Cyclical Thinking.

Do you ever feel like you're stuck in a loop in your head? Or think about a situation and go through every detail until you have burned every moment into your soul? Where you relive things over and over to see what you did wrong... or to try to see if there was something you could have done different or better... and ultimately hate yourself for not making the "right" choice or making "stupid" mistakes? Or your heart hurts over decisions that someone else made that affect you, and now you're stuck in a situation that you are trying to think yourself out of, but since you have no control, you have no effect on the outcome... no matter how hard you try or want to push. And ultimately you come to the conclusion that it's better to just to never try and that you couldn't have been that happy... and that you didn't deserve it anyway... and that it's better to just curl up around your broken heart and cradle the pieces, and just hope that eventually, the pain goes away?

And then someone comes along and makes you feel like you might be worth someone's time, and that you might be worthy of care and consideration and love. And you decide to let them touch your heart, and you allow them space in your mind, and you show them the pieces of your heart, and they tell you you're not broken. That you are just human and allowed to make mistakes... so you give them more of you and trust them to sometimes share the burdens on your heart. And you have deep conversations, and you talk about your past heartbreaks and dreams for the future. And you share intimate moments, and laughs and kisses... 

And then all of a sudden it isn't enough... and you start trying to think of why things are different. And you start thinking about the conversations you've had and all the moments you've shared, and you try to figure out what you did wrong... and you go through every detail until every moment you've shared is burned into your soul... and You start to relive things over and over to try to find out what you did wrong... and start beating the shit out of yourself because you obviously didn't say the right thing, and you made a stupid mistake... and every song you've shared that made your heart soar, now make it break... but you listen to it anyway because you're trying to recapture what is slipping between your fingers...

No? Yeah... me neither.

What You Invest In

I've been thinking a lot about what I've been investing my time in... and if I've correctly judged what I place importance upon in my life. I do this pretty regularly because as someone who regularly swings between chaotic good, chaotic neutral alignment (if you need an explanation of alignments, click here. Also... oh, you sweet summer child. Haha), I can't always trust that what I'm doing is GOOD. I can only see that it brings me the freedom I want/need. I can't always see if it is good for ME either.

Let me explain it if you're a little confused. When I graduated from high school, I was DONE with school. So, I decided that I was going to not go to college (even though I was accepted by like 4 colleges, and had a scholarship). I didn't see that this decision would set back my actual life plans or that having nothing to focus on would only fuel my already burgeoning alcoholism. I didn't see or even care that if I didn't take advantage of my scholarship, that I would lose it... I didn't even care that It's actually HARD for a lot of people to get into college. I only saw that I was tired of being told what to do and feeling controlled.

When something comes along in my life and it feels BIG or that it might change the balance of anything, I kind of freak out a little. Sometimes those freakouts look like me isolating myself, or lashing out at people, or running away, or fighting. (I'm working on it. :) ) SO, as I've gotten older and more used to the weaknesses that my particular energy levels, personality, alignments, and basically the nuances of being me bring, I've developed a type of system test to make sure that I'm on the right path. Since I 'can't see the forest for the trees' most of the time, anything that upsets the balance of my life just obliterates everything. It's like that game, Perfection. IDK if you remember that game... there's a board on a timer and you have to put all the pieces in the right slots and if the timer runs out, the board pops all the pieces out (Here's an old commercial about it: COMMERCIAL). So to short circuit that, I have become an overthinker. I try to weigh things rationally, removing emotion (if I can) from the equation to see where I stand, and then look at what emotions I'm having and where they stem from and decide on whether or not to include them in choosing if I allow someone or something into my life.

Obviously, this isn't the most optimal solution... and is flawed at best, but it has worked for me thus far. I'm tired of things in my life exploding out of balance. Every time that happens, I have to take everything that I've made decisions about and look at them objectively to see if I'm good or... for lack of better phrasing if I fucked things up. Because I can't always see if what I'm doing is hurting the people around me... or if they are negatively impacted by what I'm doing or choosing. Overthinking has become a way of life for me. Before I will befriend someone, I watch them to see if I can handle bringing them into my life. Before I make that big purchase, I research every type of thing and make sure it's exactly what I want. I overthink everything all the time... and it's EXHAUSTING.

BUT because I have that chaotic energy too... I will also make decisions without thinking at all. It's never anything I foresee being a big deal, but sometimes it ends up being a big thing... and I have to do damage control. Hahahaha. I can hear you shake your head. Haha. I'm a complicated woman, what can I say? 

Anyway, I've made a few big decisions over the past few weeks, and it's throwing my entire life into chaos again, and I can hear the timer running out... and I'm just trying to see if everything is "okay" or if I need to make any alterations to the particular set of rules that I live my life by.

That sounds insane... even in my head haha. But, again, it's my process, and I am trying to mitigate imminent damage.

I'm hoping that I haven't made the wrong decisions, or am actively hurting the people I care about, or that when I start down this new path... that I'm enough to make shit happen... but if I'm honest, I'm also super excited to see where it will take me and to test my mettle. Also, I trust my gut feelings. I might not take the straightest, easiest way, but it's always interesting and entertaining.

Anyway, wish me luck! Let's hope that at the end of it, the people I'm dragging along with me (and I) will be where I can visualize us to be. That everything will shake out for the best, and that I can reset the game and be happy where the pieces go. ;)

It's a talent

I don't know a lot about everything, but I do know a lot about the part of everything that I know, which is people.

So I have this thing... some may call it intuition, or say I'm an empath... some may even say that it's just an ability to read minute physiological reactions--that it's an adaptive evolution of senses. To be honest, I don't really think a lot about it because it's like an innate talent. I have the ability to look into someone and see and discover not only what their motivations are, but to also really see into a person. To know what makes them tick, to see potential... to see if they are worth my time... or if they are dangerous.

