Cyclical Thinking.

Do you ever feel like you're stuck in a loop in your head? Or think about a situation and go through every detail until you have burned every moment into your soul? Where you relive things over and over to see what you did wrong... or to try to see if there was something you could have done different or better... and ultimately hate yourself for not making the "right" choice or making "stupid" mistakes? Or your heart hurts over decisions that someone else made that affect you, and now you're stuck in a situation that you are trying to think yourself out of, but since you have no control, you have no effect on the outcome... no matter how hard you try or want to push. And ultimately you come to the conclusion that it's better to just to never try and that you couldn't have been that happy... and that you didn't deserve it anyway... and that it's better to just curl up around your broken heart and cradle the pieces, and just hope that eventually, the pain goes away?

And then someone comes along and makes you feel like you might be worth someone's time, and that you might be worthy of care and consideration and love. And you decide to let them touch your heart, and you allow them space in your mind, and you show them the pieces of your heart, and they tell you you're not broken. That you are just human and allowed to make mistakes... so you give them more of you and trust them to sometimes share the burdens on your heart. And you have deep conversations, and you talk about your past heartbreaks and dreams for the future. And you share intimate moments, and laughs and kisses... 

And then all of a sudden it isn't enough... and you start trying to think of why things are different. And you start thinking about the conversations you've had and all the moments you've shared, and you try to figure out what you did wrong... and you go through every detail until every moment you've shared is burned into your soul... and You start to relive things over and over to try to find out what you did wrong... and start beating the shit out of yourself because you obviously didn't say the right thing, and you made a stupid mistake... and every song you've shared that made your heart soar, now make it break... but you listen to it anyway because you're trying to recapture what is slipping between your fingers...

No? Yeah... me neither.

What You Invest In

I've been thinking a lot about what I've been investing my time in... and if I've correctly judged what I place importance upon in my life. I do this pretty regularly because as someone who regularly swings between chaotic good, chaotic neutral alignment (if you need an explanation of alignments, click here. Also... oh, you sweet summer child. Haha), I can't always trust that what I'm doing is GOOD. I can only see that it brings me the freedom I want/need. I can't always see if it is good for ME either.

Let me explain it if you're a little confused. When I graduated from high school, I was DONE with school. So, I decided that I was going to not go to college (even though I was accepted by like 4 colleges, and had a scholarship). I didn't see that this decision would set back my actual life plans or that having nothing to focus on would only fuel my already burgeoning alcoholism. I didn't see or even care that if I didn't take advantage of my scholarship, that I would lose it... I didn't even care that It's actually HARD for a lot of people to get into college. I only saw that I was tired of being told what to do and feeling controlled.

When something comes along in my life and it feels BIG or that it might change the balance of anything, I kind of freak out a little. Sometimes those freakouts look like me isolating myself, or lashing out at people, or running away, or fighting. (I'm working on it. :) ) SO, as I've gotten older and more used to the weaknesses that my particular energy levels, personality, alignments, and basically the nuances of being me bring, I've developed a type of system test to make sure that I'm on the right path. Since I 'can't see the forest for the trees' most of the time, anything that upsets the balance of my life just obliterates everything. It's like that game, Perfection. IDK if you remember that game... there's a board on a timer and you have to put all the pieces in the right slots and if the timer runs out, the board pops all the pieces out (Here's an old commercial about it: COMMERCIAL). So to short circuit that, I have become an overthinker. I try to weigh things rationally, removing emotion (if I can) from the equation to see where I stand, and then look at what emotions I'm having and where they stem from and decide on whether or not to include them in choosing if I allow someone or something into my life.

Obviously, this isn't the most optimal solution... and is flawed at best, but it has worked for me thus far. I'm tired of things in my life exploding out of balance. Every time that happens, I have to take everything that I've made decisions about and look at them objectively to see if I'm good or... for lack of better phrasing if I fucked things up. Because I can't always see if what I'm doing is hurting the people around me... or if they are negatively impacted by what I'm doing or choosing. Overthinking has become a way of life for me. Before I will befriend someone, I watch them to see if I can handle bringing them into my life. Before I make that big purchase, I research every type of thing and make sure it's exactly what I want. I overthink everything all the time... and it's EXHAUSTING.

