be light without darkness. You couldn't have a world with incredible and fantastic magic without having incredible darkness as well. I don't think that there is another lesson in Harry Potter that I learned as well as along with that incredible power is also responsibility, and when that responsibility is misused, horrible things can happen.

We can see evidence of the misuse of power anytime the news is on. I actually try to avoid news because it makes me so sad, but like Martin Luther King Jr. said, "nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." I guess I better choose something other than ignorance. Haha.

Anyway, I am really starting to worry about my talk on Sunday. I can't say that I have really started writing anything, but I think about it almost every hour. Haha. I'll start on it tomorrow, it's late.

Well dears, that is all for now. I will leave you with this. It is one of my favorite lullabies.