I just know... when someone is sad. When they are angry. When they need help. When I need to step away... when I need to run. I know when someone needs to talk. I can see when someone is ready to snap. And I also have the skill to unwind their tension. Make them feel at ease. To feed whatever needs nourishment in their soul, and help them to take a step forward.

And lucky for the people I love and/or keep close... it only gets better the more I know you. Actually, I guess that's subjective because it can be kind of hard to hide things from me. I can tell... even if my friends or family don't say anything, I know when something isn't right. And being who I am I dig into things until I get to the heart of it... for better or worse.

I feel very fortunate to have this talent. Unfortunately in the past, I used it for manipulation and deceit. I hurt a lot of people... and did things I'm not proud of. That is one negative side effect... I know exactly how to lie to everyone around me. For a long time, my entire world was fabricated of lie after lie... until I didn't know what was real anymore. I never let anyone close because I feared they would see me for who I really was, and hate me... or worse, expose me.

Luckily I got the help I needed and use my superpowers for (mostly) good now days. After living in the shadows of chicanery, I demand honesty not only from myself, but the people around me. It can be hard for people to do. I get a lot of half truths... or blatant lies. I understand people can have a hard time living in a world of blunt, unfiltered truth. There is a saying about the truth of things being hard to take. I can say from experience that a web of lies is worse than any hard truth. The truth may cut to your core, but you can heal and move on from it. Lies will slowly surround you and suffocate you to death.

Despite that burning need for truth, I do try to keep my talents in check... to respect people and their space. I understand people need to have secrets. Without sounding more conceited than I probably already do, I am probably the least judgmental person you'll meet. I try to accept people exactly as they are. But the secrets people keep--especially people I care about--still hurt. Not so much the need to have them, but I think it's mostly knowing that they feel they have to keep something from me. It feels like I'm not good enough... like I'm failing at being a friend or sister or daughter, etc.

So who the hell cares? Haha. I guess it doesn't matter. I just have been thinking a lot lately about my life, where it's headed, and where I want to be. I used to be so afraid of people knowing the real me. Of seeing who I am. I needed lies to control my narrative. There is a true freedom of erasing that fear and stepping into the light where you can be yourself unapologetically. Is it still scary? Totally, but it isn't lasting. In fact, the more vulnerable you are with the people around you, the more they will open up and embrace you... no matter how broken or different you feel.

What does it all mean? What's the point? Sounds like that's for you to figure out. Until then, if you need someone to lend an ear, I'm here...

A Year (and a bit) Later...

My Pops

Well, hello!

I just read my last post, and... MAN! So much can happen in a year... or even a few days. My Dad passed away just a few days after I posted that blog. I guess when you know, you know. This past year has been the hardest and probably one of the most rewarding years of my life.

Grief is such a unique emotion... and everyone (and I MEAN everyone) processes it differently. Even just within our little family, everyone reacted differently, and the loss has changed them. I've learned that grief hits us all differently, and although there may be less intrusive or destructive or more considerate ways to handle the situation, that there is no right or wrong, and that we're all just here living life the best we can.

I haven't really written a lot about my Dad, and I guess the reason is that he was such a HUGE part of my life. Like how do you articulate that kind of love or loss? I watched my Dad wither away, and it was heartbreaking. Thinking about it now still brings tears to my eyes. He wasn't perfect, but he was my Dad. I've long since put behind us the hurts and growing pains of childhood, and we've forgiven each other for the wrongs perceived or otherwise.

It is/was the HUGEST blessing of my life to have my parents live with me, and doubly so when Dad got sick. Me and Mom-- who up to this point I didn't really have a positive relationship with-- have been able to grow our relationship, and I can honestly say she is now one of my best friends, and I don't know where I'd be without her.  We have grown together so much over the past year as well, and I'm so grateful for her love and strength and compassion. She is an amazing woman, and I'm lucky to be her daughter.

The new pupper--Ella

Since Dad's memorial, my Mom and I have been basically just trying to get our lives back in order. I did start therapy again, and so did Mom. We've been working through a lot of our stuff, and although there is more to deal with, we are in a pretty stable place right now. We got a great dane. She's CRAZY, and such a blessing in our lives. Really, although things have been a rollercoaster, we have also been so blessed.

If there's anything that I have learned from the past few years, it has been to cherish your time with the people you love. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS except love. Love of God, Love of your family, Love of yourself, and Love of your friends.

In my last post, I talked about the hole in my heart... through a lot of therapy and introspection I've found out a lot of things. When I was younger a lot of bad stuff happened to me. As a result of those things (that I had no control over), I created a void in my heart to protect myself. I would hide there, not knowing it was a void because it felt like nothing... and nothing felt better than all the "somethings" that were floating around. As I grew older, I started noticing the void, but not WANTING to understand what it was, I would try to fill it with things... like friends, unhealthy relationships, food, and alcohol. When a "something" would float towards the void and touch me, I would lash out at anyone or anything in my way, and try to bury myself deeper and deeper.

When I hit rock bottom, I tried to start digging myself out, but the people I was surrounded by wanted to keep me in the dark. SO, I moved away and made new friends and new relationships. They were SO MUCH BETTER than the ones I left behind! So, I took the majorly amazing people in my life and used them to close the void. Their hearts were SO BIG that they filled it up, and for a while, I was really happy. But life moved forward, and one by one, they were moving on. To me, it felt like a betrayal, because they were supposed to fill the void... not leave me! I was unfairly relying on them for my happiness and hiding from my problems instead of fixing them. They weren't abandoning me, they were moving forward with life, and I needed to as well.