BUT because I have that chaotic energy too... I will also make decisions without thinking at all. It's never anything I foresee being a big deal, but sometimes it ends up being a big thing... and I have to do damage control. Hahahaha. I can hear you shake your head. Haha. I'm a complicated woman, what can I say? 

Anyway, I've made a few big decisions over the past few weeks, and it's throwing my entire life into chaos again, and I can hear the timer running out... and I'm just trying to see if everything is "okay" or if I need to make any alterations to the particular set of rules that I live my life by.

That sounds insane... even in my head haha. But, again, it's my process, and I am trying to mitigate imminent damage.

I'm hoping that I haven't made the wrong decisions, or am actively hurting the people I care about, or that when I start down this new path... that I'm enough to make shit happen... but if I'm honest, I'm also super excited to see where it will take me and to test my mettle. Also, I trust my gut feelings. I might not take the straightest, easiest way, but it's always interesting and entertaining.

Anyway, wish me luck! Let's hope that at the end of it, the people I'm dragging along with me (and I) will be where I can visualize us to be. That everything will shake out for the best, and that I can reset the game and be happy where the pieces go. ;)

It's a talent

I don't know a lot about everything, but I do know a lot about the part of everything that I know, which is people.

So I have this thing... some may call it intuition, or say I'm an empath... some may even say that it's just an ability to read minute physiological reactions--that it's an adaptive evolution of senses. To be honest, I don't really think a lot about it because it's like an innate talent. I have the ability to look into someone and see and discover not only what their motivations are, but to also really see into a person. To know what makes them tick, to see potential... to see if they are worth my time... or if they are dangerous.

I just know... when someone is sad. When they are angry. When they need help. When I need to step away... when I need to run. I know when someone needs to talk. I can see when someone is ready to snap. And I also have the skill to unwind their tension. Make them feel at ease. To feed whatever needs nourishment in their soul, and help them to take a step forward.

And lucky for the people I love and/or keep close... it only gets better the more I know you. Actually, I guess that's subjective because it can be kind of hard to hide things from me. I can tell... even if my friends or family don't say anything, I know when something isn't right. And being who I am I dig into things until I get to the heart of it... for better or worse.

I feel very fortunate to have this talent. Unfortunately in the past, I used it for manipulation and deceit. I hurt a lot of people... and did things I'm not proud of. That is one negative side effect... I know exactly how to lie to everyone around me. For a long time, my entire world was fabricated of lie after lie... until I didn't know what was real anymore. I never let anyone close because I feared they would see me for who I really was, and hate me... or worse, expose me.

Luckily I got the help I needed and use my superpowers for (mostly) good now days. After living in the shadows of chicanery, I demand honesty not only from myself, but the people around me. It can be hard for people to do. I get a lot of half truths... or blatant lies. I understand people can have a hard time living in a world of blunt, unfiltered truth. There is a saying about the truth of things being hard to take. I can say from experience that a web of lies is worse than any hard truth. The truth may cut to your core, but you can heal and move on from it. Lies will slowly surround you and suffocate you to death.

Despite that burning need for truth, I do try to keep my talents in check... to respect people and their space. I understand people need to have secrets. Without sounding more conceited than I probably already do, I am probably the least judgmental person you'll meet. I try to accept people exactly as they are. But the secrets people keep--especially people I care about--still hurt. Not so much the need to have them, but I think it's mostly knowing that they feel they have to keep something from me. It feels like I'm not good enough... like I'm failing at being a friend or sister or daughter, etc.

So who the hell cares? Haha. I guess it doesn't matter. I just have been thinking a lot lately about my life, where it's headed, and where I want to be. I used to be so afraid of people knowing the real me. Of seeing who I am. I needed lies to control my narrative. There is a true freedom of erasing that fear and stepping into the light where you can be yourself unapologetically. Is it still scary? Totally, but it isn't lasting. In fact, the more vulnerable you are with the people around you, the more they will open up and embrace you... no matter how broken or different you feel.

What does it all mean? What's the point? Sounds like that's for you to figure out. Until then, if you need someone to lend an ear, I'm here...

A Year (and a bit) Later...

My Pops

Well, hello!

I just read my last post, and... MAN! So much can happen in a year... or even a few days. My Dad passed away just a few days after I posted that blog. I guess when you know, you know. This past year has been the hardest and probably one of the most rewarding years of my life.

Grief is such a unique emotion... and everyone (and I MEAN everyone) processes it differently. Even just within our little family, everyone reacted differently, and the loss has changed them. I've learned that grief hits us all differently, and although there may be less intrusive or destructive or more considerate ways to handle the situation, that there is no right or wrong, and that we're all just here living life the best we can.

I haven't really written a lot about my Dad, and I guess the reason is that he was such a HUGE part of my life. Like how do you articulate that kind of love or loss? I watched my Dad wither away, and it was heartbreaking. Thinking about it now still brings tears to my eyes. He wasn't perfect, but he was my Dad. I've long since put behind us the hurts and growing pains of childhood, and we've forgiven each other for the wrongs perceived or otherwise.

It is/was the HUGEST blessing of my life to have my parents live with me, and doubly so when Dad got sick. Me and Mom-- who up to this point I didn't really have a positive relationship with-- have been able to grow our relationship, and I can honestly say she is now one of my best friends, and I don't know where I'd be without her.  We have grown together so much over the past year as well, and I'm so grateful for her love and strength and compassion. She is an amazing woman, and I'm lucky to be her daughter.

The new pupper--Ella

Since Dad's memorial, my Mom and I have been basically just trying to get our lives back in order. I did start therapy again, and so did Mom. We've been working through a lot of our stuff, and although there is more to deal with, we are in a pretty stable place right now. We got a great dane. She's CRAZY, and such a blessing in our lives. Really, although things have been a rollercoaster, we have also been so blessed.

If there's anything that I have learned from the past few years, it has been to cherish your time with the people you love. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS except love. Love of God, Love of your family, Love of yourself, and Love of your friends.

In my last post, I talked about the hole in my heart... through a lot of therapy and introspection I've found out a lot of things. When I was younger a lot of bad stuff happened to me. As a result of those things (that I had no control over), I created a void in my heart to protect myself. I would hide there, not knowing it was a void because it felt like nothing... and nothing felt better than all the "somethings" that were floating around. As I grew older, I started noticing the void, but not WANTING to understand what it was, I would try to fill it with things... like friends, unhealthy relationships, food, and alcohol. When a "something" would float towards the void and touch me, I would lash out at anyone or anything in my way, and try to bury myself deeper and deeper.

When I hit rock bottom, I tried to start digging myself out, but the people I was surrounded by wanted to keep me in the dark. SO, I moved away and made new friends and new relationships. They were SO MUCH BETTER than the ones I left behind! So, I took the majorly amazing people in my life and used them to close the void. Their hearts were SO BIG that they filled it up, and for a while, I was really happy. But life moved forward, and one by one, they were moving on. To me, it felt like a betrayal, because they were supposed to fill the void... not leave me! I was unfairly relying on them for my happiness and hiding from my problems instead of fixing them. They weren't abandoning me, they were moving forward with life, and I needed to as well.

Luckily, I had started learning from my friends and had been growing and moving forward too (albeit slowly and painfully). I learned that even though people leave, they don't have to leave your heart, and you can still love them no matter where they are. Happiness is within you if you take the time to find it.