Luckily, I had started learning from my friends and had been growing and moving forward too (albeit slowly and painfully). I learned that even though people leave, they don't have to leave your heart, and you can still love them no matter where they are. Happiness is within you if you take the time to find it.

Life can be rough sometimes. It can beat the garbage out of you and leave you hurting in the dark, but it can also be beautiful and wonderful and worth every moment of pain. I am still mourning my Dad, and know I will always miss him. Every day I see or hear or experience something that reminds me of him, and I'll feel a twinge in my heart and a tear in my eye. But I feel his influence in my life and know that I'll be able to see him again one day.

So, now it's just me and Mom... working towards trying to find out who we are and what makes us really happy. And if I'm completely honest, it's hard to remember a time where I've felt this free to discover myself. It's a process, but I'm learning and growing and hopefully will be able to move forward from the hurt and pain and anger. It takes time... and luckily that's something that I have spades in as of this moment. 

The Help You Need

So... I haven't really talked a ton about what has been going on lately. I've actually been super depressed and haven't wanted to get into the emotion of it all.

BUT

That isn't healthy. And I want people to know what's happening with me and where my head is at. I know that most people don't read blogs anymore, but I also know that this is the only journal that I have at the moment... and saying I've been too busy is kind of an understatement, but it's also a lie. Not that I haven't been busy. I have... but not so busy that I couldn't blog, or at least document what has been going on in my life.

So...the beginning of this year, my dog Honey died. It may sound ridiculous or whatever, but it's probably the biggest and hardest thing I've had to go through for a very long time. And it affected me so STRONGLY.

I'm not typically a super emotional person. I try to keep things buttoned up. Like, the most I'll show most people is the glistening tear down my cheek. But with Honey it was different. I couldn't keep it together. Still to this day (she died in Feb... a couple weeks before her 3rd birthday) I will just start crying over her. I just miss her... every day... all the time. Especially lately...

You see, a year and 1/4 ago, my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 sub-mandibular cancer. To be honest, I was completely floored when I found out. I mean, he's my Dad. He's supposed to be Superman. Invincible. At first, I was SURE that he would beat it. But...

I've been watching him fight and lose this battle... and there isn't anything I can do except be here and love him. And now... in just a short time, he'll be gone. And no one will call me "Whirly" again (his special nickname for me). I didn't get enough time with him, and he could die at any time. He won't be here anymore. Why do the people we love have to leave?

I love my Dad for so many reasons. Not to say that we didn't have our differences, but I'm a Daddy's girl through and through. He won't be here to teach me to fix things (aka let me watch him fix things), and I won't be able to hear his laugh... or lean on his shoulder, or give him hugs, or ask for his advice. What if I get married? He won't be there to walk me down the aisle... or to hug my kids... Any future family will never know him or know how special and loving he is.

I wish I did so many things differently. I wish I asked him more about his childhood, and asked to hear more stories about our culture. I wish I made more of an effort to learn guitar and bass. I wish I asked what his favorites were... and took more chances to just sit and talk with him. I wish I took a million more pictures of him... especially me and him together. I wish it was straight up Truman Show up in here, and I had every moment recorded so I could never forget any of it.

The only solace I have is my faith in knowing that families can be together forever. That I'll be able to see my Dad again. That he'll be watching over me.

I'm so lucky he's still here, and that I can help him transition into the next phase of existence... even if it's just for the next little while. I pray every day that he isn't suffering. I try to tell him every day that I love him... and I'm trying to be strong for my family... and for myself. It's hard to tell if he can hear me, but I hope he feels it. I hope he feels the love of everyone that cares for him.

I've really been contemplating starting to go to therapy again... because I am not coping well. And I know when my Dad goes, it will be even worse. I was re-reading some journal entries, and there was a part of one that I thought was especially poignant and pertinent to where I'm at right now:

I have a hole in my heart. It's been there for most of my life. I'm still trying to figure out when I got it and where I got it from, but I can feel it there. Some days it's only the size of a pin prick. Some days it's the ocean.

 It's felt like the ocean for a long time. Longer than it ever has before. And it's affecting me negatively. I am usually super happy and positive... but I'm having a harder and harder time holding on to the happy.  It's time for me to reach out for help.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Just remember...Life is so precious and so short. Love the people around you. Listen to them. Talk to them. Hug them. Cherish them. You never know when their time will be gone... or when yours will be. I may or may not not know you, dear reader... regardless, I love you, and I'm here if you need a shoulder.

Am I Attractive?

I recently (not so recently) read a post that my friend wrote on her blog about attractiveness and being single. Here it is, if you want to read it.

In her post, she talks about this article.

Basically (for all our tl;dr readers) each article addresses the subject of the relation between ugliness and singleness...as well as stipulating that ugliness is not only in the eye of the beholder, but is secondary to the beauty of your heart and spirit.

I have never thought of myself as ultra pretty or "drop dead gorgeous." I also don't think I fall into the camp of "ugly." I would like to think that I am mildly attractive by the world's standards. Of course I bet if I lost some weight, that would increase, but I think I look the same regardless. I make sure that I am washed and presentable and that I wear clothing that looks good on me. I don't wear a ton of make-up, mostly because it takes up too much time... and I value things like sleep more than make-up.

BUT...why do these things matter? I mean, not to sound prideful or cocky, but I think I am pretty freaking awesome man. I am kind and helpful and charitable. I am funny and witty and sarcastic. I am smart and successful and know a lot of cool and useless things. I am creative and love to learn about anything/everything. So where do looks factor into life and my personal happiness? Let's take a look at a quote from the letter in the article above. The guy writes saying:

As a result of this, my faith and patience with the Lord have been tried. I keep telling myself He could have made me handsome, but He didn’t. Why? Why am I ugly and a lot of my close friends are attractive (and married, too). At this point in my life I have very little hope of ever being happy. I feel like what’s the point of being good? What’s the point of keeping the commandments? To what end? To what end?

I have had a lot of friends that have come to me regarding not being able to find happiness in their life because of >>insert excuse here<<. Stuff like: "I can't be happy because I am still single. I can't be happy because I am buried in debt. I can't be happy because I can't find a job"...and the list goes on and on. Here's exactly what I tell each of these people:

Happiness is something you have to find within yourself.

If you aren't happy now, gaining something won't make you magically happy. Being happy is a choice. You have to make it everyday. I know that there are some extenuating factors that contribute to happiness that people can't control--like depression, PTSD, abuse etc--but on the whole, we are in control of our own happiness. And whether we can attain that by natural means, or even through medication, exercise, yoga... whatever... it's up to each of us to find happiness within ourselves and within this moment now.

Each person in this life is beautiful and unique and wonderful in their own way. I truly believe that it is our purpose in this life to find out what sets us apart and to utilize that to help other people along this crazy journey of life.

Does life always work out in our favor??? No. Do we get lost along the way sometimes? Yes. But you are WORTH everything. You are wonderful and beautiful and smart and pretty and useful and magnificent. Don't let anyone tell you different... especially yourself. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees... meaning that we are too close to things to see the big picture. Too close to our pain. Too close to the rejection. Too close to the bullying. We can't see that we mean something... and maybe even everything to someone else.

Am I attractive??? I guess that's in the eye of the beholder. But ask me if I care.

Boundaries and Embarrassing Posts

So, I want to start out by saying...That last post is a little embarrassing. :/ Oh well. It will be good to keep it up so I can improve.

Anyway...

I have been struggling a lot with certain relationships in my life and have kind of been depressed. I just watched this video:

Go ahead and watch it. It's only six minutes. Haha. Well, I have not been taking responsibility for my emotional property, and I have been letting a lot of people unload their crap into my emotional yard, and not making them own up to their "stuff" and take care of it themselves.

It's weird to think of my emotions and mental health as my property. I think most people don't think of them as really anything. They simply exist within ourselves.

Relationships are something that I used to think I'm great at, but I think I can work at things and become better at setting limits with love and making sure that my heart is guarded with proper boundaries.

Thanks for reading to whoever happens to be reading this. I'm just trying to figure things out as I go. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. I won't know either way until I try! Aloha!

You Caught Me!

Okay, okay.

I am officially TERRIBLE at doing challenges. So...remind me next time to never do another one again. ;)

How are you guys? Things here have been...pretty busy and sort of stagnant at the same time.

The holiday season is here, and so I am busy...because of that fact alone. I feel like busy-ness increases at the holidays by at least 40%...even though I feel like I'm not doing anything different. I guess it's because now there are extra things to think about...like shopping for gifts, making special meals, and coordinating schedules to maximize time with the fam.

Anywho. In addition to that, I was also enlisted to become a part of the "Coins for Kids" board. Basically, they are a charity organization that provides Christmas for families in need. It's a pretty cool organization. You guys can check them out HERE if you want to learn more or donate. :)

"I am a goofball!" ;)

Also--I know you guys are all dying to hear about my puppy. She is doing AWESOME! She is SO BIG now!!! Here is a picture because I love you and her and think she is pretty awesome and funny and goofy and miraculously not very cuddly. Hahahahahahaha!

Anyway, Honey is doing pretty awesome. She is obviously growing a TON.  She is okay with obedience too, but I think I'm going to try to put her in another class because she does better with the structure of being in a class, and I feel like I'm a better dog-mommy when we have a goal in mind, instead of "poop outside" or "don't bite my face when I'm rough-housing with you."

If any of you have any idea of how to train a dog better, please pray for me or send me tips that will work with a SUPER stubborn dog that only listens to one person at a time... >sigh<

I love her so much more than I thought I would. I am also interestingly becoming the "one you ask when one parent already said no." Haha. Poor Leo. She is the strict one and I am the one that just wants to play all the time. I wonder if I will take on that role when I become an actual parent.

Well, my dears. That's pretty much it for today. I feel bad about the challenge, but truthfully it was sort of boring. I promise to remember not to do that again for at least three months. Haha.

Back with a Challenge

So you guys know that I am not as consistent on here as I would like to be. I committed to my cousins to do a "21 Day Truth or Dare Challenge" with them, so I decided to write about it here. :) At least it gets some content on here...which I can tell you guys are just foaming at the mouth for. ;) Anyway, here are the rules:

• Each day, you have to pick either a truth or a dare.
• You must answer all questions truthfully.
• You absolutely cannot back out of a dare.

Do hashtags work on blogs??? Well, here is the hashtag anyway: #21DayTruthOrDareChallenge.

Anywho...on to the challenge!

Day 1 - TRUTH
When was the last time you gave yourself permission to have fun on a "school night"?
    Well, I'm not in school, but the last time I went out to chill with friends when I had work the next day was last week. I went to my friend C's house to make chicken pillows...which were delicious and nutritious. :) The sad part is I was home and in bed by 11 or so. Hahaha! Also---I don't know how fair this is, because I have fun pretty much every night whether I am with friends or just at home with my puppy. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to post this quickly before I got into my day. I'll be posting everyday, so feel free to come back and check in with me. You can also join me and let me know/post a link to where you'll record it in the comments so I can go and read what you guys do! :D

Have an awesome day!