Life can be rough sometimes. It can beat the garbage out of you and leave you hurting in the dark, but it can also be beautiful and wonderful and worth every moment of pain. I am still mourning my Dad, and know I will always miss him. Every day I see or hear or experience something that reminds me of him, and I'll feel a twinge in my heart and a tear in my eye. But I feel his influence in my life and know that I'll be able to see him again one day.

So, now it's just me and Mom... working towards trying to find out who we are and what makes us really happy. And if I'm completely honest, it's hard to remember a time where I've felt this free to discover myself. It's a process, but I'm learning and growing and hopefully will be able to move forward from the hurt and pain and anger. It takes time... and luckily that's something that I have spades in as of this moment. 

The Help You Need

So... I haven't really talked a ton about what has been going on lately. I've actually been super depressed and haven't wanted to get into the emotion of it all.

BUT

That isn't healthy. And I want people to know what's happening with me and where my head is at. I know that most people don't read blogs anymore, but I also know that this is the only journal that I have at the moment... and saying I've been too busy is kind of an understatement, but it's also a lie. Not that I haven't been busy. I have... but not so busy that I couldn't blog, or at least document what has been going on in my life.

So...the beginning of this year, my dog Honey died. It may sound ridiculous or whatever, but it's probably the biggest and hardest thing I've had to go through for a very long time. And it affected me so STRONGLY.

I'm not typically a super emotional person. I try to keep things buttoned up. Like, the most I'll show most people is the glistening tear down my cheek. But with Honey it was different. I couldn't keep it together. Still to this day (she died in Feb... a couple weeks before her 3rd birthday) I will just start crying over her. I just miss her... every day... all the time. Especially lately...

You see, a year and 1/4 ago, my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 sub-mandibular cancer. To be honest, I was completely floored when I found out. I mean, he's my Dad. He's supposed to be Superman. Invincible. At first, I was SURE that he would beat it. But...

I've been watching him fight and lose this battle... and there isn't anything I can do except be here and love him. And now... in just a short time, he'll be gone. And no one will call me "Whirly" again (his special nickname for me). I didn't get enough time with him, and he could die at any time. He won't be here anymore. Why do the people we love have to leave?

I love my Dad for so many reasons. Not to say that we didn't have our differences, but I'm a Daddy's girl through and through. He won't be here to teach me to fix things (aka let me watch him fix things), and I won't be able to hear his laugh... or lean on his shoulder, or give him hugs, or ask for his advice. What if I get married? He won't be there to walk me down the aisle... or to hug my kids... Any future family will never know him or know how special and loving he is.

I wish I did so many things differently. I wish I asked him more about his childhood, and asked to hear more stories about our culture. I wish I made more of an effort to learn guitar and bass. I wish I asked what his favorites were... and took more chances to just sit and talk with him. I wish I took a million more pictures of him... especially me and him together. I wish it was straight up Truman Show up in here, and I had every moment recorded so I could never forget any of it.

The only solace I have is my faith in knowing that families can be together forever. That I'll be able to see my Dad again. That he'll be watching over me.

I'm so lucky he's still here, and that I can help him transition into the next phase of existence... even if it's just for the next little while. I pray every day that he isn't suffering. I try to tell him every day that I love him... and I'm trying to be strong for my family... and for myself. It's hard to tell if he can hear me, but I hope he feels it. I hope he feels the love of everyone that cares for him.

I've really been contemplating starting to go to therapy again... because I am not coping well. And I know when my Dad goes, it will be even worse. I was re-reading some journal entries, and there was a part of one that I thought was especially poignant and pertinent to where I'm at right now:

I have a hole in my heart. It's been there for most of my life. I'm still trying to figure out when I got it and where I got it from, but I can feel it there. Some days it's only the size of a pin prick. Some days it's the ocean.

 It's felt like the ocean for a long time. Longer than it ever has before. And it's affecting me negatively. I am usually super happy and positive... but I'm having a harder and harder time holding on to the happy.  It's time for me to reach out for help.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Just remember...Life is so precious and so short. Love the people around you. Listen to them. Talk to them. Hug them. Cherish them. You never know when their time will be gone... or when yours will be. I may or may not not know you, dear reader... regardless, I love you, and I'm here if you need a shoulder.