Lost

This is a letter to someone I thought I knew.

There is a specific feeling when you get your heart broken. I don't have a lot of evidence to back this up, but I'm sure it feels different for everyone. For me...My heart contracts and pain shoots down my arms and legs. I ache and burn. A giant weight settles in the pit of my stomach and I feel like I can't breathe.

I think of what I want out of life. What I want to accomplish. I have so much that I think I would love to do. I've had so much failure and so much success. It's weird to think that I'm an adult. It's weird to think that I could go my whole life without feeling love on a romantic level again. Or that I could spend my life not making the difference I always thought I would.

I've had three friends get engaged in the last couple weeks. I am incredibly happy for each of them. They all deserve so much happiness, and I am so glad they've all found it. However, it makes me feel the sting of loneliness just a little keener as I help them plan for their big days. I'm not complaining at all. I just thought I would be at a different place in life at this point.

What is the next step if you want to be on a different path? Do you wander out into the wilderness and hope you find the path you want to be on? Don't they always say that if you're lost, you should stay put until someone comes and finds you? I feel like I've been waiting for someone to come find me for too long, and now I'm just forgotten.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. I feel like my life is detonating one room at a time. I feel like I'm losing touch with what it means to be me. Or who I want to be. When you lose place of who you are, who helps you to find it again?

I thought I was done with so many things in life.

I thought I was done with you.

Why not me? Why didn't you choose me?

I want to be the priority in someone's life. I want to find someone that chooses me first...that makes me feel special and beautiful and loved everyday. Someone that can help remind me of who I am when I lose track of it.

Stop haunting me. I need to move on.

Clarity

You know, I think I've spent most of my life trying to avoid feeling any negative emotion. It's weird to think that I've gone so long only wanting to feel happy, or excited, or joy, or wonder… I think it's normal to want to avoid sadness. It's normal to want to avoid pain. But feeling  every emotion is what makes us human. 

Avoiding the negative doesn't make us feel more positive. If anything it makes positivity fade. I have been feeling that my like is...boring. Blasé. Tasteless. I didn't understand why until now. 

Of course it feels bad to be sad, depressed, heartbroken, angry... I don't like to feel negativity. However, what is that old saying? You can't recognize light unless you see dark. 

How can I change my life without facing the things I try to bury and ignore? How can I feel joy or love without knowing sadness and heartbreak or loss?

My life is pretty amazing. I am so grateful for everything I have and all the people I love. But I am also grateful for my rough points in life. They make me who I am...and instead of running from it, it's time to face it.

Judgmental

I try to be as nonjudgmental of people as possible.
I don't always succeed. I am an imperfect being. Surprise! Haha

But for the most part I try not to be judgmental. TBH, it's pretty easy if you don't care what people do. Which...for the most part is true of how I look at society. You want to walk around only dressed in sequins? Go for it. You want to go three years without showering? I could not care less. It's your life. It's your choice. As long as I am not directly affected by your actions in a negative way--you do you.

I live my life from day to day, and most of the time I don't get it right. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. I make mistakes...pretty much hourly. Haha. There isn't a blueprint for life, and even if there were, I have never quite fit into what people consider "traditional" or normal. I dance to the beat of my own drum, and luckily people think it's pretty great.

However, I don't always meet my own requirements of making the people around me feel loved and accepted...in whatever state they happen to be in. You see, even though I don't care about random strangers, I do care deeply for my friends and family. This is normally a GREAT, AMAZING, and SUPER AWESOME thing. But, it can also be a burden. Not only for me, but for the people I care about too. That might sound weird, so I'll try to explain.

I've lived most of my life loving the people around me with as much strength and conviction that I can. There was a time where I didn't care about anyone or anything...including myself. #alcoholism but for the most part, I have had a deep abiding love for my family and the family I choose--my friends.

I was talking to a friend of mine, and they said something to me. They said, "there is no such thing as unconditional love within the realm of mortal existence." Of course, being a hopeless romantic--I started to argue the point. After a long discussion, I came to realize their point to be true.

I do believe in love, but most love in this life is conditional. It has to be, because we are all prone to making mistakes. We cheat, we lie, we hurt the ones we love. Why? Because we are imperfect. There isn't a blueprint for life. There are guidelines. We can pattern our lives after other people's lives, but there isn't anything saying: Karyn will get her PhD in Psychology on this day and time and will marry John Smith on this day at this time, and they will love each other forever and always and have 2.5 children and will be healthy and happy, amen. I WISH THAT WAS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED. Haha! Of course we all know it doesn't. Well, it hasn't for me. If that happens for you, tell me what I'm doing wrong! (If you want to see a movie where this sort of happens, watch the movie TiMER. Super interesting.)

Anyway--back on to my point. I completely love my friends and family, but sometimes I condition my love on whether or not their choices or life path is concurrent with what I think it should be.

That sounds SUPER douchey and controlling, but I think we all do that to some degree. Look at the "unhappy married couple." If you ask one of them what the issue is, they will spout off stuff like, "he doesn't love me the way he used to" or "she just isn't attractive to me anymore" or "they have lost the 'fun' part of themselves" or "they bore me now. I need someone more exciting!" (These are all actual excuses I have heard from people, btw.) Each of these people have an image of who their partner has to be in order for them to be happy. At one point in time, their significant other was EXACTLY what they wanted. However, over time--as each person grows and matures, they change. This change can determine whether or not they continue to give love to their significant other.

I fall prey to that "conditional" love thing. Luckily I can catch myself most of the time, take a step back and adjust my mindset. That doesn't always happen though. Sometimes, I will say and do terrible things to the people I love. Sometimes, I will "advice vomit" all over people and make them feel like garbage. I recognize that I have extremely high and oftentimes unrealistic expectations of the people I love, and if I see them going down a path that I know will result in unhappiness--I will do everything within my power to stop them. To my own detriment and often the detriment of the relationship.

Is that judgment?

Is it hypocritical for me to tell my friends to go to church, or to pray, or to read their scriptures, or to not drink alcohol or WHATEVER when I struggle with most if not all of those things daily? I don't know. We all try to do our best with the time and life we're given...and (at least in my case) most of the time, we fail. Where does that leave me? or all of us?

Despite what everyone thinks (including myself sometimes)--I don't have all the answers. I don't know whether or not we'll all find happiness, or whether or not we'll be successful, or that tomorrow will be better than today. What I do know is that as long as we all keep trying...as long as we all endeavor to love each other and try be a little better every day... I think we'll make it.

False alarm

I think I have mentioned on here that it takes me a while to process and sort through my emotions. With that said, let me tell you a story.

So, for the last 6 months or so We have been expecting my grandma to die. I know. It sounds weird to say that. To sum up--her pacemaker battery was dying and she opted to not replace it. I understand where she's coming from. Her husband is dead and being on the caregiver side of things, she didn't want to suffer unnecessarily. Totally legit, right?

Well, after a SUPER crazy weekend, she ended up getting a new battery in her pacemaker and will be alive for another 10-15 years. :)

Pretty great, right??? I'm so happy she is okay now and is going to be around for a long time. She is really one of my best friends, and I'm glad that she's sticking around.

I am happy about life, but I am in a super weird funk right now. I think a part of it is my pent up sadness that is now no longer going to be expressed. I think a part of it is some personal crap that I am just needing to deal with and be done with, and I think a part of it is my birthday coming up.

Maybe I just need a good cry? Maybe I need to punch someone in the face? Maybe I need a RNCMO? Who knows. Haha!

Anywho--I am SUPER hungry right now. I need like a burrito or a giant ceasar salad. (Is that how you spell it???)

Adios!

What's next

There is a lot going on with me. I feel like I've been busier in the past month that I was in my 20s! Hahaha!

This is my birth month. I'm officially over the hill on the 29th. Pretty crazy, huh? Hahaha! I guess it's all downhill from here??? Maybe? I don't know honestly. I still feel REALLY young. I'm not sure if that ever goes away...but I hope it doesn't.

When I was 15--there were a lot of things that I thought I would be doing right now. Oh, small, innocent version of me. When I was 15 I thought I would be an EXTREMELY well-to-do veterinarian with my own practice and a giant ranch filled with animals. I thought I would be married and deliriously happy and in love with my husband. I was never sure about having kids, but we would have them eventually. I also first conceptualized the "808 Skate" around that age.

There are so many things I thought I would be...and honestly, I'm not sure where I'm at right now with my life dreams. Is this version of my existence what I want? I know there is more....more for me to discover and experience. I have let fear rule my life for a long time.

Fear of my own potential mostly. I might sound arrogant or cocky to some people reading this post, but I know what I am phenomenal at. I also know what I need to work on. I am amazing. I know I am amazing, but I need to figure out how to harness that and mold it into something that makes me happy and feel fulfilled.

I know what I don't want out of life. I know that I don't want to look back and feel regret or disappointment. I read an article a while ago about the top 25 regrets people have. Here it is for those who are interested. I don't regret a lot in this life, but most of my regrets have to do with love. I was watching this today, and it pretty much sums up what I am feeling right now when it comes to love:

I have a pretty amazing life...and I am so grateful for that every single day. The real question is, as Prince Derek says (admittedly a regret I am sure he carries with him) in Swan Princess, "What else is there?"

Well, that is the real question isn't it. What's next? I have no idea... but I do know that I'm done having regrets. It only took me 30 years to figure that one out. Haha.

The best

You know what's the best?

The freaking 90s were the best. Are the best. I look back and think...man the 90s were awesome. The music was great, the economy was awesome, the president was a cool guy that cheated on his wife and played the saxophone...it was good times man.

I had a great time in the 90s. I was in elementary school and middle school in the 90s. I have a lot of fond memories of that time. The toys, the TV shoes, the music. Man...The 90s were a special time.

I have nothing else to say.

Pontificate is a weird word

I have been pontificating on the meaning of my life and what I really want out of life. Like a lot. You want to know what the answer is?

I want to be happy.

That may not seem like a lot to some of you. In fact, it may seem like I am shooting below where a lot of you think I should. It's a good thing that I really don't care. Haha.

You see, it probably takes more to make me happy than most people. Not because I am impossible to please, or because I have impossibly high standards, or whatever. I don't have a specific life plan for happiness, but I know that the road to happiness takes a few things. It takes hard work. It takes humility. It takes gratitude...it also takes love. Let's talk about that. :)

I was born into a family that values hard work. I've been doing hard work pretty much all of my life. I am not a "delicate flower" that has never dug a trench or cut her own firewood. I know how to build a house, I know how to build a wall out of just rock so that it will stand for eons. I know what hard work is. I have my parents to thank for that. They are two of the hardest working people I know. Anything worth getting in life takes hard work and dedication. I never understood the "newer" generations complaining about having to "work" or do things they don't want to do. It's called work for a reason idiot.