Am I Attractive?

I recently (not so recently) read a post that my friend wrote on her blog about attractiveness and being single. Here it is, if you want to read it.

In her post, she talks about this article.

Basically (for all our tl;dr readers) each article addresses the subject of the relation between ugliness and singleness...as well as stipulating that ugliness is not only in the eye of the beholder, but is secondary to the beauty of your heart and spirit.

I have never thought of myself as ultra pretty or "drop dead gorgeous." I also don't think I fall into the camp of "ugly." I would like to think that I am mildly attractive by the world's standards. Of course I bet if I lost some weight, that would increase, but I think I look the same regardless. I make sure that I am washed and presentable and that I wear clothing that looks good on me. I don't wear a ton of make-up, mostly because it takes up too much time... and I value things like sleep more than make-up.

BUT...why do these things matter? I mean, not to sound prideful or cocky, but I think I am pretty freaking awesome man. I am kind and helpful and charitable. I am funny and witty and sarcastic. I am smart and successful and know a lot of cool and useless things. I am creative and love to learn about anything/everything. So where do looks factor into life and my personal happiness? Let's take a look at a quote from the letter in the article above. The guy writes saying:

As a result of this, my faith and patience with the Lord have been tried. I keep telling myself He could have made me handsome, but He didn’t. Why? Why am I ugly and a lot of my close friends are attractive (and married, too). At this point in my life I have very little hope of ever being happy. I feel like what’s the point of being good? What’s the point of keeping the commandments? To what end? To what end?

I have had a lot of friends that have come to me regarding not being able to find happiness in their life because of >>insert excuse here<<. Stuff like: "I can't be happy because I am still single. I can't be happy because I am buried in debt. I can't be happy because I can't find a job"...and the list goes on and on. Here's exactly what I tell each of these people:

Happiness is something you have to find within yourself.

If you aren't happy now, gaining something won't make you magically happy. Being happy is a choice. You have to make it everyday. I know that there are some extenuating factors that contribute to happiness that people can't control--like depression, PTSD, abuse etc--but on the whole, we are in control of our own happiness. And whether we can attain that by natural means, or even through medication, exercise, yoga... whatever... it's up to each of us to find happiness within ourselves and within this moment now.

Each person in this life is beautiful and unique and wonderful in their own way. I truly believe that it is our purpose in this life to find out what sets us apart and to utilize that to help other people along this crazy journey of life.

Does life always work out in our favor??? No. Do we get lost along the way sometimes? Yes. But you are WORTH everything. You are wonderful and beautiful and smart and pretty and useful and magnificent. Don't let anyone tell you different... especially yourself. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees... meaning that we are too close to things to see the big picture. Too close to our pain. Too close to the rejection. Too close to the bullying. We can't see that we mean something... and maybe even everything to someone else.

Am I attractive??? I guess that's in the eye of the beholder. But ask me if I care.

Boundaries and Embarrassing Posts

So, I want to start out by saying...That last post is a little embarrassing. :/ Oh well. It will be good to keep it up so I can improve.

Anyway...

I have been struggling a lot with certain relationships in my life and have kind of been depressed. I just watched this video:

Go ahead and watch it. It's only six minutes. Haha. Well, I have not been taking responsibility for my emotional property, and I have been letting a lot of people unload their crap into my emotional yard, and not making them own up to their "stuff" and take care of it themselves.

It's weird to think of my emotions and mental health as my property. I think most people don't think of them as really anything. They simply exist within ourselves.

Relationships are something that I used to think I'm great at, but I think I can work at things and become better at setting limits with love and making sure that my heart is guarded with proper boundaries.

Thanks for reading to whoever happens to be reading this. I'm just trying to figure things out as I go. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. I won't know either way until I try! Aloha!