I am a prideful person. I know I am. Humility is not something that has been easy for me to learn, and I'm still learning. I don't have a lot to say about humility because...well, I am super terrible at it. However, I read a quote once that says, "Pride is concerned about who is right. Humility is concerned about what is right." Or something to that effect. I try to remember that when I am being stubborn. :)

Gratitude. Gosh. One thing I have learned in life is that NOTHING is guaranteed, and everything in your life can be taken away from you...and at some point probably will be. Hitting rock bottom isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy. However, hitting rock bottom is helpful when you want to see what you are made of. It is also a good thing when you want to see who your true friends are...which leads me to the last topic in this happiness seminar.

Love. Love is a weird thing. It feels impossible to fall in love right now for me...but it also feels scarily easy at the same time. I am surrounded by some great men. Men that it would be SO easy to fall in love with. But...well...that's a conversation for another time. Romantic love is something that I'm trying not to focus on at this moment, because I'm learning to love myself. I think that learning to love YOU, no matter what you look like, what your job is...what you've done in the past...THAT is what is important. Anyone can be happy when they are with the love of their life. What about when you are alone? Can you find happiness in the quiet, lonely moments? I'm working on that for me. Love is something that can bring profound happiness to the people around you. If you just love the people around you...without reservation or judgement...life is just BETTER.

Happiness! That's the goal for 2015!

Okay. I'm done. I want some peanut butter now.

What a ride!

I'm sure you all are wondering when the playful and funny Karyn will be back to blog for you. The little mini posts are all pretty much from her. However, if you have been reading recently, you know that I am currently in therapy and working through a lot of things. A part of that for me is to blog about what I have been up to and what is significant for me in this moment.

I will try to be more playful, but there is more to me as a person than the "funny girl" or the "crazy, fun girl." This is a part of that. So yeah. My blog, my rules (as if I were structured enough to have any). This is a serious post. So, read on if you'd like. Or just stick around. I'll have something fun and breezy in a week or so.

Have you ever thought to yourself, "It would be better to feel nothing than to feel like this way another moment"?

There was a point in my life where I wanted nothing more than to just turn to stone so I didn't have to feel anything again. There was a long stretch of time where I turned to drinking to numb the pain. Numbing the pain was a "quick fix," but it never helped anything. So, I tried to pull everything in my life together and make it better. It worked for a while...until "the pit of despair" (movie reference!) opened up after a series of heartbreaks, betrayals, and just plain terribleness happened that plunged me into a mire of negativity and depression.

So, doing what felt like at the time as a smart and logical thing, I turned off my emotions...or as my friend C says, I broke my "give a damn."

Apathy is something that has been an undercurrent in my life for a long time. I never wanted to feel what I was feeling again, so I turned it all off. Some people deal with their issues by hurting themselves, or emotionally vomiting everything all at once, or not eating, or abandoning the people they love. I did something equally terrible to myself by becoming apathetic.

I can hear your collective gasp. To try to articulate what I mean in one sentence... I believe that the emotional pain we inflict upon ourselves is as much or more hurtful that any physical harm we do.

No one that is as outgoing or extroverted as myself can stand being alone for any given amount of time. I crave human connection. I need it...like a drug. I need it to be happy. Even if it is just sitting with a friend doing absolutely nothing...that means more to me than anything.

So imagine what it was like for me to sit in a room filled with people and to not connect to or feel anything for anyone in that room. To actively choose to cut off the one thing that I actually need to be happy---human conenction.

It is so incredibly lonely, but the mental state I was in didn't let me acknowledge that as a symptom of what I was doing. It was because of the people around me. It was their fault I was feeling lonely. It was their fault I was sad. Couldn't they see past my fake smiles and laughs and see what was just beneath the surface?

Spolier alert: the answer is NO.

There is a music video that I think translates my journey. It is a bit of a controversial video. None of the people I have shown it to really got it. It is the "Elastic Heart" music video by Sia featuring Shia LeBeouf and Maddie Ziegler. (<--CLICK IT!) If you don't mind the tangent, I wanted to pontificate about it.

People only focus on the fact that a grown man is doing weird and vaguely intimate interpretive dancing with a girl in a cage. Yeah. That's what is happening in the video. However, I was never weirded out by it. The first time I watched it, I cried...for hours. You see...it isn't two people in that cage. It's just one person. Shia and Maddie are parts of the same person.

Just like my apathy (the cage). I locked away a part of myself... the most beautiful part of myself (Shia's role). The more powerful part of myself (represented by Maddie...and the innate need I have to connect to people) wanted to just break free. But you can't be free unless you unlock all the parts of yourself.

There are so many things I love about the video, but the part that haunts me is at the very end. The girl is pulling at his arms and trying to get him to step out of the cage...there is a moment where the hopelessness of being trapped within yourself...where all the worries and sadness and heartbreak is evident on his face.

It is so raw and beautiful. I have always admired Shia as an actor, but that raw emotion...that is what true acting is. I feel like he took a note right out of my heart and played it in all it's melancholy glory. WOW. Anyway...back to the story.

It took me a long time to figure out that apathy and indifference wasn't a viable life plan. It seems like a no-brainer....and for some people I'm sure that it is. For me it wasn't that simple I guess. There was a lot going on that I didn't have the skills to cope with. I'm SO lucky that I have the most amazing friends on the planet, because they were the ones to pull me through. They stuck by me...apathy and all and showed me it was okay to open up again. That I was worth working towards being healthy and happy...that I deserved it. Some of them didn't say that in so many words, but there is something transformative that happens when people love you unconditionally.

At first I was like a feral animal. I couldn't trust anything or anyone around me. I was rebelling against any kindness or love that anyone gave me. I hurt a lot of people. I can only say (again) that I am truly sorry for the pain I inflicted.

I started working on me. Moving away from the apathy, and really FEELING what I feel. It's harder than I thought it would be, and more wonderful as well.

For a long time I was terrified of my own feelings. I tried to minimize the risk of my life by turning to apathy. As time has gone by, I've been contemplating a lot of things about where I want to end up in the future and I decided that I can have a safe, comfortable life where I would never be in fear of pain or hurt, but what is the point of a life like that?

I think it was Hunter S. Thompson that said, "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!"

Sometimes finding yourself and bearing your soul is the only way to find what makes you happy. It's time to make risks and take chances! Mistakes will make me better...and the people that hate me in my mistakes and sins aren't worth my time. Look past your fear and face life head on!

Latching on to you

Let's toast to 2015...or not.

"Hi, my name is Karyn and I'm an alcoholic. "

I can't tell you how terrified I was the first time I said that. I still get butterflies 10 years later. For those of you that are shocked at that confession, don't feel bad that you didn't know. No one really knew unless I told them or they saw me out drinking...which a lot of people in Kona did...

I remember the first time I took a drink. I was working late at the theater and a bunch of my friends had been pressuring me to drink with them after work. I was in a weird place emotionally. I was pretty messed up actually. I can't think of one particular instance where I made the decision to drink. It was 100 little things that built up to the decision. My first drink was sitting outside of Makalapua theaters with people I thought were my friends, sipping on a Corona.

The stupidest thing is that I didn't even like drinking in the beginning. People that LOVE beer or alcohol in general are CRAZY. It does not taste good or rather I should say it is DEF an acquired taste. Despite this fact, I didn't care. The more I drank, the better I felt... actually, the more I drank, the less I felt. Feeling less meant I felt better. And just like the decision to start drinking began with 100 little things, the path to alcoholism were little "mistakes" that built and built this dependence. A dependence on something that was illegal for me to drink, and against everything that I was raised to say no to. It started as just something I did for fun. Something I did to forget my problems...but they were all there when I was sober, only they were magnified by about 20 now because of all the issues that came with drinking.

I read an article today called, "10 Things I Don't Miss About Drinking" and I can honestly say that every one of them except the one that didn't pertain to me (hangovers...I don't know if I can actually get them) are TRUE! Drinking was a mistake that I wish I could go back and just erase. It got so bad that I would take alcohol to school and work just to get through. I was always in some form of drunkenness. I hated beer and would just have people buy me the hard stuff...and I have an alcohol tolerance that you wouldn't believe. Haha.

It all came to a head when a couple things happened. The first is that my brother and his new wife and baby moved in with us. I don't think I ever loved a baby more than I loved my nephew Keala. He was the first and I loved him so much. The second thing was that I decided to drive home drunk. It wasn't any different from any other night driving home. I was plastered (as usual) and started on my way home. Driving drunk in a town where you know all the cops and they all know you from when you were a kid is an interesting thing. I had been stopped so many times before and warned to pull it together. No one ever gave me a sobriety test or even made me get out of the car.  Anyway, back to the story--I had decided to drive home.

I should not have been on the road. I drank an entire bottle of vodka, half a bottle of tequila rose, a bottle of peach schnapps, and just for kicks 3 or 4 beers. I was buzzing, and I remember feeling buzzed, but pretty clear comparatively. I hopped in my car and started home--which was only about 10 mins away. The next thing I remember is swerving to miss a car. I spun out and the other car spun out. It was around 2 or so in the morning and no one was on the road (thankfully). I got out of my car and stumbled over to the other car to make sure they were okay. I heard the baby crying before I got all the way across the road. The mom (still don't know her name) was crying and came to meet me in the middle of the street. She saw how wasted I was and started yelling at me. Her baby was sick or something and she was on her way to the hospital. The last thing she needed was a drunk idiot killing them on the way.

I felt pathetic. Pathetic isn't even a big enough word. I felt like nothing. Worse than nothing. When did my life become this? I remember crying and saying I was sorry over and over again. I got in my car and went home. That night I decided to stop. Why did I even start in the first place? I felt so stupid. I was better than that.

Ten years. It's a long time to be done with something. Quitting drinking was one of the hardest things I've ever done. And I'm still working at it everyday. Some people think that it's just quitting and then you're finished. I wish it was like that. I may have stopped drinking cold turkey, but the addiction was still there. I still think about drinking when things get hard. For a while I used other things to take the place of my addiction...none of which were healthy or good for me. Swapping out one addiction for another is like using a different brand of cigarettes. You're still smoking, it's just a different brand. I was still an addict, I just moved through different things to be addicted to.

Addiction is so weird. It can manifest itself in so many ways. Eating too much food, not eating anything, sex, exercise, media consumption (you know, like video games, TV shows, etc) ...we can get addicted to so many things in so many ways, but the root of it is the addiction itself. It spreads its tentacles through you until it controls what you say and do. You lie and manipulate your way through life to get what your addiction is. I know I've hurt so many people with mine. I've spent the last ten years trying to pay for what I've done. I'm trying to get to a place where I feel...forgiven. Not really by any deity or person in particular. Mostly I want to forgive myself.

Who knows when that will happen. The cool thing is that I think living a life where you are trying to be the best version of yourself and trying to make up for all your faults and shortcomings isn't that bad of a life. It works for now.

Thanks for reading my story. Hopefully it can help you with whatever you happen to be dealing with. If not, I hope you still can deal with your issues with a little more grace and confidence.

Here's to 2015. It's going to be amazing...because we make it that way.

The ones you hate

I don't really hate anyone on this planet (or off this planet...since I haven't met anyone not of this world). Hating someone takes too much energy. I'd rather just empty my life of people that don't make me happy than spend any energy hating anyone.

That being said, this is the best website I have ever seen. I have a couple people I would love to send these to. That is all.